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Michelle - posted on 03/29/2014
Why does it matter to you why the other women have married, it's none of your business. If you want your MIL to stay out of your life, you need to do the same to her.
I dated a few guys in between my 2 husbands and I guess a stranger would think that my current husband married me to stay in Australia. He didn't though, we just knew straight away that we were meant to be together and were engaged 4 months after we met and married 10 months after we met. It doesn't mean that we have a sham marriage at all.
Your MIL's age also has no relevance to why she can't date, she doesn't have to be alone just because she's over 50.
Jodi - posted on 03/28/2014
Oh, FFS there we go all judgemental again. I feel sorry for you. It must really suck being so high up on your pedestal that you feel the need to throw personal insults at your in-laws over things that are absolutely none of your business. I mean, who CARES how many people a woman in her 50s has dated in the last 7 years? It is no different than if she were in her 20s or 30s. What the heck is your problem? Good luck keeping that husband of yours around when you treat his family like crap.
Jodi - posted on 03/28/2014
I dated 5 guys in 3 years between my first husband and my second. I must have been a real slut!
Honestly sweetheart, you cannot say WHY she is marrying her current partner. That is not your prerogative. The more you say, the more you are coming across as a judgemental ignoramus.
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 03/28/2014
What? You are taking offense that your SIL obviously loves you enough that she wants you to be in her life forever?
Oh, and I just thought of this...What if your husband gave his mom permission? He could have, you know...And maybe he's just telling you he didn't, so you'll stay off his back.
Jodi - posted on 03/28/2014
"is it also ok for my SIL to say that she wants to see us grow old with her."
How is that a bad thing? Talk about being judgemental about the person she is marrying. I have been following this discussion, and your last comment there, all I have to say is I am glad you're not my SIL.
" She cannot put this 2nd wedding against us if we don't want to come."
But it isn't "we" who don't want to go. It's you. And if I were your husband I would go without you and tell you that YOU can explain to my sister why you chose not to be there because I am not your messenger boy.
â« Shawnn âªâ«â« - posted on 03/28/2014
Addressing in order of complaint:
1) Yes, it’s preferable for inlaws to obtain permission for something like a hair cut, but in true reality, IT’S HAIR!!! It grows back. Throwing a fit about it gets you nowhere, and makes you look like a very whiny, selfish person. You’ve heard the phrase “pick your battles”…well…it applies here.
2) Also, the ‘frugal’ nature…Ok, so hide your dish soap when she’s there, or put away the bottle she alters and get it back out for her next visit. Easy enough.
3) Extra napkins/towels ALWAYS come in handy. Instead of being ‘offended’ that she does this, stuff them in your vehicle’s glove box or console so that the next time you NEED one, you have one. Again, no big deal, but being blown out of proportion.
4) Cooking when food is already prepared…Can’t think of any good reason why she would, except perhaps she has dietary needs that are not being met by what has already been prepared? This one I WOULD ask her about. That’s unnecessary, unless she’s doing it to meet a personal need.
5) The grocery shopping…again…pick your battles. Speaking as the parent of adult kids…sometimes I LIKE to purchase their groceries, or get them an ‘extra’ that I know they enjoy but don’t purchase for themselves. I LIKE being able to show them that they are still important to me, and that the state of their pantry matters to me. I don’t do it constantly, nor do I do it consistently, but I do it. You’ll do it when your kid moves out too. It’s a ‘mom’ thing, I guess. If she’s purchasing foods that you don’t normally use, what’s wrong with donating to your local soup kitchen or homeless shelter?
6) Eating out…You do realize that not all human beings consume the same amount of food. Perhaps she is full. Again, is there REALLY anything wrong with it? No. So, you have leftovers. Usually their great as a snack later. I don’t see her being a martyr, I see her as not being able to finish a plate. I can’t either. Am I a martyr?
7) The whole ‘communication’ thing. You need to bend. If your husband asks his mother to contact you, and she texts, THAT IS CONTACT. Quit being so darned specific about HOW the woman contacts you. Good grief. Again, I won’t re-address the hair, but the communication ABOUT it.
8) You say that you’ve been ‘together’ 11 years, and keeping your mouth shut…well, now you’re nitpicking. Is this better?
9) The number of men your MIL dates is none of your business. She’s an adult, she’s raised her kids, and she (apparently) is single. Would you enjoy your daughter in law (should you ever have one) dictate how you should run YOUR dating life? I think not. That is one subject that you need to shut your mouth on, unless you feel she’s endangering herself.
10) Yes, another problem is your sister in law. Who gave you authority to judge her? Who told you that it is ok to spread stories? Her marriage/divorce/dating…none of your business. And, why are you upset about phone conversations that you shouldn’t have been eavesdropping on in the first place? Did she invite you to participate in the phone calls to her partner? If she’s lying to her partner, its between the two of them. You’re not their mother, you’re not their babysitter.
11) Again, with the sister in law. How do you know that the reason she didn’t have children before was because she didn’t want them? Assuming things only makes you look like an ass…perhaps her ex couldn’t help her conceive.
12) Wait…MORE on SIL??? Good grief, woman, get off your SIL’s back. You have no business butting into hers. If she didn’t use FB before, but does now, what in the hell does it have to do with your relationship with your husband? Except that you’ve apparently pushed the line so far that he feels he needs to let his sister know you’re making unfounded accusations about her…and she has every right to know that. Although, I do have to ask, if his sister was not a US citizen, was he? Did he marry YOU for citizenship?
13) What else does he tell her, and does he have the right to? Well, he probably tells her every time you make an unfounded accusation, at the very least, so she’ll be able to defend herself against anyone you might call on her.
14) “like her mom, she change men like she change underwear”…Honey, you’ve only stated 2 men in 8-10 years for your SIL, and 5 over the last 11 for your MIL, so that definitely is not “as often as they change underwear”…Quit spreading rumours about your inlaws.
15) Generally, when a Jewish family invites others into their home for the Shabbat meal, they explain the traditions and customs as they go along. You should not have been made to feel ‘vulnerable’, unless you already had a mindset that you are uncomfortable around those of the Jewish faith. I, like a few other previous posters, am sensing a dislike of the Jewish religion.
16) If your MIL has a medical condition, and you are a nurse, you need to be more empathetic, and apply your professional training. Your husband is correct. You also need to quit dictating to everyone how things ‘should be’.
17) You don’t ‘have’ to do anything in this life but pay government fees and die, if you really want to get down to it. The rest is done purely in the interest of keeping your life happy, healthy, etc. And, in the interest of family, you DID marry, and there IS family history that comes along with that. Furthermore, no you don’t ‘have’ to attend any of the family events, but you are pretty darned selfish to prohibit your husband from doing so.
Your husband did not become your sole possession when you married. If you think he did, you are mistaken. You need to reevaluate your commitment to being a part of his family. When you marry someone, you don’t’ negate the rest of their family, you become an integral part of it.
He’s right about you RSVP’ing regrets to your SIL for her wedding as well. You’re the one who doesn’t want to go, and doesn’t want him to go, so you’re the one who needs to take the responsibility for responding. It may not be YOUR priority to go to his sister’s wedding, but for HIM it’s his family. And you’d darn well expect HIM to do what you wanted to do with YOUR family, I bet.
While some of your feelings are slightly valid (yes, either you or your husband should have given permission for the haircut), the rest are not, really. And, if you’ve been with the guy for 11 years, this isn’t exactly the first, ever time you’ve been around his family…
Guest - posted on 03/28/2014
I have to disagree with a lot of what you said in your last paragraph.
When you marry a man, you marry his whole family. Just because you are married to him doesn't mean that you take the place of his family or come before his family, you are now an equal part of his family. He shouldn't take your side of an argument just because you are his wife any more than he should take his mom's side just because she is mom--he should take the side he believes is correct.
As far as telling his sister about your thoughts, that is fair game. If you don't want someone to know what you think of them, don't tell anyone. Once you've told someone else something, you no longer have the right to stop them from telling others, no matter who they are, so choose what you tell other people very carefully and never say anything you wouldn't want other people to hear, because eventually, others WILL hear it.
I agree with being angry about the haircut, but the MIL apologized, and she even cried, it's pretty obvious to me that she knows the screwed up and is very sorry about it. As for her constantly trying to help, that is her trying to feel useful, and it is very common in parents after their children are no longer dependent on them--they feel useless and unneeded, so they try to help a lot more than you need them too. It's okay, just thank her graciously and toss out the extra napkins when she leaves. When she visits, let her cook and take care of her son and grand baby for a few days, it will make her feel a lot better and will actually reduce her constant need to help out. She is fishing for a "Thank you, you've helped." When you just keep telling her how much you don't need her, she is more and more compelled to try to do stuff for you to prove to herself that she is still needed.
As for the wedding, if the reason you are not going to go is because you don't want to, then I agree with your husband that you should be the one to tell his sister. That said, I think you should go. It is ONE day of your life, and it is a very, very important day for her. I'm not religious, but I doubt God will smite you down for supporting your sister in law at a Jewish wedding....in fact, isn't that one of the rules? Love thy neighbor? To me, that would mean that even if you don't approve of their lifestyle you still love and support them. But like I said, I don't really do religion.
Amy - posted on 03/28/2014
Ms Me---I have to say, I pretty much agree with you on everything you stated in your original post. I also have an overbearing mother-in-law and I would be soooooo angry if she EVER cute my son's hair---or anything else that intrusive for that matter (especially without consulting me!)!!!! My mother-in-law lives only about 20 minutes away from us---at least yours is a state or so away---not that my mother-in-law or yours are bad people at all but I can totally relate to the mother-in-law being way too involved.
As far as your sister-in-law, well, I mean her personal life isn't necessarily any of your concern. However, you guys are family now, so you guys are going to be in each other's business in one way or another. I think I'd feel the same way about all of this concerning your sister-in-law if I were in your shoes. I'd probably have the same questions about her wanting/not wanting to have kids and so on like you.
And as far as that 'surprise' Jewish dinner and them not making it known to you, I would be feel INCREDIBLY uncomfortable (and upset with them for not telling me what's going on!)!! It has nothing to do with it being a Jewish dinner per say, I personally just don't like surprises like that--I need to know what's going on so I/my family are prepared and aren't caught off guard like you obviously were.
Just because you're a nurse, doesn't mean you have to treat your mother-in-law like she's a patient like your husband would seem to prefer. She's your mother-in-law, not your patient for goodness sake!!
I totally agree with this statement you wrote: ...... "I also told him that I'm his wife and he should be on my side in this issue. I'm the mother of his child and our marriage should be sacred and his extended family comes next." I seriously could not agree more!!!!! You know, I haven't been through any of these exact situations, but I can relate to the overbearing/annoying mother-in-law and family issues. My boyfriend is very family-oriented (I'm not so much) and his mother is his best friend (oh here's another similarity---we both come in a distant second to our mother-in-laws!). She always wants to come visit, she's always texting and calling my boyfriend, so on and so on....
Oh, and your husband shouldn't be texting his sister about your private situations---it's none of her business. Unfortunately, that's one of those things that you probably aren't going to be able to stop. For example, my boyfriend and his mom text all the time and I find it incredibly annoying, and as much as I wish I had the magical power to cut way down on their communication time, I don't. Talk to your husband about him sharing personal information with his sister (or any other family member for that matter) and tell him that it's very important to you to keep those sorts of things between yourselves unless you've agreed that it's something you want to share.
And as far as the wedding, you shouldn't have to go if you don't want to. I have a feeling your husband isn't going to miss his sister's wedding, but that doesn't mean you have to go if you think you'll feel uncomfortable and/or just don't want to deal with everything going on that day. Are you okay with your son going or do you want him to stay home with you?
I definitely do not think you're wrong to feel how you feel about any of this! I absolutely do not think you're being a difficult daughter-in-law----you're not really doing anything that would put you in the category of being 'difficult'. Sounds like you just want to be happier, feel more confident in your marriage, feel like you're number 1 on your husband's priority list and have his family back off just a bit. I hope things work out for you and get better!!! :)
Michelle - posted on 03/28/2014
Well if your husband didn't want to help his family then HE needs to tell them. It's not up to you to dictate how he interacts with his family and if you start to then he may just have to make a choice and it may not be you he chooses.
You do sound very selfish and I think you need to take a good look at how you treat others. He would first support his family over you though, have you heard of the saying: "Blood is thicker than water"? It's true.
Just because the wedding will be a different religion is no reason not to go. The world is made up of different religions all are right to the person who believes, one religion isn't any better than the next. I think you need to learn tolerance of your fellow human beings and not be so judgmental.
Mathandise - posted on 03/28/2014
I think you been difficult daughter in law.Yes the hair cut i agree, that was wrong for her to do without consulting you.But as for their personal life boyfriends and divorce is none of your business.For me it seems like you don't like your in laws in all ways.As part of the family it does not matter what kind of wedding thy doing but you must support them and stop judging them.Remember you are also in titled to your own opinion regarding other gathering if you feel thy can do without you then is fine for you not to go.As for the wedding is a must go.
Gud luck just sit down and find a nice platform of getting along with your in laws for the seek of the boy and your hubby.
~â¥Little Miss - posted on 03/27/2014
"t's not our priority to go to that wedding if I feel I will be vulnerable again. "
Whhhaaaaaatttt? So you are saying that it is not HIS priority to go to his sisters wedding because you might feel vulnerable? How? It is not your wedding day. Maybe that is the problem, the spotlight won't be on you, so you have to make it about you.
~â¥Little Miss - posted on 03/27/2014
If you don't go to the wedding, it will make matters a hell of a lot worse. Sounds to me like you are a bit spoiled, and only think about yourself. Maybe they don't feel they can be honest with you 100% because of how judgmental you are. It does not seem like you take your husbands feelings into consideration or what kind of relationship he wants with his family. It is only about what you want and what bothers you about your in laws.
Michelle - posted on 03/27/2014
You don't have to tag a long. You can say no to little family events if you don't want to go. A wedding isn't a little family event though.
You do care though otherwise you wouldn't have written so much about them. It obviously annoys you enough to rant to complete strangers.
Just because you have a son doesn't mean that you are excluded from the family.
Ms - posted on 03/27/2014
I really don't care of whatever they do in their lives, my only point is, don't get me involve or don't expose me into it every time. I don't have to meet all these people in their lives. When we're together with these people my husband and I have always to tag along with them like children. No questions asked, we have to do it. We have no choice. And I don't want this to continue since we have a son now.
Michelle - posted on 03/27/2014
Reading what you have written you sound very judgmental.
Is it really any of your business regarding your SIL's relationships and why she didn't have children in her previous marriage? Is it really any concern of yours that YOU think she married her first husband for citizenship? Does that affect your life in any way........NO!
Did it occur to you that maybe HE was sterile and she DID want kids but couldn't? Just because someone is married for 8 years doesn't mean they have to have children or even can. I have a friend who has been married for 10 years and is only just pregnant with her first.
In regards to your MIL, you are again judgmental. It's of no concern to you how many boyfriends she has, it's her life and she can live it how she wants.
I guess I can understand about being upset over the haircut but seriously, you need to ignore the other stuff. It doesn't concern you and other people have every right to live the life they want, it may not be what you would do but it's their choice and you have no right to judge!
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