Help 11yr old son doesnt want mom back at home =( Please help

Courtney - posted on 01/13/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Im a 28 yr old mother who has had addiction problems, recently I left our home to go to treatment then to a 90 day half way house program. I am sober 6 months and I am 7 months pregnant with a healthy baby girl. My sons father and I are planning on moving back into together with our 11 yr old son who told his father a few nights ago he doesn't want mom to move in and doesn't want to change how things are. Thing sin the past were not excactly healthy as I would play on my phone and our sons father and I would argue a lot to do with my drug use. I have really taken the initative to change and with another baby on the way amd my sons fears my heart is breaking. My bf is so nervous because of my past actions but he really sees the change and wants our family to work out in the past we lived with his disabled father caregiving for him and plan on moving into our own place on the 1st. Our son being an only child and a daddy and grandmas boy he is really afraid that he is going to be unrepairably upset about us making him move in. I am just really looking for any advice I can get on how to ease our son into being able to trust that I not only have our babies best interest in mind but also his. Im truly to the core shaken up that my own son doesn't want our family back together and he has been hurt by me leaving in the past. Anyone have any idea how I can get him to trust me and how to repair his broken heart from the damages I have done in the past that is making him not want to make this transition?

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/14/2014

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Courtney, to PM, just click on the person's name in the post response. It will take you to a profile page that will have a button to send a message.

Let me restate for you one thing: YOU CAN DO THIS! You have a support system, which is most important ;-)

Courtney - posted on 01/13/2014

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How do I pm you? I am so new to this site any help or just having someone who has experience to correspond with would be greatly appreciated.

Courtney - posted on 01/13/2014

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I really appreciate you're input, as I have been searching tirelessly looking for people who have been in similar situations and couldn't find an appropriate outlet. My bf is very committed and I informed him I was going to try a forum this afternoon to see if I could get any real life responses from people, and he was hesitant that peoples responses might not be exactly supportive.

Courtney - posted on 01/13/2014

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I really appreciate you're input, as I have been searching tirelessly looking for people who have been in similar situations and couldn't find an appropriate outlet. My bf is very committed and I informed him I was going to try a forum this afternoon to see if I could get any real life responses from people, and he was hesitant that peoples responses might not be exactly supportive. I have cut out every person I have ever used to with or that I know uses I did this when I decided to go to detox I actually threw away my phone so I wouldn't have any temptation, I have deleted email accounts and have worked really hard at ridding myself of anything that could be toxic including people places and things. I have an amazing support group and my dr.s are really amazing too, I decided to make the change in my life before I found out I was pregnant I was in detox 7 days then treatment for 15 before I found out I was carrying a healthy beautiful child. The fact that my family being my bf and son are willing to give me the chance to walk back in their lives hopefully for good this time means everything to me, and for so long I tried to change for everyone else when I really need to change for myself and rid myself of the demons and chains that were keeping me locked in the dark and forcing me into a chemical seduction. I am extremely grateful for your positive advice, and we are going to seek family therapy sessions for all of us and then for my son and I solo and as well as getting him some solo counseling. I am just so confused and at a stand still on how to begin this process, the 1st is coming soon and with his honesty him and his dad have an amazing relationship, I just don't want to force him into living together again so soon with his worries, but we don't really have another choice with the baby coming in 2 months. How should his father go about making him feel safe about us making the move? Or what do you think would be the best route for us to take for the initial transition to happen?

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 01/13/2014

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*******WARNING, BLUNT, STRAIGHT & TO THE POINT CONTENT AHEAD************

First of all, GOOD JOB committing to and completing rehab. I'm married to a recovered meth addict (25 years sober), and I know how difficult that is. Now, here's the very blunt part

Its going to take A LOT of very hard work on your part. Your son was forced to grow up well before he should have been due to your selfish actions. He watched you spiral to the point where you got into rehab. He watched the person that he loves more in this life than anyone else choose alternative substances over their own child. He, in his 11 year old mind, needs to protect himself from further injury, and his way of doing so is to be honest with his father about his feelings in regards to the whole family. Be glad he was honest!

I'm sure that, in rehab, you learned that it takes time to repair the relationships damaged by substance abuse. This is the one that's going to take the most time, and be the most difficult for you. You need to let him go at his own pace. Family counseling is a must if you're going to continue to move forward. You and he need to go for sessions together, but he also needs the opportunity to go for sessions on his own, to make sure that his feelings are validated, and being addressed. Dad can benefit from this as well, and should be willing to participate for the sake of the family's health.

Now, do you have a really SOLID support group around you? This is also necessary. You need to be willing to completely cut off contact with anyone left over from the substance abuse days. Period. There is NO safe level of contact with those people. You need to be ready to forge new relationships, new friendships of a healthier nature.

YOU CAN DO THIS!!!! PM if you need to for support. LIke I said, been on the other side of this one. You CAN succeed, and your family CAN move forward!

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