Help!

Marie - posted on 12/04/2013 ( 5 moms have responded )

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So I seem to be having a problem. I heard my mil tell my daughter that she and mama were going bye bye, referring to herself. I thought it was kind of weird. So I brushed it off. Each time I heard her say it, she would correct herself and laugh. And each time it would get more and more on my nerves. Now yesterday was the fifth time and I'm wondering what it is that she does say when I'm not around. She tells me her "funny" stories about when people ask her if my lo is her lo. The way that she says it gets to me, like it's exciting. Before I heard her refer to herself as mama I thought that maybe it was because she was happy she looked younger, so I dropped it. But there are other things too, like spanking. I have had a rough childhood so I don't spank and I prefer that others don't either. There's no way to stop her father, but my mil shouldn't do it period. Especially since I know she resorts to that when she is fed up and angry. I don't want a single person angrily laying their hand on my daughter. Same goes to smacking her on the hand. It's not okay with me and I have a hard time trusting people as it is. She wonders why my daughter never wants loves from her and I guess she never sees the look on my kid's face after she disciplines her. It's really heartbreaking. My DH says that I'm crazy and she doesn't mean anything by it when she refers to herself as mama, but how am I supposed to believe that? I have heard it 5 times and I can't trust that she doesn't do it behind our backs. So what do I do? I notice it's only when they are about to leave, I don't know if that helps or not.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/04/2013

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Wasn't trying to be negative, my dear. Just because I agreed with your husband about how you were reacting isn't negativity.

And if you can't be an adult and approach the woman face to face and say "this bothers me, please stop", then you do need to work on that, otherwise you're going to spend a hell of a lot of time stressed out about things that you won't confront.

Its a matter of how comfortable YOU want to be. Well, and a matter of you and your husband needing to get on the same page for things like discipline, etc...

The bottom line is you're the mother. If you don't like something, change it. If you can't do that or don't want to "hurt feelings", then you'll be stressed for the rest of your life.

And, I am one of those people that is no nonsense. I have no time for nonsense, so I'm straight forward and very blunt.

You would actually relocate yourself and your family to another STATE to avoid conflict?

Marie - posted on 12/04/2013

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I'm honestly asking for help. I'm not asking so people could mock and be negative towards me. I come from a very mean family and anytime I had talked to her before she ended up crying. Part of me is disgusted because crying is what most people do to get people to let them have their way, another part feels guilty by the way I may have expressed it. I don't have good social skills. But I was going on a limb and asking other moms who may understand. It is apparent to me now that was a mistake. What I will do though is allow her to refer herself as such and work on moving state harder. It was a plan but now that I know I'm on my own, I'd much prefer leaving the problem then to receive negativity from others. Have a great day.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/04/2013

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Well, then you need to put on your big girl panties and tell mil that you don't appreciate her referring to herself that way, that it bothers you, and it offends you. And don't be surprised if it hurts her feelings, and she starts treating you differently.

But, were I in your shoes, I probably would find something more important to be concerned about. (but that's me)

ETA: in regards to the disciplinary actions, that is a discussion that you and your husband need to have with your relatives. If you both agree that no one other than you two have disciplinary authority, then he needs to back you up with mil. But, if he spanks, he probably doesn't see any problem with his mother enforcing discipline either. Its one that the two of you need to be united on. If he won't come around, you can ask mil to not spank or pop on the hand, but she'll probably not heed you, because her son hasn't stated the same.

Marie - posted on 12/04/2013

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I understand what you are saying, but my lo calls her gama. Also she corrects herself when she calls herself mama. I did laugh off the stories at first, but now it's hard to do that cuz when she tells me the stories I can't help but think about all the times she referred herself as mama. And she says it like momma, not mahmah. I'd be fine with that. But not with it sounding momma. I know she's not trying to offend me or put doubt in my mind, but it's happening too much and too close together for me to be okay with it.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/04/2013

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So what do the kids call their grandmother? grandma? Mama? Meemaw?

Maybe she chose mama as her grandma name. My MIL is gmome. My hubby calls her mome (mommie, but when hubby was 4, he wrote 'mome' and she loved it), and I call her mome (proudly...LOL...I'm the only daughter in law allowed to do so) So, when our kiddos were born, and we were talking about grandparent names, we ran the gamut. We finally let the grandparents pick their names. We have everything from Gmome, Meemaw, Mammy, Grandma R, & Grandma D.

My point is, if the kids call her 'mama', instead of Grandma, it doesn't necessarily mean that she is trying to be Momma (you).

And she wouldn't be the first "young" grandmother who was mistaken for a kid's mother instead. That happens frequently! Heck, I was even assumed to have twins at one point, because I had 2 boys the same age with me (mine and a neighbor). People assume things all the time. You can't stop them. When she tells you that "so&so thought she was my kid" story, you need to laugh it off, and respond with something like "isn't it ridiculous what people will assume to know".

To be honest, I think your husband is right. (not that you're crazy) She doesn't mean anything by it

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