HELP

Jennifer - posted on 08/12/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been together since we were 14, we married young, had kids young and we are now the parents to two adult children, our daughter and her husband live with us and our son and his finance live close by. I feel like I have everything in life, including our amazing 7month old grandson. The problem is my husband and I have a hard time with understanding our son in law. He has a hott temper and it goes off every once in a while and it is hurtful to us and our daughter says it is also hurtful to him. He doesn't seem to understand the concept of respecting us in our own home and I am not sure how we can work this out. It is my tone, my daughter says I am very mean towards him 100% of the time and I don't believe that is true. I do defend myself and my husband and daughter whenever I need to. They need to live with us because they are from two different countries and they need a place to live with their son and dogs. I have always been the more the merrier and very open and kind. I have never felt mis-treated the way I do around my son-in-law and our daughter can't take it anymore, I know that if I just say go - we will lose her and her family, this is not something I want. Nor does my husband. How do we make a mend and live under one roof? How do we strengthen our relationship and stop the rude and mean remarks? Does anyone understand what we are facing? I want it to work, I am so proud of my family and how far my husband and I have come - it is truly a blessing. I don't want to lose her and her husband and baby and dogs - I just can't figure out how to live the way we are living without another outbreak and them taking off to live wherever, which is nowhere, it's stressing me out. I love my daughter too much, I know I can be a better person. I can't speak for my son in law. I hope he can find a way to get over whatever it is that bothers him and not treat us like we are his equal, we are his mother and father in law, we are there for them, always will be. How do we get respect and how does our daughter not see what he is doing?

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Sarah - posted on 08/12/2013

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I think you guys need to sit down and talk about things and really listen to each other. Allow the other person to say how they feel and how they preserve things and then understand where they are coming from. Some of his remarks may not be coming from disrespect it may be coming from frustration. It is hard when you are all living in the same house. No one truly has their space and each set of adults has their own set of rules and ways they do things. Your daughter and son in law are new to this marriage and parent thing....they are going to have frustrations and disagreements. Remember what it was like when you and your husband were young and had small kids. Now add in the mix of the grandparents living in the same house. That can be stressful (for both the grandparents and the parents). Grandparents are the ones that are to spoil the grandkids, enjoy visiting with their children, but then having their own space and enjoying the next stage of life. It is your house and you are the grandparents, but at the same time it is also their house and they are the parents. I am sure what is happening is both sides are feeling like they are being stepped on. As you stated you want to be respected in your house....which I agree you should be. But at the same time they need to be respected in their house as well. Not all the things they do are you going to agree with. I love my in laws and we have a great relationship....we often vacation together, but I can't imagine living with them. We would hate each other by the end of it and it would not be intentional....it would just be from each of us stepping on each other.

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Jennifer - posted on 08/12/2013

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Thank you Sarah, I agree with what you say. It's been so hard and I don't want to live like this, it's so bad for everyone. My daughter has arranged a 6pm - in house - family meeting, I know that she will leave if we can't work it out, but I know that she doesn't want to leave on bad terms and I know that she realizes her citizenship and health coverage would not match their's and that could make for dificulties. That is why they need to live with us until all the paper work is complete so that they can then find a home in a nice area and leave on good terms. That is what we are all looking forward to. But this is the 2nd time he has blown over my town and has told me where to go and not in kind words - it seems to me that I nor my husband would ever do that to each other's parents, no matter what tone they spoke to us in. It's so hard when people are raised differently. We are at a loss and don't want to be controlled by him. It is scary. Thank you so much, it is nice to hear from the outside - I hope our meeting goes well and we can keep it together, I really want a good relationship with my daughter and her family, I don't want her to feel like we love her brother and not her. We have always tried to be fair, my heart is pulsing in my throat over this. I can't wait to have the end result and I am praying for it to be one we can work with.

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