help.

[deleted account] ( 103 moms have responded )

hi everyone, i know there probably aren't any males on this site but i have a question i would like to ask and I'm hoping some of ya may help me out. so i just found out that i have an 11year old daughter. now the thing is that she doesn't have my last name. now the question is if I was to change her last name will I have to pay child support,please keep in mind but I do provide everything and anything my daughter needs. I am NOT a dead beat dad.I provide for her a visit her and I give her everything i can give to help.

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Jodi - posted on 12/12/2014

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But this is not about who was right and who was wrong. This is about the fact that a child has a name she has lived with for 11 years. It belongs to her. She is a human being with rights too. You cannot USE your child and her name to get revenge on your ex because you were wronged. She is not your possession. You do not get to make major changes in this child's life just because you are the father who suddenly found out he had a daughter. You need to think of how all of this will affect THE CHILD. I don't care how it affects you. You are an adult, you can just suck it up and get over it because you can't change what happened. But this is a child. She shouldn't have to suck it up and get over it because you feel angry at her mother. She has had enough to contend with.

Noone here is suggesting you are the bad guy in what has happened. However, the actions you take now will determine whether you are the bad guy in the future.

Sarah - posted on 12/13/2014

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My age is none of your business! No one says you are a bad person, but you are behaving badly. Just because you are in her life, do "everything", and "anything she wants is just a call away" does not make her your "property"!
Geez oh Pete, get over the friggin name! It means nothing! You are not entitled to change a child's name simply because half of her DNA came from you! Like I have said about a dozen times, there are millions of kids who don't share the same last name as their parents, for a variety of reasons.
Perhaps you ought to be asking about how to parent this little girl, as you have no experience, instead of harping on labeling her as "yours"!
Giving a child everything and anything she wants, is not parenting. So stop acting like you are such a hero for shucking out some cash for her these last six months and start preparing yourself the next few years.

Sarah - posted on 12/13/2014

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I had to take a break from this insanity.
Qunizy, you did not come to this site for advice on how to parent a 11yo girl that you just discovered was actually your daughter. You came to this site wanting to know if changing her name would require you to pay 11 years of back child support. The bottom line, is you will only know what support you owe if and when you go to court to get her birth certificate changed.
Something you posted just a few posts ago " that little girl will do whatever I tell her to do she is so attached to as if she knew me all her life." That sounds manipulative and twisted. She should not do whatever you tell her to do, father or not, because SHE JUST MET YOU! Biology does just not automatically forge an instant relationship. That take years of learning, earning mutual respect and forming trust.
Enough with the name change crap, I see two reasons you want that to happen:
1 Your ego is so huge that you can't stand a child of yours existing without your brand attached to her.
2. You want to go back and claim 11 years of tax exemptions.
This whole story of she's got money coming to her, just does not pan out with me....there are MILLIONS of children that do not share their parents last names. So stop, just stop.

A mystery phone call in the middle of the night? Really, this is starting to sound like a made for TV movie. If mom believed this was another man's child, and suddenly 10 years later wonders if it was you, is that really the way you'd be notified? No, you'd get a petition from a court official requiring you to present yourself for a DNA test before you ever even laid eyes on the girl. So if what you sat is true, then the courts are already involved. Unless, you did some hack, mail order test, heaven forbid.

Jodi - posted on 12/12/2014

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"I even help her from time to time".

Wow, aren't you just the martyr?

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/12/2014

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I gave you some really great advice, but it is being ignored.

Also get some parenting books. It will help.

Kids are NOT cheap. So everytime you think about your wallet, think of her mom and how much she has spent raising your daughter that you should have been helping with from the start......but she never told you about her.

Serioulsy....stop making this about you. This is about your daughter now. Get a lawyer and figure this out legally.

Being a father is not in her last name. It is how you treat her, love her,. encourage her, are there for her. Just stop about the damned money and last name for a minute. There is a little girl that is probably very confused about her emotions trying to get to know her bio father right now. SHE is going through a LOT. Stop thinking about your damned wallet.

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[deleted account]

You right I'm wrong. Tx for you advice if we quality without you starting some kinda controversy over it.✌😘

Jodi - posted on 12/13/2014

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"One she doesn't have my last name do to her mothers mistakes.2 if something was to happen with my child due to the fact that she has her stepfather's last name I have no say in worry about."

Complete and utter bullshit. You think that if a child has one parent's last name and not the other that you have no rights? In that case why do I have all the rights for my son and yet his father no longer has any? I don't and never have had the same name as my son, and wouldn't even think to bother changing it because it is completely unnecessary. We've gotten by the last 17 years just fine without having to change his name to mine. You are certainly full of excuses for the purposes of your own ego. Get over the fucking name. It means nothing to anyone except you.

Secondly, if the mother wanted to, she could give that child any name she chose even if you knew about the child from the start. So you can also come down off that high horse.

And let's face it, you're not getting a name change unless you get the mother's approval anyway. I wish you luck with that.

Sarah - posted on 12/13/2014

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This entire post has been about how you can get her to change her name and how much back child support you'd have to pay! Until you are recognized as her father on her birth certificate, no matter what her name is, you still have zero say over what happens to her. The two issues are not related. Surname does not equal paternity, and paternity does not equal matching surname! How many times have you been told that in this post!

[deleted account]

One she doesn't have my last name do to her mothers mistakes.2 if something was to happen with my child due to the fact that she has her stepfather's last name I have no say in worry about. 3 I never said that I was gonna force her to change last name.

[deleted account]

Lol is that so? I have about a million other people that would tell you different. I do everything and anything for that little girl what ever she wants or needs is just a phone call away. As for the mother well if she was on this page she will happily tell you different. Just because a man want to change a child last name doesn't make him a bad person how old are you again?

Sarah - posted on 12/13/2014

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And "it is complicated" or "she's got a trust fund" are not legit answers, they are excuses.

Sarah - posted on 12/13/2014

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You have not given one valid answer to why you want her name changed and why you believe it is your right? Even you being present at the delivery does not guarantee she's have your name.

Jodi - posted on 12/13/2014

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I am beginning to see why the mother of this child didn't want to tell you that you were the father, because you clearly don't give a fig for the child's welfare. Not that I CONDONE not telling the father, but I'm starting to understand why.

[deleted account]

I have answer all questions but for some funny reason it seems like it isn't the answer ya want to hear. I have display all info yet ya make it seem like its about something else

[deleted account]

Lol I think you are reading into this way to much.this isn't about having control or revenge no hurting someone. But obviously I came to the wrong website but I appreciate your advice.

[deleted account]

Yeah I have already added them two number up and take my word on it ain't no walk in the park. All this chatting and controversy has made me we think of my outcomes. I knew something good would have come out of this.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/13/2014

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Just so you know, changing a name costs money. Sometimes quite a bit of money. Also it may require a lawyer. Just so you know.

[deleted account]

To keep it a100 with you that little girl will do whatever I tell her to do she is so attached to as if she knew me all her life. Tell you something else your right the best way to do this is by bring it to her attention and then her make a decision for herself. whatever decision she makes it would be no hard feelings for I have to understand all aspects in the situation at hand.

Dove - posted on 12/12/2014

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Dang... you really are dense and pathetic... you are still going on about this like you are some wounded animal vs. a FATHER... grow up sweet cheeks.

Cristy - posted on 12/12/2014

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Juliet:
"What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet."

Romeo and Juliet (II, ii, 1-2)

No matter her first, middle, or last name; she is and will forever be your blood.

Cristy - posted on 12/12/2014

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I am actually in a very similar situation. I do believe it is her choice. I also believe that this shouldn't be a rushed decision, and that she deserves to make an educated decision with no pressure from either parent. It is most likely that she will not make a decision for years since it will probably take as long to truly process this situation. I think patience on all adults parts is best. I sincerely wish y'all the best, and hope you each find peace where you can.

[deleted account]

I can respect that, but do you really think that's a Charles decision to make she's 11 doubt she knows what she wants

Cristy - posted on 12/12/2014

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I believe it should be up to your daughter, and that she should be allowed time to process everything. When we have children, we must choose to acknowledge and handle their needs and wants immediately, while learning to put our own feelings, past experiences, emotions, and apprehension about the future in an internal box to deal with when it I convienent for our children.

[deleted account]

revenge! That's for little boy's love. I don't seek revenge. She had to face the fact that she had to explain all this to that little girl

[deleted account]

So wait I'm wrong for waiting her to have my last name? even though the reason she doesn't have it it's because of some other? with all due respect you do know guys are not always the bad ones right?

Jodi - posted on 12/12/2014

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No, that's not a good reason. A child is not a possession. You are reasoning as if she were.

[deleted account]

how about the fact that she's my daughter my only daughter and she would have had my last name if her mother would have not been playing these games but now I have to pay for that? All this is because of her not Cuz I wanted it to be this way I just trying to make all wrong right.

Jodi - posted on 12/12/2014

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Time to go find that lawyer. But please find better reasons to change your daughter's name.

[deleted account]

yes the ending was done that's how I know its my daughter..I'm sorry didn't understand last question

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/12/2014

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Just saw that he thought he was the father. That complicates matters. Get a lawyer.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/12/2014

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The fact that she has the step fathers name means he adopted her legally. Totally different matter. Get a lawyer.

Jodi - posted on 12/12/2014

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From your ex, or your daughter?

And have you actually had a DNA test done?

[deleted account]

that's a long story within itself. But let's just say I got an unexpected phone call one day at 3:35 a.m

[deleted account]

Now that's an adult talking to me I appreciate that I just came on this website thinking I would find some help on how to go by this I wasn't trying to start a fight or controversy.

[deleted account]

Because all this time the man thought that was his child.ya one of them things 99.9% of those scandalous things some women do.

Dove - posted on 12/12/2014

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This isn't a site for SINGLE mothers... it's a site for all mothers... all over the world... Unless we are also lawyers... in YOUR area... we can't tell you any good, legal advice because laws are different in different areas and situations in the same area are also, sometimes, different...

[deleted account]

Lol, oh boy! I know that ya are not lawyers. I just thought that do to the fact that ya are single mothers you would have expert advice on this matter. forgive me for my assumptions

Jodi - posted on 12/12/2014

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LOL, noone is taking it personally. So what if she has her stepfather's last name? That's YOUR problem to get over, not hers. You have not actually given any valid reason whatsoever to change the name of a child who has lived with the name she has for 11 years other than your own selfish reasons.

The fact that you raised the point she has her stepfather's name in your last post indicates that you DO actually have a problem with that.

It is HER name. It has been her name for 11 years. You are trying to take that away from her. Tell me again how what you are doing is right?

Dove - posted on 12/12/2014

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How does she have her stepfather's last name unless his name is illegally on the birth certificate or your rights were removed and he adopted her...?

That's a good question for you to ask your lawyer.....

Her name isn't personal to US... but it may, in fact, be extremely personal to HER... or it may not be. We've just been telling you that being a good dad has nothing to do w/ her name and that if you are going to change the name of an 11 year old child it is a crummy move to do unless you have her consent to do so....

[deleted account]

I don't know keep in mind none of this is my fault if she would have told me from day one I would have handled my responsibilities from day one it isn't my fault she was afraid to tell me. But tx for your advice truly appreciated

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/12/2014

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I actually tried to clarify the legal stuff as much as I know already. But laws are different in each state. We are not lawyers. Even if we were, legally we would not be able to give this advice to you. Get it? Go get a lawyer in your area...but I guess you won't cause that will cost money.

[deleted account]

Questions,why are you taking the fact that I want to change her name so personal? I am NOT doing that for bad intentions. maybe I forgot to mention that she has her stepfather's last name.which I have nothing against him have you been thank of him for being there in my time of absence.so now tell me what am i doing wrong again

Dove - posted on 12/12/2014

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Actually we are all listening to you, but by reading most of your posts it is apparent that you were not listening to us....

~♥Little Miss - posted on 12/12/2014

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You help from time to time? You have known this girl 6 months. Give me a break. Once again, seek a lawyers advice. Why are you being so damned stubborn? We cannot tell you legally what you owe or don't owe. You are NOT thinking about the mother and how much she has spent raising her daughter. If you were, this would not be a topic of contention for you. Do you have any idea how much diapers are? How often they need to be changed and what 1 months supply costs? nope. You don't Also that they are in them for 2+ years typically? Do the math on just that. It will be staggering. Then, factor in formula if she did not breastfeed. It is a small fortune for just that. Cloths? Hahahaha.....for the first 2 years, they grow out of them in months. Bam. Another small fortune. Shoes? FOOD??? Highchair, crib? pre-school???????

Stop complaining and trying to defend yourself. It is great that you are pretending to try. NOW try. GO GET A LAWYER!

[deleted account]

Lol I take it no one is is listening to me. I am 6 foot 4 I have very big hands I am using a cell phone to type these things in the least of my worries where to get her age correctly all I was doing was trying to get information

[deleted account]

Smh. Ok you win I just wanted to know how all that child support situation works. Its ok to put the gun down now goof lord try to do the right thing you get chewed up

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