Ariana - posted on 01/08/2014 ( 1 mom has responded )
The situation is a bit complicated but basically as a teenager I became a sort of friend of the family with a friend of mine (as in I had a friend who's house I stayed at all the time eventually even after they'd left, I was still there all the time hanging out). I became friends with his younger sister, the only one in the house. I'm older than her but not by a ton. It was like having a little annoying friend while I hung around their house.
To make things more complicated I ended up getting pregnant by her oldest brother (who lived there for a bit) who does not have contact with myself or my son (for a variety of reasons). The parents and I got along but they are also alcoholics and I've been there while separating the mother and girl I'm speaking of from a fist fight once she became a teenager (as well as the mother punching her older brother my original friend and getting in a major fight, while I was pregnant I may add). I did not witness but know their stepdad (the girls actual dad) had physical fights with the boys (although never with the girl). Lots of alcoholism yelling, issues etc.
Needless to say I ended up moving far away from the area and then ended up without a car and have barely seen her for the last year. It was sort of like we were best buds I was there all the time, then I moved far away and didn't see her for about half a year then ended up signing us up for a gymnastics class because I wanted to see her at least once a week, but last year we didn't sign up and this year I ended up without a car so we've barely seen each at all.
I've been living at one of my parents house or the other and now I'm moving out for school to another area. She wants to come live with me. We barely ever speak and have only talked over message about it but she said she wants to come with me. It's a two bedroom so me her and my son, I could find a spot to put him, or make her share her space with him? I have no idea. She also is in a special program for school which is workbooks and work or something.
I wouldn't mind living with her, but I don't want to have to pick up or pay for another person. She's a teenager and I don't want to sit there trying to control her life, I'm not her mother, but I also don't want to clean up after her either. But she isn't an adult what can I expect her to do and not do?
What if her parents freak out about her moving? I feel like with me it'd be better but what if she starts acting weird and I can't control her? I don't know if she would or wouldn't I have no idea, but I don't have control over her right? I can't force her to do anything. I've never really had roommates either so I don't even know what exactly would be normal or not normal. What if she never picks up or does dishes or cleans? Should she pay for rent or not? I can't pay for her stuff I simply don't have the money. What if she starts going out all the time or going off where I don't know? Do I get on her case about it or not? How much am I supposed to be her parent and how much am I supposed to be her roommate?
I'm not so much older than her that I can mother her, I'm more like an older sister. I want to help her out of the situation she's in though, I feel partly responsible for abandoning her there in that house. Maybe if I'd been around more I could have helped the situation, maybe she'd not be so messed up with school and things. I have a kid and my own life to deal with though too so I was always torn, and once I didn't have a car and she started getting older it just became difficult to be a part of everything.
I feel if maybe I had her come over and we went over what we should/shouldn't do and maybe just had a 'roommates' agreement it might work. Like set up a schedule for cleaning whatever and agreed on who does what or what is or isn't acceptable.
I'm a pretty flexible person my main issue is I don't have the money to support her, maybe if she got a job? Also I have a hard enough time cleaning up after myself and my son, I don't need an extra person making a mess for me. I value a house that is at least semi-clean and I am a naturally unorganized person which makes it so much more important for me to stay on top of things. I would also want to make sure I know where she is because I don't want her being unsafe or just doing ANYTHING she wants, but I also am not sure what I would or wouldn't be responsible for in terms of that. Could she get in real trouble? Should I make sure to check up on her all the time? What about schoolwork? Should we agree on things for that? What if my kids bugging her? What if she gets mad at me or we have a disagreement and can't figure it out? What rules should I have or not?
I want her to be with me because she really wants to get out of there and they basically let her do whatever she wants and are tempermental alcoholics. They love her dearly, I know, but it is a bad environment. I just don't know if my house is the best place either, how do I take care of her? She has older siblings and they're all older than me and not one of them has taken her away or stepped up somehow.
Part of me is just like, look, finally a way for you to help her out! You can take her with you! But the other part is like what if she gets in with the wrong people around me? What if we argue all the time? How do I prevent this? Would she be better with me? Would her parents freak out and never speak to me again? I don't want a big thing.
I know that's a lot I'm just not sure what to do. Do I encourage this? Do I tell her yes come live with me? If I made a roommate agreement or rules would this work? What would happen if the agreement was broken? What do I do if a serious issue comes up like if she goes off somewhere dangerous?
I need some assistance. :( I really like her and want her to live with me too, I'm just not sure if it's a plausible idea or not.