having trust issues

Tinamarie St - posted on 10/15/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My husband wounded me early on in our marriage we have been married 5 years. I am now really processing our relationship, it was difficult to do at first because I was bereaved over my mothers death. Having said that during the first 120 days of our marriage he spent the nite at his ex-wifes house, called him and she answered his phone and said he was asleep in Her bed naked, you can imagine my pain and confusion on top of trying to find my way through the loss of my mother along with being a newlywed this happened in oct 08 I spent x-mas alone because he was with her. It certainly wasn't due to me being emotionally or physically available to him this type of behavior continued till mau 2010, here are in 2013 & I am questioning some of his activities on his computer and phone, he is getting text msgs via facebook to his cell phone on a bogus facebook account I intercepted one on his phone that read whatcha doing with a shortcode to reply to, so I sent a response hanging out with my wife. When I asked him he became very defensive ans said hw didn't know what I was talking about. So I showed him & he still denied it. When i walk in the room he
will hurry up & get off of the computer. We havent had relations in 4.5 years its physically imposible I know what I feel. He says I shouldn't spy on him.

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[deleted account]

I think most people are appear kind and loving on the outside, but very, very few people actually are that way. Most people will be kind one minute, then raging lunatics the next. I find that their emotions change a lot as well. I've had people tell me they hated their exes more than anything in the world only to sleep with them two days later. Another man told me he loved is wife more than life itself then murdered her two weeks later.

Honestly, I have no idea whether these people actually do hate their spouses when they say they do and for some strange reason change their mind later, or whether they actually love their spouses and are only saying they hate them because it is more socially acceptable. I don't know if the guy who killed his wife really ever loved her or not. I don't get people at all, but I've been around them long enough to know that just because they say they feel a certain way one day, doesn't mean they will feel that way the next.

I happen to love my husband very much, and I hope that he will stay with me until the end of our lives (the natural end, I hope he doesn't kill me), but I acknowledge the fact that just because he loves me now, doesn't mean he always will. I keep myself braced for the day he leaves. I keep myself financially secure, I keep myself emotionally strong, connected with others and keep my life full so that if he leaves, I still have most of my life and self in tact. I also keep vulnerable parts of my life hidden from him because I know that one day, he might decide he hates me and try to use my vulnerabilities to hurt me. If he leaves, I'll be sad for a day or two, but it won't destroy me.

You just have to build up your defenses, keep them strong, and decide on your own whether someone deserves to be in your life or not. Don't try to trust people, don't let anyone trick you into thinking you have to trust other people to be happy. You don't, and you shouldn't. When you trust another person with something valuable, that is when you get hurt.
It's one thing to trust someone to show up for dinner on time, it is a completely different thing to trust them to show up for dinner for the rest of your life.

Tinamarie St - posted on 10/15/2013

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Thank you Kelly for your thoughts we work together as well so in one aspect we have too much time together and not enough separate interest. He is also suffering from a mental illness his sister told me about in september last year 2012 and that is manic depression which explains alot, sometimes i feel as though i am his mother, as much as i try to maintain healthy boundaries it sometimes is just difficult. He can be a very loving and kind man then he just boinks out for awhile, i didn't see this in the beginning he told me he hated his ex-wife one day and then the next he would tell me he loved her and will always love her, she from what i gather from his family is not a very likeable person and they told me not to trust her. i took their advice.. He obiviously didn't after he painted her out to be a monster he still likes to poke the bear. there seems to be more hurt and pain for me than joy. thanks for responding.

[deleted account]

You can never trust another person not to hurt you, and your husband is a person, so you shouldn't trust him.
When you are in a relationship with a person--any kind of relationship, be it a romantic relationship or marriage, a friendship, a professional relationship, or even a family relationship--you have to look at the person objectively, KNOWING that they will probably do something to hurt you at some point, and ask yourself "Do I love this person enough to justify any pain they may put me through in the future, or is the pain they could potentially cause me greater than the joy I get from having them in my life?"

If this person is important enough for you want to keep him in your life despite the pain he can cause you, go ahead and keep him, but brace yourself for the pain. Minimize his ability to hurt you. Whenever I decide to keep a person in my life, to keep a relationship with them, I lay out what parts of my life I am willing to share with them--no one should have access to all parts of your life. I wouldn't tell my clients about my husband and I wouldn't tell my husband about my clients because information that crosses boundaries like that can be used to hurt people. The less a person knows about you, the safer you are from the pain they could potentially cause.

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