Heartbroken Parent

Jay - posted on 12/27/2014 ( 23 moms have responded )

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My daughter is 16 and has had sex for first time with 18 year old boyfriend


My daughter is 16 has been going out with her boyfriend that is 18 for four months now, yesterday I find out my daughter isn't a virgin anymore. I had spoken to my daughter of birds and bees and how to wait for marriage. I'm speechless and have anger. My daughter does great in school plays sports all round great daughter. Though of yesterdays notice I'm heartbroken Angry at her boyfriend because I had spoken to him before they even dated. I don't know what to do? And I feel I failed as a parent 😭

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Jodi - posted on 12/27/2014

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She's 16. The average age at which teenage girls lose their virginity is 16-18 (just for the record, the same average age it was back in the 80s, so I get so tired of hearing how sex these days starts earlier and earlier). This isn't about what you have taught her, this is about her making a choice that was, at the time, right for her. It is incredibly rare for anyone to wait until marriage.

As the other ladies have said, have a discussion with her about safe sex. Make sure she is taking some responsibility for both birth control and her sexual health. Explain to her the necessity for a check up and pap smear on a regular basis and even help her make that first appointment.

But you have not failed as a parent. Children will make these decisions with or without us. As a parent, you now need to have the right discussions and ensure your daughter handles her choice in a mature and responsible manner.

JD - posted on 12/27/2014

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I think you need to stop taking her decision to have sex as a personal attack. She was honest with you. I'm sure it took a lot for her to share that detail with you. You should feel relieved that your daughter felt comfortable enough to be honest with you. That means a lot. By feeling embarrassed and ashamed, you are making this experience about you. And, it is now really about the safety of your daughter. Open dialogue is important, and if you are making her feel ashamed, that window will close, and it might create a permanent scar on your relationship with her.

Mariela - posted on 12/27/2014

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Definitely safe sex is what to talk about. If he is a decent boy, he will agree.

JD - posted on 12/29/2014

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I absolutely agree with "Little Miss Thing Can't Be Wrong." This kid could get put on the Sex Offender Registry for life, and his whole life will be ruined. That's a lot of bad karma for you. Besides, do you want all that negative energy of going through a court hearing? Think about how that would affect your daughter. I firmly believe that people get what they deserve in life. You don't have to do a thing. In some way, this kid will be "punished" for his actions.

I try to teach my children to take responsibility for their own actions and not pass the buck. I think your daughter should just register this as a hard lesson learned.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/29/2014

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Think really hard about your next move. If you file against this kid, you could be damning him to a life long stigma of being a sexual predator. I don't think your daughter was raped, or molested, she fell into peer pressure. Is he an asshole? Yes. Should your daughter have more respect for herself than to give into sexual pressures? Yes.

I would sit down and talk with this boy and his parents. Along with your daughter and figure this out.

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Jay - posted on 12/29/2014

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Thank you Little Miss and JD, I didn't prosecute but only filed a report for my paper trail. I don't want to do no harm to no one just looking out for my daughter that is still considered a minor in Texas. This is something that my daughter has admitted a big mistake for what had happened. I believe it will be in his own conscious of his wrong doing. Today I went to speak to officers at substation they understood where I was coming from and spoke to my daughter and they asked me as the adult you want to prosecute or just file the report. I just filed the report. I know every mom is different, and that's what my daughter and I chose to do.
I did ask my daughter.

I'm very sorry JD of your past experience and how it might have been very difficult for you to remember and disclose.

I appreciate the comments everyone has provided and really calmed me down because you all are moms just like me and looking out for each other even thou we don't know each other, I Thank you all l. I will keep you posted on any changes

Jay - posted on 12/29/2014

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Today I spoke to my daughter and ask her on that day when they went to basketball game and had to pick up something from this guys house. If they had planned to have sexual intercourse and she said no. Then I said did you say no before anything happened and she said yes she had said no.... But he told her if she loved him and that he would delete a female friend he had on snap chat for her to want to sleep with him also she stated that he begged her to want to do it. I believe now my daughter fell in his pressure of reverse physiology and said what she wanted to hear. The State of Texas Age of Consent is 17. I contacted the police non emergency number and they stated I could file a police report but don't know if I should speak to an attorney.

JD - posted on 12/29/2014

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It sounds like it may have been a hard lesson learned for her. Let's hope so. I think you did the right thing by putting aside your anger. She must be devastated, and that is punishment enough. Best of luck to you all.

Jay - posted on 12/28/2014

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My daughter is in the 10th grade in high school and he's a senior, so once returning from Christmas break will be enrolled in a different school to finish this year off and would return back her junior year. This guy will not be in school anymore. We all went to the park my daughter and her brothers and sister younger than her along with my partner and everything was going good until she needed to go to the restroom and found her cell in my room. She looked on instagram to see if he had posted anything and yes and wasn't a nice saying of a picture not of her but a random guy with a saying bitches come and go and I don't choose anyone. So once she saw that she realized that he wasn't meant for her. And understands that if he really loved her he would of been a man to have spoken to me before I would of found out. She asked me if I could delete any pictures of them both so I did and she just said she hated him. I know its hard on her and wrong choices she decided to take. She really cried to me to say she was sorry and I held her with my open arms because I love her. I put aside my anger and my hurt to heal her pain she's going through.

Kelli - posted on 12/28/2014

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I'm in the same boat. Just found out my 16 year old son is having sex. I'm devastated.... I feel your pain.

JD - posted on 12/28/2014

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Oh boy. This guy sounds like he is definitely not right for your daughter. I guess you just have to hope that she will come to the conclusion that she deserves more than him. The problem is that sex brings very complicated feelings, especially for young girls. Is your daughter going away to college? This would probably be a very good thing.

Jay - posted on 12/28/2014

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Thank you Charlotte that is very true of the way a guy treats his mother...that is how he will treat you. It does make sense and is the truth. Now that my daughter isn't a teenager but a woman of the action that she took I will need her to start a protection plan birth control or an available plan to take. I know its not of me or me being selfish but these past nights I've cried myself to sleep just remembering from time she was small seen her grow and teenager just a kid at heart but I feel my daughter was pressured and did what she did one part because she feels she loves him and said yes because he told her the beautiful things she wanted to hear and now that I know this has happened to her. I as a parent don't feel good like something I can't cope with. I love my daughter very much but just unable to pass this.

Mommabird - posted on 12/28/2014

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One piece of advice my mother gave me when dating, which was also passed down from her mother, is "Watch how a guy treats his mother...that is how he will treat you." It makes sense..and it has been very accurate in my experiences. I have two grown boys age 23 & 24 and they still mind their manners around me, they wont even curse in front of me. They still ask me for advice and they treat their girlfriends appropriately.
I think they key here is to teach your daughter to have self respect and self esteem. If she has that, she wouldnt let a guy treat her badly or feel pressured to do anything. I read somewhere years ago that a real man isnt intimidated by a strong willed woman, and likes it when she is confident and shows self esteem.

Jay - posted on 12/28/2014

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I have met the guy and he's 18 a senior, returned to same school my daughter attends from an alternative school. He doesn't work, he asks his mom to do his hair, iron his clothes like he can't do anything himself. Also his mom purchased the most in Jordans. I don't think he is the future for my daughter. She has so much to do in life than be with a boyfriend. I trusted them and when I told her boyfriend there's boundaries you may not do or think of when dating my daughter. He understood my conditions to be allowed to date my daughter. My daughter knew from birds and bees using protection, to Stds, etc.... I gave my daughter that trust and that she could come to me with anything.
Yesterday I look thru her cell and see prior texts messages from both and this guy really is mean by the way I read them and my daughter like puts up and she says well its like argument boyfriend and girlfriend have. But this was more than one text. Also, he texts my daughter for a picture of her boobs!!! And she texted No I'm proud of her for saying No. So I wouldn't want my daughter to see this guy anymore. But that's my opinion ☹

JD - posted on 12/27/2014

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I'm so sorry to hear of your husband's passing. It must be difficult raising children in these circumstances. I'm not sure that forbidding her from seeing her boyfriend is a smart strategy (think Romeo and Juliet). Perhaps you can sit down with the boyfriend and your daughter and have a discussion with them together. What do you know about the guy? Have you spent much time around him? Met his parents? Maybe these are options you may wish to consider.

Katherine - posted on 12/27/2014

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I get where you are coming from I am a young mom and I know that I embarrassed myself and my family when I found out I was expecting and I was 20. I even waited till 19 to have sex for the first time in college. I wish It hadn't been so taboo in my home when I was younger and that I had felt open enough to tell my mom. Be proud she did i lied until I couldn't anymore. Clearly I was expecting... Teach safe sex and maybe if you can get her to see what the consequences of sex can be. I doubt you can stop her now but maybe you can get her a great long term birth control not just condoms and the pill that so many forget! she is not a kid anymore she is a woman who made her own decisions and hopefully she won't regret them someday.

Mommabird - posted on 12/27/2014

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I agree with JD and Mariela. Good advice so far. Ive been asking around about advice ahead of time because our daughter is only 10 1/2 but kids are learning things nowadays before we even have a chance to teach them about it so....someone suggested I go ahead and buy this book because it helps with LOTS of different issues and teens. (sorry for the long link)
https://www.google.com/shopping/product/7692509128589754884?es_sm=93&biw=1366&bih=643&sclient=psy-ab&q=teens+having+sex+books&oq=teens+having+sex+books&pbx=1&bav=on.2,or.r_qf.&bvm=bv.82001339,d.aWw&tch=1&ech=1ψ=rgWfVOeRLcP9yQS__IGgAw.1419707827591.5&prds=paur:ClkAsKraXwVs2HxMgjFDZPhd7ZBQDFAY17medfc9_uqRKJOppjss25rZlcWqYgjjwl9n9QeVX-8W0u4oxxTTYnrUa5FfLPJX0FJl_5626e7_Rk39wYoykTM5PRIZAFPVH727tRwF10G8kfL-CI7uMbSvN04tRQ&ei=3wWfVMikH430yASW64GAAQ&ved=0CN4CEKYrMAw

Jay - posted on 12/27/2014

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Thank you for your comments, I will talk to my daughter of safer intercourse and agree with Mariela and JD. I just never thought would of happened the way it has. I'm not embarrassed of her. I love my daughter and just want the best for her. I really appreciate you all.

To be honest I don't know how to begin the conversation with my daughter and do I still allow her to see her boyfriend. I really have explained how school is very important and college and everything else can wait. I'm heartbroken because I've been mom and dad to my kids. Her father passed away 8 years ago. My partner has been with me for a couple of years and has been there for my kids but when explaing or talking about things I do that.

Mariela - posted on 12/27/2014

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I agree with JD reinforce she is making an adult decision, even if legally by age she is not an adult.

Jay - posted on 12/27/2014

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I found out because I had a conversation with my daughter of how friends might tell her of there relationship with there boyfriends, and then she stated no they don't talk like that. So that's when I asked her if she was a virgin and my daughter nodded No! She hesitated to inform me. I've always spoken to my daughter she could tell me anything, but never thought something like that... Well not yet or soon I feel embarrassed as a parent because I have taught my daughter better. She has a cell phone do I take away disconnect?

JD - posted on 12/27/2014

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First of all, you are not a failure as a parent because your daughter had sex. I think in this day and age, it is unrealistic to expect girls to wait until marriage to have sex. I believe that the best course of action is to begin dialogue with your daughter about practicing safe sex. The bottom line is that we can't control what our children do when they are not in our care. The probability is that she will continue to have sex. And sometimes, the more we protest, the more they want to engage in the activity that we are against. Perhaps, you can talk to her about the statistic rates of teen pregnancy. Less than 2% of teen moms earn a college degree by the time they are 30, and about 50% drop out of high schools. It's important that you don't stay angry because you will only push her away. The reality is that she is having sex, whether you like it or not. So, logic implores that you help her to know all the facts so that she can make responsible decisions in relation to her new practices. By the way, how did you find out that she is having sex?

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