Help?

Jaja - posted on 02/03/2016 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I have a 10 year old daughter who used to be such a sweet, sweet thoughtful girl, always cared for others until few months ago, her attitude had completely changed. She whined about every little things even though it seemed so simple to do, like for instance doing chores. AJ had been doing chores for as long as I remember without complaint until now. Hormones would've been the answer, but she hasn't started yet, might be too young. My husband and I are very firm when it comes to parenting and punishment, but we feel we have tried everything to no avail and no success. AJ's attitudes always responded in whining, anger, yells and hits us. Please help to make this stop and how to help her change for the better.

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Annie - posted on 02/05/2016

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It really does sound to me like you are doing the right things. Just don't take it personally. You seem like an attentive and wonderful parent. That's going to make all the difference in your daughters future. Hang in there!

Jaja - posted on 02/04/2016

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Jodi,
Ok, I won't take away family time anymore. I didn't realize that. Whenever my daughter is with us, she would ruin the time we try to spend together, by pouting, talking back or mock her brother when he went on about his day at school. Yells, etc. So, I'll have to send her to her room whenever she does that? Whenever she calmed down, I always went to her room, talked about it and hugged on other and moved on. It seemed like a repeated cycle almost every single day, but I won't give up on her. Thank you. :)

Jodi - posted on 02/04/2016

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You took away family time? I wouldn't take away family time. This is a period of time in her life when family time is more important than just because she enjoys it. It's important because otherwise this is a time she may start to disconnect from her family and become more influenced by her peers (which is a natural progression). Removing family time, unfortunately, will become more than just a consequence for her. Unless, of course, she is carrying on during family time, in which case, she needs time out from that. But don't use it as a punishment.

I do exactly the same with the "go to your room until you are calmer and then we will talk", but I do not take whatever is shouted back seriously. It's just the hormones talking. I have an almost 11 year old, and she sometimes does the same. I don't give her "air time" (I don't pay attention or respond when she says things like that), so she tends not to waste her time saying it anymore. But after a break in her room, I know how long it takes her to calm down and I then go there and have a chat (calmly) and she hugs me and we are done. We've now reached a stage where, because I deal with it calmly and don't take it personally, she will even come out and come to me and apologise, which is incredibly mature of her.

Raye - posted on 02/04/2016

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Try not to take it personally. Kids don't have the emotional maturity to filter what they say when they're mad, and will say whatever comes to mind. Even if they regret it later, they usually don't apologize. So, treat it like water off a duck's back and let it roll off you.

Jaja - posted on 02/03/2016

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Hormones? Ok, we will do our best. We do not allow hitting in this family, EVER. It's the first time she has hit us whenever she gets emotional. We took away what was precious to her, family time, her ipod, and gets sent to her room if her behavior doesn't improve. Once, I told her, "You need to go to your room until you calm down, we will not talk with you once you calm down." My daughter yelled, "Fine. I rather be in my room than being with all of you!" That hurt. I cherish our relationship dearly and I don't want it to be torn over this.

Raye - posted on 02/03/2016

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Hormones could still be the reason. Just because she hasn't gotten her period, doesn't mean that hormones aren't gearing up. If she's getting body hair, boobs budding, etc. then that's hormones.

You need to be firm and consistent with rules and consequences. Do NOT allow hitting. If she doesn't have control over her emotions, she needs to be separated from the family and remove all privileges until she can calm down.

Annie - posted on 02/03/2016

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I don't want to make an excuse for her bad behavior but 11 year old girls do get whiny because of hormones. 10-13 is a wild time for mother and daughter! They're about to go through a lot of changes within their body and it frankly can make them a little emotional and crazy. I find that what has always worked best with my own daughter is to remain firm but calm. Any elevated emotions that I give off just exacerbate her intense emotions. Calm. I don't think your daughter is abnormal. Hang in there, mom.

Dove - posted on 02/03/2016

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What do you do about the hitting? Unless you are not disciplining effectively or she has mental/emotional health concerns... 10 is way too old to think hitting is acceptable.

10 is a pretty wicked age for most girls. That's when hormones do start getting out of control (even if they don't start their periods for 1-3 more years). It's not an excuse for poor behavior, but can help the parents to not take it too personally.

Sometimes a 'chill out' alone in their room to read, draw, listen to music... whatever calming activity she enjoys... can make a world of difference between an escalating battle and some peace.

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