Help

Theresa - posted on 05/28/2016 ( 3 moms have responded )

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My son (18) met a girl and 3 months later moved in with her. We tried to talk him out of it but obviously failed. We had a very strong family unit and now it's starting to crumble. I am one of 6 girls and one of my sisters was verbally abusing my daughter. Needless to say we don't have a relationship with her anymore. one night we were at my other sisters house for Easter and my sons girlfriend and my close sister got in a heated argument. My sons girlfriend hates me now b/c she feels j should have came to her defence. Maybe I should have? Now my sons girlfriend is very close with the sister that we don't have a relationship with and spends a ton of time together. I have heard through the grapevine that they talk badly about me. So my 50 yr old sister is fuelling the negative. I am trying to keep a relationship with my son and his girlfriend but it's extremely hard b/c the girlfriend has been very rude to me. And now when they come over she barely talks to me and i feel like a prisoner in my own home. :(. Mother's Day came and I was speaking with a therapist to get help and she recommended I ask for just his "time" alone to build on our relationship. He was sooooo mad st me for asking for time alone that I got "NOTHING" for mothers day. But his girlfriend made a point to go on social media and Praise the sister that verbally abused my daughter. I feel disappointed that my son hangs out at the one person that abused his sister, abused me. And now I have to take abuse from his Gfriend. :(. I cry at the drop of a hat now when I think of the mess..,and my husband has done NOTHING. He sits there when the girlfriend is rude to me and says nothing. It's been months now and I resent him for not sticking up for me. I am the only one defending myself. :(. I guess I am asking how to deal with the girlfriend, my husband, and my son.

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Lorraine - posted on 05/28/2016

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Feel you in everything. But, I have to say leave it to God The Almighty to handle. He says, The Vengeance is Mine". So live with those who accept you and love you and move on. Don't waste your time in those negative people who only try to bring others down because they don't have Peace. Find The Peace you need with God and not people who are always trying to bring us down when we have sacrificed everything for them. This is our free will , choices we make and then we have consequences which is every one due the chain reaction. So continue to love your son and be there if and when he needs you. Concentrate on you and God and everything will fall into place. Don't let the devil get the best part of you. he is only here to destroy our families with strive, envy. Don't allow. We have a mind set of or own. We control it. So don't allow evil to come in to your home.
God Bless Pray for as I'll Pray for you. Life is too short and temporary. Live positive and ignore whatever the others say about you negative. You know who you are.
A Mom

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Theresa - posted on 05/28/2016

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Thanks so much for taking the time. Hard situation and hearing from other mothers either already gone thru or going thru hopefully will give me some tools. Therapist said to only focus on what I can control and to not let anyone bully me. Easier said than done. When the Gfriend mistreats me I have not retaliated with anything as I know my son will stick up for her. I sometimes think it would be better to not have them around but then I miss my son so it's a double edge sword. My husband we have had many talks together and with therapist. He does not like that I am being mistreated but is frozen in situations. It hurts me that he can't stick up for me and I am mad at myself for not sticking up for myself when situations arise. Group therapy is not optional as the girlfriend would never go. She made it clear she wants no relationship with me but still continues to come with him. And when she is around is very short with me, ignores me, and snubs me. And jabs at me when ever there is an opportunity. So for now,,,,I do my best to smile, ignore and when they leave I cry....it's so hard to be treated like that in ur own home. :(. I do it for my son.

Ev - posted on 05/28/2016

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"My son (18) met a girl and 3 months later moved in with her. We tried to talk him out of it but obviously failed. "

When I read this first couple of sentences in your post, I honestly thought this was another one of those where the parents were trying to control the 18 year old and his/her life. As I read it became clear that there was more going on to this than there was. But I would like to point out in your post that you said you tried to talk him out of things with this girl and he is 18 (An Adult). He can make his choices that he wants even though a teen still be legally able to make his own choices good or bad. You are going to have to learn to deal with that and just remember you did your job already. Now it is up to him to do the rest for his life time.

As for the girlfriend, sister and all the stuff going on I think there may be more to it. And it is causing a large rift in your family and extended family. While I do not need to know more than what you put, you have to just learn not to let it get to you. It will take time but brush it off. The more they see it troubles you the more it gives them fuel to push your buttons. What else has your therapist said about this and advised you to do? As for asking for time alone with him, though a good idea, at his age he does not see it for what it is. He is very involved with this girl right now and its all new and exciting to him. He is going to want her with him everywhere. You can remember how that was when you were so attached to someone dating. I think you should keep in touch but maybe not ask for his time alone for now as it seems feelings run high still over whatever has happened to cause the rift. When they are over just be polite even if the girl says nothing and do not let it "trap you" in your home. As for your husband not saying or doing anything, its past time to talk to him about what is going on. Ask him what he thinks. It may take all of you going to family therapy to work though this.

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