Have you ever had a friend or family member tell you that you shouldn't have anymore kids?

Casey - posted on 04/05/2011 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I currently have a 2 year old son and I have 4 weeks to go with my second child, well yesterday I was around at my parents house for a visit when my father piped up and asked me if I am going to get my tubes cut and tied after having this baby I was a little bit suprised but I held my temper and I just told him no I wasn't (I'm only 27 for christsake lol), he then lectured me like I was an idiot on how we can't afford another baby and our house isn't big enough ect ect, I told him that Steve and I will have to discuss weather or not we are going to have any more children in a year or so but right now I'm not even thinking about having more children when I haven't even had this one, well he didn't like that did he lol, he told me that he will talk to Steve cause he needs to "man up" and have a vasectomy by this point I was getting angry and the hormones were kicking in lol so I snapped at him and told him where he could get off lol, mind you all this was coming from a man who went off and had a vasectomy behind his wifes back (my mum) after having just one child together (me) even though she wanted more.

At the moment we do own our own home which does only have 3 bedrooms and we're not broke I'm a stay at home mum and my partner works fulltime and makes roughly $1300 a week so we're not rich by any means but I wouldn't say we were poor, we're also not idiots and we know what we can support and what we can't and we can also make decisions for ourselves.

I'm just wondering have you ever had anyone try to tell you how many children you should have? did it upset you? and how did you deal with it?

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I learned a saying when I moved to South Carolina...I heard a woman say it..and it really stuck. "he don't feed clothe or f* me." And in a crude way, she's right. If your father isn't buying your clothes, your home, your food, your car insurance, your car seats.......then he doesn't have the right to tell you what to do with your own life (or finances). He raised you to the best of his abilities. It's your turn to take what he gave you...and use it to make the most of YOUR life. I've never met a grandparent who didn't want as many grandchildren as possible! How odd!

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Jennifer - posted on 04/10/2011

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I would have done the same as you. you are smart in waiting to discuss future children - you never know what will happen, you may want more or you may decide you don't - its easier to just wait and see rather then either of you having an operation now. I would have flipped at my dad a bit more and I couldn't even blame hormones so good on you!!
I only have one natural child - had hoped for at least one more but divorce has put a hold on that for however long. I get more comments on the fact that I didn't start having kids till my late 20's and that I only have one...not being married don't seem to matter. LOL.

to Jennifer Lott...I hope you are not going to let others views stop you from adopting! it has always been my plan to adopt if I were unable to have kids or when I was done and mine were a bit older and always wanted to go for those with a smaller chance of being adopted. good for you!!

Jennifer - posted on 04/10/2011

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When I got married to my current husband I already had a son from my first marriage. We had a daughter almost six years ago and then went through two early miscarriages. My mom was not happy when I told her I was pregnant again after that. She sounded disapproving and was not excited at all. Even before that she had lectured me about having more kids - they're expensive, you don't have the room, etc. I was angry that she felt it was her place to say how many kids we should have and about the inference that somehow my husband and I couldn't figure it out on our own. I just repeated to her that it's not for her to decide for us and we will make up our own minds about it and she should just be happy to have grandchildren. Eventually she gave it up, I had another baby, our last because we discovered during the last pregnancy that I have a clotting disoder that puts me and the baby at risk for a fatal blood clot. My husband did get a vasectomy but only when he and I agreed about it. My mom is now very happy about the new baby, 4 months old now. My brother in law got a vasectomy against my sister's wishes after they had two kids and she will still tell you how much that hurt, it was over 20 years ago. It really needs to be a decision that both people agree to and not be made by outside opinions.

Hope - posted on 04/08/2011

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ID GET UPSET!!!AND IV HERD THAT BE4 ...BUT,TRUTH HURTS.....MY KIDS ARE VERY WELL TAKEN CARE OF THO BUT ,ALL THAT ASIDE ......THEY WHERE RIGHT!!!

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yes, i've had that happen and it was a little different situation but same general sentiment - family member telling us what we can and can't handle. giiiiirl.... i am almost finished with 2 doctorates.... my hubs and i are both fully capable of making money but i am a SAHM also and work part time from home and my hubs works part time outside the home so he can also be a very present dad... we live within our means and we help a lot of people and at present we have 2 kids with one coming and hopes of having like 5-8 with a few being adopted. the thing is that we worked our BUTTS off to get to the point of buying a house so that we COULD live this way..... and it made me so angry when family members acted like we are crazy for having a 2nd child - they also act like we're crazy for living the way we do and homeschooling so we can travel (going to Europe for 3 1/2 months this year) and for just generally living the way we do. our kids are amazing and our future kids will be.... we LOVE parenting and being married and just living life - i mean what better mix is there? DO YOU LOVE BEING A MOM? IF YES, THEN YOU NEED TO HAVE AS MANY KIDS AS YOU DECIDE YOU WANT TO HAVE! clearly there is a stopping point but don't let anyone else dictate your life. be aware of your means and what you are willing to do should you need to make adjustments in your lives to support more kids. a lot of people have standards or expectations for having kids and they impose those on others. we will never have a tv (or pay for cable) or video games - my kids get clothes and toys from consignment stores and they don't get anything unless i've verified the corporate social responsibility from which it came (to make sure no one is exploited), we have a garden, we make just about everything and eat very little processed foods, we go to all the City features on the free resident days and do a lot of imaginative play or focus on learning toys and use a lot of music and make our own instruments. we use cloth diapers and wipes and make our own wipe solution and diaper cream.... we compost and recycle and utilize the public library instead of buying a bunch of books.... but we splurge on travel and occasionally on ice cream and good margaritas :-)!!!

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$1300 a week shit that's a lot; my husband makes that in a month. We, btw do really well on our own, with just my husband's pay.

My husband's family thinks we are nuts for wanting another child right away. They want us to wait 5-6 years (like things are magically going to be better then). I've already had 2 misscarriages at 24... like hell I'm waitting.

I get weird looks when I tell people that we will have as many children as God gives us. Right now that might be one... really I want 4 or 5. I think they are picturing the Duggars or something... and honestly I wouldn't mind.

Casey - posted on 04/07/2011

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well I am glad to hear that I am not the only one who has a loved one trying to interfer, I think he means well like what Jennifer B says he probably thinks that having a third will be to stressful for us or because I have to keep having c-sections maybe his thinking about my health I dunno but I am sure his not just saying it to be a crap head, but then his never liked kids and he actually sneaked off and had a vasectomy behind my mums back just so they couldn't have more kids so I dunno maybe his just letting his feelings towards kids spill over a bit. Either way we haven't decided weather or not we're going to have another one anyways right now I feel like two will be enough and my partner agrees but we might change our minds, it just annoys me that people think they even have the right to try and dictate to someone who many children they should have.

Adree - posted on 04/07/2011

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It happens all the time, parents/inlaws/whoever pokes into YOUR life and tells you how you should live it... ignore it. it's none of their business. having a family is between you, your partner, and God. Providing for them is the same. I know there are tons of people that are on welfare and have kids and can't support them, and that's a tough issue, but really, it's nobody else's business. I feel bad for their kids, but nothing anyone else can do about it. Be thankful and happy with what you have, don't let other's judgments bother you!

Ashley - posted on 04/07/2011

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@garnetta - I think those are the standard questions they ask lol they asked my husband the same things when he went to get snipped,

Garnetta - posted on 04/07/2011

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No that's never happen. But when I wanted to get my tubes tied 26 yrs. ago the nurse tried to talk me out of it by asking questions like what happens if I was to get married and my new husband wanted kid? I told her my kids are part of the package so love them like they were his. Her next question was what it one child (God forbid) dies. My response was I would still have one child left and if I could get pregnant again it wouldn't replace the one I lost. She didn't have nothing else to ask me after that.

Ashley - posted on 04/06/2011

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Honestly yes I know your feeling my mother is the same way.. when i had my first i was young ... 19 when she was born ... when we found out we were having another we were living on our own supporting ourselves and our first born about a week before we told her about baby number 2 she says something about hoping she doesnt have any more grand children for a long long time and meaning when my younger brothers were ready she didnt want me to have more.. like really i was in my 20's living on my own anyways i was pregnant so tough luck ..... now that my children are in their toddler years and my oldest starts school soon she keeps saying no more grand kids ... my husband got snipped ... but haha right now we are wwaiting to find out if we are expecting baby number 3...... still ... showing all the signs just waitin on the test!

Stifler's - posted on 04/06/2011

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Argh how rude! I have the opposite problem... people telling me I'm going to have 4 kids. I only want 2, maybe 3 but not 3 under 3. End of story!! I want to go back to uni and finish my bachelor of nursing but I cannot afford 80 dollars a day on one income for daycare so I can do placement for free at a hospital 2 days a week and working in aged care probably just wouldn't cover it and I don't think I want to spend Damian's money on daycare as we pretty much pay bills, rent and save and groceries etc and don't have much left over after that and live comfortably. I just told them yeah sure.. sure I'm gonna have 4 kids... people can't be reasoned with. It's insane. Just do what you and your husband want or you'll regret it when you're old.

Amber - posted on 04/05/2011

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My SO's mother made a comment about it in a round about way. I've been a SAHM, which she does not approve of. She thinks that I need to be working and contributing to the bank account or I'm only burdening the family. Really? He's an NP, I'm not burdening anything by being home.

I graduate next month and am planning on going back to work, so she's ecstatic.

Our 4 year old is begging for a sibling though, and said so in front of grandma. She looked right at me and said, "He'll never know the difference when he gets older. You don't need another child."
I could have slapped her. Instead I told Chad that the next time his mother interfered with my life and was rude, that our son and I would not be making the 5 hour drive to visit anymore!

Tough for her because we're currently looking into adoption, then planning on another naturally. Her son wants 5 kids...I'm thinking only 3-4 haha.

Bonnie - posted on 04/05/2011

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Usually it's my parents telling me not to have any more kids. The odd time my MIL will kind of hint at the fact that we should probably be done, but she hasn't outright said it. My husband's grandmother has though. I just keep telling my parents (especially my mother) that i'm not sure what were are going to do yet, but it is our decision. My mother keeps saying, why do you need another, two kids is more than enough (we have two), but yet every once in awhile, she will say, "oh I wish I could have more".

Now I just have to get my husband on board for one more. In the end, it is yours and your husband's decision.

Jennifer - posted on 04/05/2011

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It is your own parents, so they can push your buttons better than almost anybody else (other than your own kids when they get a bit older! lol). If you want to, you can view his comment as coming from a place of love and concern that you will have a good life in the future. Has he witnessed some ups and downs in your marriage? It can be very hard on even the best marriage to have a new baby, and the first year after birth has the highest rate of marriage break-up so that is why I wonder if there have been those typical bumps in the road. He could be thinking of how you would manage if you had to do it on your own.
On the other hand, maybe your dad is a big jerk, you would know better than anyone else. ;)

Medic - posted on 04/05/2011

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I guess my long winded totally roundabout point is....do what ya'll want to do. We only live once and we can't take it all with us when we leave, might as well leave one hell of a legacy through the kids who we gave life too....either by birth or the honor of choosing.

Casey - posted on 04/05/2011

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Awww Jennifer I think it is a wonderful idea to adopt especially older kids who are stuck in foster homes and never really get to have a proper family and anyone who thinks it's a bad idea is crazy, good for you and I hope it all work out for you and your family.

Medic - posted on 04/05/2011

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A few people....my parents were actually sad when we were told that I probably would not live through another pregnancy so we have 2 right now. I have gotten more negative reactions from the fact that we have decided that since we cannot have anymore we plan to adopt out of the US foster care system to give kids that probably have no chance of getting adopted to have a forever home. It actually suprises me because I am adopted and even some of my family tells me how this is such a bad idea.

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