Hello, I'm new to this site and I'm desperate for advice and opinions. My fiancé and I have been together for 3 years. He has 2 kids, Emmale 18 and Djay 14. When we first met his ex wife wasn't allowing him to see either of them. In less then 6 months he moved into my home that was just built with my 2 roommates. I wont bore you with detail- but basically his daughter and I were very close when we first met- like great friends. A couple weeks prior to meeting her (she was 15 at the time, and 18 now) she ran away from her Mothers home and refused to go back because of physical abuse and constant fighting with her Mom. She moved in with a relative. Her brother stayed in the home. To sum up the kids childhood - it wasn't good. They changed schools almost yearly, jumping from apartment to apartment. They were in a bad environment with a Mom that was a drug addict, drunk and made poor choices. She wasn't allowing Dave to see his kids. Eventually after Emmale ran away we started having regular weekend visits. She was telling her brother that he would like it at our house we are in the country (they grew up in the city) and soon enough he was able to come over. He loved it. He was essentially living on his own with his Mom. She wasn't ever home and if she was it was to sleep off the hangover the night before. Long story short- she started to abuse him as well and we got 100% custody. When Emmale, his older sister found out he would be living with us, she wanted to come too. I was 30 years old at the time- no kids of my own and not much experience playing the “parent” role. Literally over night I moved my paying roommates out and the kids in. It wasn’t even something Dave and I had to think twice about- it was his life long dream to have his kids back – and I loved him so much it felt like the right thing to do. Dave feels horrible about the role he’s played in the kids life in the PAST. I think the guilt plays a big part in parenting them now. When the kids moved in and me Knowing the lack of stability in life before now I tried to implement certain thins in our daily routines like: home work after school, we always sit down together for dinner as a family- and I also “tried” to have a few responsibilities to encourage the two of them to take pride in their home and feel accomplished for lending a hand. Of course, along with this came allowance. I’ll be completely honest- I was on my own with this. Dad wasn’t into following through with consequences and I wasn’t OK with allowing the kids to live under my roof and not do a thing to help. So, here is where I became the unreasonable hard ass. Of course, looking back I probably seemed like a real b*%ch seeing they were 11 and 15 and NEVER had been made or taught a thing about helping out. Because the kids were pretty much removed from their Moms house – we were able to qualify for IFBS (intense family based services) and every 2 weeks this amazing lady, Roxane came to our home and we sat as a family and talked about concerns, good things, bad things, what was going ok and what we needed to change. It was really helpful to have another adult that was qualified and educated in this area to give me very positive feedback. She also did say that Dad needed to be the disciplinary, but that we should both come together and discuss what we each thought was fair etc. This rarely happened – almost every time I went to him with a concern he looked at me like I was crazy and often accused me of “looking for reasons to complain”. I didn’t really need to look for reasons to complain – the kids did NOTHING. And to the exact opposite extent- the few rules that I wasn’t willing to budge on were regularly being ignored (no food upstairs in the bedrooms or computer because they were left un-rinsed and grew mold and got stuck on, and once a week the kids own bathroom was to be cleaned. So, it means that twice a month each child had to clean the bathroom) remind you, my house “was” brand new- and I wanted it to stay nice. This was the start of our issues, and from there it went down hill, uphill, back down etc. Emmale (and I) didn’t adjust well living under the same roof when we started out as friends. She wasn’t into taking direction from me, and now living with her I was able to see habits and lifestyle choices that I wasn’t ok with. Some areas where I was really concerned were with her obsessive behavior with her phone (we finally had to make a rule- no electronic devices at the diner table. She couldn’t go more then 5 minutes without texting someone, or being on twitter and facebook. Normal teenage actions- but what I consider unhealthy extremes. Her Dad agreed with me, but wasn’t comfortable asking her to put it down at night or when we had company etc. So, I was the hard a$$ again in this case. I think it’s unacceptable to go to a thanksgiving dinner and completely ignore relatives that you only see once a year to talk to a virtual friend. Over time so very much has happened – I’ll try my best to describe whets come up in the last 2+ years. - She moved in and claimed that the family member she was living with abused her, wouldn’t provide thins she needed and was alcoholic. Her Dad and I went out and bought her almost ALL new clothes. - She wasn’t a active teenager and was extremely over weight and we encouraged her to get active doing something she liked. Well, she claimed to have been on the lacrosse team at her last school. We went and bought her new lacrosse equipment ($280.00 to find out she wasn’t even going to practice- she went the first day and quit. - She was sending over 10,000 texts a month and after seeing this we looked into things closer and she was sending nude pics to strangers. I was NOT ok with this and said her phone needed to go up for a week. When she gave us the phone she took the sim card out and used a different phone. - Once it became clear to me that Dad wasn’t going to fulfill his role in discipline etc. I felt like I couldn’t just let things that were sooo wrong to go on. Our IFBS counselor told Dave and the kids that they need to respect me and HE needs to step up. We agreed that I would go to him with issues and we would decide how to address them –but it would be coming from him. Anytime I went to him he accused me of looking for reasons to complain about his kids. - An example of things I was going to him with (Because of his attitude towards me, I let A LOT slide to avoid arguing) some thins I wasn’t going to let slide and went to him with were Emmale bashing me on facebook to friends that she didn’t realize I was close with, stealing $30 from my purse, her having boys in the house when we were not here, her failing grades and skipping school, smoking and just really not being honest about anything. I’ll fast forward a bit to this last year. She started having visits with her Mom who would provide alcohol to Emmale and her friends and let them party at her house. Her Mom introduced her to one of her “friends” a 27 year old man. They started dating. Emmale started going to her Moms every weekend despite Dad and I telling her no. We called back in the IFBS counselor who talked to Mom and insisted she do the right thing with her visits with Emmale. That next weekend Emmale got a job near our home (we live about an hour from her Moms house) she went to “Work” one night and we went to pick her up and they said she never showed. Next thing I know, I’m getting police officers knocking on my door to talk to be about the alleged abuse to Emmale. She made up a story… Not a good one. She said I called her names, threw stuff at her, was mean, didn’t buy her things she NEEDED (tooth brush, shampoo, tampons etc) and finally Dave came to my defense for the first time and said that I was so good to the kids and he would never allow any abuse etc. As it turns out Emmale was sent away to a group home and admitted that she made that stuff up to be able to move in with her 27 year old boyfriend. When she found out that wasn’t an option and she would be placed in a foster home she didn’t think coming home with us was too bad. She was never made to apologize to me, and it was treated like it never happened. In no time that guy was history and she was back to being great buddies with me. Well, mind you $ is tight. I have a new home and just lost over $1300.00 a month from renters. She wanted to shop non-stop and I couldn’t swing it. Her Dad realized this too, and tried to explain this to her. She ended up getting a job and I was the one who brought her to and from work every day all winter long. Not a thank you, gas $ - notta. Meanwhile, Im thinking we are back on track and then I’m sent print screens of her social networking opinion of me. She refereed to me as “Dads cunt” and “wicked step mother” and she was making up so many stories and situations it was starting to bother me that people could see this. Me knowing it’s not true doesn’t really explain it. Her Dad said I needed to deal with it. So at one of our weekly family meetings I asked her about it. She denied it, and before I could even show the print screens her brother, Djay spoke up and said that she ALWAYS talks bad about me and lies to get people to feel bad for her. I knew this- and he does, yet Dad still didn’t think discipline or sitting down and telling her this ISNT acceptable never happened. So much has happened aside from what I’ve listed and this leads me to our current situation that has me thinking ENOUGH IS ENOUGH! When she moved in with us she wanted to have us sign off and allow her to drop out. NO WAY, it wasn’t even up for discussion- and now we are a week away from her high school graduation. She turned her HS career around after just a year with us- so much that she’s planning on attending college this fall and was awarded scholarships. Her Dad and I are so proud of her. She approached us and asked if she could invite some friends to her “family” grad party. We agreed. Well it ended up being a horrible night! Emmale and her friends were sneaking beer and booze and when confronted with it she admitted it and asked if they could drink if they stayed the night. I probably did the wrong thing- but I said OK as long as no more people showed up. As it turns out more friends by the truck loads came and I was so beside myself that her Dad was choosing to get upset for me “trying to ruin a good time” and allowed it to happen. I chose to leave because I didn’t want to be responsible for these underage kids and now they were refusing to hand over keys. The next morning I came home and my house was TRASHED beyond belief!! They played beer pong INSIDE and so much beer spilt it went through the floor and ceiling into the kitchen downstairs. Just couldn’t believe it!!! I immedialty woke Emmale up and made her friends leave and then demanded she clean up her mess. She sat in the chair and was ignoring me. I’ll admit- I yelled at her to get up NOW and pick this place up. Still nothing. I looked at her Dad and told him she had 5 minutes to get up and start cleaning. He just told me to calm down it would get done. I wasn’t OK with it getting done when they got around to it- it was getting done NOW. She got up and cleaned and her Dad and were discussing the nights events etc. Well all of a sudden Emmales bags are packed and her Mom is here to get her. She’s leaving for a few days. Well, a month and 16 days have gone by since that day and she wont return calls, emails, texts etc. Her brother informed us she got tattoos, piercing, and had quit her job. She was basically turning into her Mom and making poor decisions. She left the house with over $1000.00 in graduation money for books and a upcoming college deposit and she blew it. Her Dad was pretty embarrassed with this situation. She again used us and then took off. Well, here is where I’m at. Her grandmother pays her cell phone bill and apparently she claims that Emmale has had phone problems for the last month and a half and that’s why she hasn’t called or been in touch. Her gram defends Emmales actions no matter how foolish they sound. So of course, college is right around the corner and she needs another $800.00 (I paid the last 800.00 in may to hold her spot). All of a sudden she misses her Dad and brother and wants to come back to the house. Her gram is bringing her by to see her dad this evening and I know the question of can she come back will come up and I feel like I’ve done more then my share for her to continually be stabbed in the back and played like a fool. The other thing is giving her $ for this college deposit. She needs it next week and remind you she had that money and spent it. She also quit her job and has basically been with her mom bumming around drinking with people that aren’t friends – but rather want you to foot the bill. I don’t feel like I want to give her another chance. Similar situations to what I’ve described above happed probably 18-20 different times and I’m not up for supporting someone that can’t stand me- yet says the reason she’s successful now and planning on attending college is because of me believing in her and being there when know one else was. I’m not conceded but I have put the kids first (where they should have always been) and did sacrifice so much for them. Aside from being shocked in how Dave has handled these last 2 years he is now saying that being her Dad I don’t understand how he can forgive and forget and I DO get it. I just feel like picking up the pieces for her after ever choices that SHES made is hurting her more then helping. Can someone tell me if I’m way off base? Or if the (on the mild side) situations I’ve explained are reasons enough to feel like enough is enough and withdraw from financially supporting her and not welcoming her back into my home?? :-/ Very sorry for the length of this plea for help!

Heidi - posted on 08/02/2013 ( no moms have responded yet )




I've supported my fiance's 2 teenage children for the last 3 years. After never ending disrespect, and feeling very much used I'm ready to say "ENOUGH!" If I do this, I'm taking a chance of loosing my fiance and his son, who I think of as my own.

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