..help?

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As many people know..teens dont tend to talk about things. Today i noticed my daughter was down, and i began to pester and pester her untill the point she was yelling, swearing and screaming. She told me i was pushing her to the limits, and that i wasnt her mom, and then eventually said i have lost her. I know it was wrong of me to pester her. It got to the point where i was angry as well and wouldnt let her go to bed untill she said the nasty things and started ignoring me. I should have just given her the alone time she needed. Have i really lost her? I am so afraid sometimes. I am a strict/caring mother..but these things still get to me. Have i really lost my teen? What do i do next time? So confused..need help!

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Kim Lorraine - posted on 04/13/2014

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Im sorry for ur struggles.I to am a strict mom with my just now turned 17yr old foster son, ive been fostering 15 mths now.He also would not talk and had anger outburst.I have him in excellent counseling once a wk. I can suggest to tell ur daughter, i know we have our ups and downs, but no matter what i love u and if u ever want to talk im here
and promise to listen and b open minded. Leave it at that and c if she responds.Give it time.If she still refuses to talk and has outburst( my son has outburst qnd cussing there r serious consequences i am very consistent with and he has learned self constraint) i suggest counseling for u both, to learn better communication and i suggest consequences for unacceptable behavior.Also i never allowed myself to get on sams level of outburst and disrespect. He learned there would b consequences. I kmow its frustrating and hard not to get angry and when parents get angry it just escalates the problem and causes teenager to shut down more.I took in a very troubled 16 yr old and his anger qnd disrespect was like something ive never witnessed before. I raised 3 teenagers and thru each one i learned to b a better mom. I learned children of course, need love, guidance, stability, structure and everything being consistent, especially consequences. I have never even raised my voice at sam, thru his worse temper tantrums, cussing and disrespect.I calmly
walked away and when he calmed down he would apologize and i began immediately with cosequences. Taking his ipod,t.v and xbox for a wk. When the tantrums continued i took everything for two wks.He began to learn respect as time went on. Now there r no more outburst or disrespect because he figured out i was very consistent. I tell him im happy to talk to him, but he will give me, same respect i give him.Teenagers need to learn self restraint. This technique has worked miracles and the consequences r the same for any unacceptable behavior. Being consistent everytime is the key to this being successful and consequences that r ones, that really make them think about things.If u take away ipod and they have computer, t.v, ipad, xbox, there is no consequence when they have all these other devices.Take everything!! It shows them ur not putting up with anymore outburst and disrespect. If she throws a fit, tell her thats another wk now and stick to time given for punishment. I have a different teenager in my home now and he knows to think before reacting and knows consequences will take place. His behavior and respect now has brought a peaceful home. We still deal with issues but learned staying calm, walking away and when he has calmed down, calmly tell him, u have liost all ur things for 2 wks.I wait till hes at work or school and then remove everything as this keeps things from escalating if he was there,He found out quickly that when he comes home all his stuff will b put up.This technique has worked wonders!! Soo i suggest teaching her she will not have anger outburst, cussing and disrespect. If shes alraady agitated, its worse time to try talking to her.Give her time to mellow out and then just calmly let her know u love her and will always b here if she needs to talk. I learned with mine and sam, there r times they just need to vent ( again always respectfully) and they dont want advice, they just needed to vent.U learn as they learn to communicate with u. If u need to speak to her, tell her u expect same respect u give her.If she starts with attitude , calmly get up and walk out.Later attempt it again, but tell her this time, she will listen and if any outburst or disrespect remember always consistent consequences and consequences that make her really think about not having her favorite things taken away and i promise u, u stick with this, u will eventually have a daughter who no longer has disrespectful outburst. This keeps u calm and u begin to have a peaceful home and ironically it brought sam and i closer together and with constant counseling he has opened up to me about things.I told him from beginning im always here for him to talk to me, but it will b with respect.He now asks me, can we talk and its with respect and the maturity now in sam is amazing a yr later. I hope this helps. Anything i can give advice on please let me know.Shes not giving up on u, u have to make changes in order to gain her respect and from there it opens up communication that u can both work on:-).

Lorna - posted on 04/13/2014

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Give her some space... By all means apologize for pushing her into talking,when clearly she is trying to think,and figure things out on her own. Just let her know that you understand if she is not ready to talk. Tell her that you love her and are just worried about her. Let her know that of she would like to talk about it... That you will be there for her. Sometimes we need to step back away from our children and let them grow a little bit. They have to learn to problem solve on their own sometimes. Yes be supportive but allow them to feel they can make decisions on their own. The toughest part of being a parent is letting them grow up. She will come around trust me. Good luck I hope this has helped a little.

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