He won't let me....??? please help

Michelle - posted on 06/07/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )




Ok so my partner and I have had our fair share of issues...I posted a few times on here about them. Things were going good fight wise, he was studying (which he has decided not to do and is now job searching after spending almost 2 years at home doing nothing other than the basic looking after my daughter (as in feeding and bed time, the rest was on his computer) which I didnt mind, but back to the issue, I hadnt had my period and finally got it after about 2 years (because of the implenon I have in) so sex was off the table and he got really frustrated because I wasn't pleasing him in other ways if you get what I mean. However I've noticed that he won't let me hug him, kiss him or show him pretty much any kind of affection unless he asks for it, he has said multiple times why do we have to have sex only when you want it? I try to explain cause its a bit different for me than it is for him and I don't want to hurt his ego by faking really badly because I really dont feel like it. I dont know what to do, it's a major facepalm and I just get sooo frustrated at his lack of understanding, I feel he is trying to take the upperhand somehow which I dont like because I like to think we are equal, and him refusing to let me show him affection is just going to push me away and create issues yet again which I am really over and now our daughter is 2 I don't want her to be exposed to soo many rediculous issues again. Please help me if you can!!


[deleted account]

Okay, I'm gonna get pounded on here. . .

The simplest things go a long way with men.
1) Meet him at the door when he comes in, ask him how his day was and LISTEN
2) Make his favorite meals
3) Send him notes in his lunch/whatever "Have a nice day." "I love you" etc
4) Try a "date" night (Supper out, movie)
5) Sit close when he does things, even if you are reading a book and not paying attention to what he is doing, just be close.

These all show respect and support and although showing affection is important, men really like to feel respected and wanted.
Back right off in the affection department, make it your decision don't feel like he is taking the upperhand. Even tho your intent was not to hurt his ego it has been done. Bring his ego back by trying some of these suggestions and see if things don't improve even just a bit.
Don't make the equality thing an issue. You are equal but different and what is important to you is different to him. Think about it this way, if he had had a sore back for 2 yrs, where would that have put you. You wouldn't have felt his pain, nor would you have really noticed that he wasn't doing things (because of sore back) but the sex was off the table because laying down caused him pain.
It really is the same for him, he couldn't feel your pain/uncomfortableness but you said you have it so he believed you (kind of) but felt put off at the same time. It really is a sticky place you are in and you need to take things slowly.
You may not be actively showing affection like you want but you will be showing affection that he can understand and relate to by trying some of these suggestions or something that seems just as boring when what you really want is a hug/kiss. It should come back, eventually.

Louise - posted on 06/07/2012




Give him some space. Get a baby sitter and go out for the evening and just try and relax and remember who you both are. He has spent nearly two years feeling dejected because of your low sex drive, he is probably feeling really bitter that now you want him.

Just try and have a good time together and go to bed and just hug nothing more. No pressure on either of you to make the first move. Just keep doing this until he feels comfortable enough to make the first move again. Once you have got over this hurdle (which could take a long time) you will be back to normal. Send him little love notes, pinch his bum. There are other ways of giving the eye then just jumping on him. I think he wants to feel special and wanted and it is up to you to do this as you are the one in the driving seat here.

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