Hello I just found this sight and signed up today in hopes of finding answers :) I am a step mother to an 11 year old (boy). He lives with his father and I. I have been a part of his life for 4 yrs now. He goes with his mother on some weekends. I have two of my own, 5 and 7 (girl & boy). My question is when should i just stay out of trying to help out with him? I have so many concerns about the things he is doing. His grades, him having a cell phone, lap top, kindle, (all with internet) its the things that he is looking up on the internet that concerns me, he's only 11. He has a girlfriend, mind you, he is only in 6th grade. Hangs out with her after school, constantly texting that he loves her, keeps asking her to kiss him when she has already told him no. It's just been rough because i have mentioned everything to his father and we talk about it but nothing ever really gets done about it. It has been going on for the last three months. I have been on him this last week about his grades and him not turning in homework. I looked at his phone this morning and he is texting his dad at work that i think he is stupid. He is texting his

Rebecca - posted on 10/30/2012 ( 6 moms have responded )

7

0

2

Being a stepmom: When to care or when to just stay out of it?

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 10/30/2012

3,560

36

3907

I think this is something you need to discuss with his dad, because he needs to take the lead on these issues. Given he lives with you and only visits his mother some weekends, this is something that you and your husband should be able to get on the same page about in your own home, and be able to set some ground rules with him, and ensure there are boundaries. Really, without your husband's support on your views, you will be fighting a losing battle.



So I would suggest that you and your partner set a time to sit down and discuss with him exactly what you have told us, and the two of you agree to the boundaries, then you BOTH discuss those with your 11 year old. Once this is done, you have to back each other up each and every time you need to deal with it.

Rachel - posted on 10/30/2012

64

0

28

It's obvious you love him and want what's best for him. You're in a tough situation. As different people with different views, you may run into these bumps throughout raising your children. You must come together and compromise to do what is best for him. If he sees that Mommy A lets him do this, but Mommy B doesn't, who do you think he will want to follow? He will run to Mommy A for everything and shun the advice/leadership/parenting of Mommy B. This is not to sway you from what you believe - this is to encourage you to have a united front in parenting, or as close as possible. Have a sit down with them both and take a very gentle approach to it. Write out your thoughts/concerns and voice them as clearly and kindly as possible. Also, you should be able to contact the mother of his "girlfriend" and talk to her about your concerns with the two of them. Some parents will believe everything their child says is true until another parent sets the record straight. I encourage you to remain as diligent as possible in your parenting regardless of if you feel alone - you are not.

6 Comments

View replies by

Jodi - posted on 10/30/2012

3,560

36

3907

In some ways, partners need to be so much more on the same page, and better communicators, when it comes to step-child discipline than with biological children they have together. It is a really tough job, being a step-parent. It can take time to find the right formula, so get that communication happening :) Good luck!

Rebecca - posted on 10/30/2012

7

0

2

Thank you ladies :) I really appreciate your comments. My whole train of thought has shifted by reading your posts. Much much appreciated :)

Rebecca - posted on 10/30/2012

7

0

2

Yes...it was cut off. Thank you! He is also texting his "girlfriend" that he hates me and the he is going to start punching things. For her to tell her mom that i'm being mean to him. It seems that he has been talking to her mom about me being on him about his homework and such. I guess it's weird for me to be having him talk to this girls mom about me. I'm just confused on what i should do with him. His dad never checks up on his phone, the things he texts or looks up on the internet or his homework. and his mom only gets him on the weekends and all she does his buy him stuff because he pouts if she doesn't. I looks as if i'm being the bad person and his bio parents are looking great. After reading his text messages this morning, i'm feeling like the evil step mother. I don't yell at him. I treat him the same as my two kids. I want to just sit back and let his dad deal with it, but it would just be too hard for me to see him fail in school or get in some trouble with what he is doing on the internet and then i would feel like it was my fault for knowing and not doing anything. But once i do say something about anything with him, my husband gets upset with me, my step son hates me. Just don't know :(

Rachel - posted on 10/30/2012

64

0

28

Your post seems to have left off at "He is texting his-" was there more? There was another post that seems to have cut off part way through.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms