He cheated what do i do?

Melissa - posted on 10/24/2012 ( 13 moms have responded )

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I am currently an Air Force Wife and we have been married since july 2011. in less than 3 months of getting married I caught him on dating sites and having sexual conversations with other women. He wuld give out his phone number to other women like he was a single man. I have since left him and we have lived apart for almost a year now. I feel cheated and lied to. I have been thinking about a divorce but unsure of what to do since he is Active Duty Military.. Please help..

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Melissa - posted on 10/26/2012

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Thank you Shawn but i cant even contact his CO due to the fact he refuses to give me any contact numbers for anyone on the base. I only have the number for the pharmacy and med group. I dont trust him at all and we were planning on me moving back up there the end of last month but all of a sudden he decided it might be better to wait.... Sorry but that blow up the red flag.. I am going to therapy for these issues but not gaining anything from it.. I have a lot of anger and hatred towards him for this betrayal.. Im just not sure of what my next steps need to be..

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/26/2012

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The only thing that military brings into the equation is that he may stand for some reprimand from his CO for untruthful and unfaithful behaviour, but that still doesn't mean that you shouldn't take steps to be happy.



I would recommend counseling first, however, if you feel that you could work things out, and that he would be forthright and honest from now on, but in my experience, once a cheater, always a cheater.

Melissa - posted on 10/26/2012

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He never gave me any reason to be concerned before this happened. I noticed several new phone numbers on our phone bill once i started bringing my daughter from kansas to arkansas every other weekend to visit her father. I then noticed his phone would go off all hours of the night and he would tell me that it was just espn. I also have espn on my phone so i only laughed inside knowing that if that was the case mine would be gong off as well.. I was sick one night and had fever so i slept on the sofa, he left his phone in the living room that night on the charger, when it started going off at 3 am and woke me up i looked at it. it was pictures of a naked girl and the more i looked into it the more i found not only of naked women but of him that he had been sending as well.. I do love him and i took my vows very serious. On the other hand i feel betrayed, lied to many of times and hurt.. I am finding it hard to even look at this man when i do see him since i am now back in arkansas and he is stationed in kansas 4 1/2 hours away.. I have asked him numerous times why???? and the story changes over and over again. I know in my heart i do not deserve to be a mans door mat to be there just when they want me to be while they are out doing other things ...

Sharlease - posted on 10/25/2012

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Melissa, I know it's hard to put all your business out there but did this start after you married him? Just from what you typed, it seems that this was his behavior before and because it was never checked or addressed, he feels entitled to blatantly disrespect not only you but the sacred vows before God that you both took. I think you need to have a serious discussion with him if you are contemplating staying with him; which I am sure you are torn about and really want to do. I pray for your sanity and clarity in this situation. Blessings!

Debi - posted on 10/25/2012

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I know if that ever happened to me I would never trust them again and our marriage would be miserable. For me, I would get a divorce.Trust has been lost.

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Jessica - posted on 10/28/2012

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I'm so sorry you are going thru this, if I were in your shoes I would go see his first shirt about this, or go to legal on base...I hope things work out for you.

Janelle - posted on 10/26/2012

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I think your instincts are serving you well Melissa. Keep listening to them. They will lead you to a better life with the man you deserve. IIn the mean time work on yourself so you don't feel damaged and bitter. Hang out with people that are going to support you and help restore your faith. This helps alot in recovering from this kind of scenario. Keep busy. Make a goal to to cut these emotional ties. Put a time limit on these feelings and then move on. Happily. Its like that saying.... if you let someone piss you off so bad they only live rent free in your head! No peace of mind and may possibly spoil your chances of future happiness. Learn from this experience and more importantly move on.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/26/2012

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You wouldn't need to contact his CO. I believe that it's automatic, because as a military member, I don't think the divorce can stay totally in a civilian court. I'm not positive on that, but many of my military friends have mentioned it.



I would explore my options. Start to make plans for when you do make your decision. If you want to file for divorce, get yourself an attorney that can handle the military aspect. I don't think they can force you to use a military attorney, but I believe that he would have to be represented by the military, since he's still active duty.



A single military man who's a womanizer may not present a problem to them. But, military personnel are expected to adhere to a code of conduct, and he broke it, so he's probably going to get some disciplinary action over that. Too bad, in my opinion, if he couldn't be faithful in the first place.

Stifler's - posted on 10/25/2012

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File for divorce. Whether he is military or not doesn't make a difference to your rights to end your marriage.

Holly - posted on 10/25/2012

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divorce him... don't worry about his active duty military carrier, he sure as hell didn't think about YOU when he did this

Janelle - posted on 10/25/2012

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Hi Melissa! Don't despair. Have a big think about this. I think once a person blantantly cheats (even if its emotionally by internet, it still is because it was done with intention); it is very hard to trust them in the long term because you will always wonder and you will always be resentful...They are awful feelings to live with especially if you are the kind of person who is sensitive to injustices.



Insecure and low self esteem people are contenders for this kind of behaviour. Some people do some destructive things to get validation. Don't ever try to figure it out, it will drive you crazy. Try not to let this experience make you bitter either as it may scare off decent men from getting to know you in the future. Believe you me they pick up very quickly on this! Learn and move on.... happily. Better you know about this now than 10 years down the track when you have invested heavily emotionally and possibly with kids!Oh my lord, that's when more people get hurt. Instead of feeling always betrayed think of it as a blessing in disguise that fate released you from this deceitful man.



Work on getting your confidence and self esteem back so you attract a better kind of man. When you marry next time be certain the next candidate has his emotional shit together because I really think alot depends on it and its a important quality that is often overlooked with both genders. Doesn't matter what a guy does for a living.. or if a woman is extremely attractive etc unless they have their mental/emotional issues sorted you can end up having a miserable life. Action speaks louder than words. Talk is cheap. My last boyfriend was emotionally unstable and disfunctional and made my life sheer hell. The man I married is very secure and funny and is able to love me with no issues. Let me tell you I haven't looked back!



In the end go with your instincts Melissa. My father once said to me: "Be wise with who you marry, they are 90% of your happiness" (My mother cheated on my father). I'm certain you can still get a divorce granted even if its hard to serve papers to someone. I think you just go to court to get it annulled without them. Something like that. Seek advice on this. In the end you decide what's the right thing to do. Just my thoughts Good luck Janelle

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