Help-combative 17 year old

Susan - posted on 11/25/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )




I am a 46 year old woman with no children by choice. I love a 49 year old man with a 17 year old daughter and a 13 year old son he has predominate custody of. We are engaged to marry. I pay for half the expenses of running the household and therefore I am financially providing for his two kids. They have cell phones I have provided for them. Here is my problem.
He is a father to his children first and my partner second. I hate being second.
Life revolves around kid’s schedule. (not a lot of relationship time for us)
He refuses to acknowledge his daughter does not want me there and that is why she acts the way she does.
He is in total DENIAL
Her behavior exacerbates my frustration with an already bad situation and amplifies all the negative feelings I already have of being an outsider and not belonging in the house I live in. I freely admit to him that his daughter’s behavior has lead me to hate her. ( I have blown up quite a few times )
He spent too long not incorporating me into his family and acting like he and his kids are all that matter and my participation is optional. (He took them on vacation without me) amplifies my feelings that I don’t matter. After that mistake however he gave me a ring and claimed he saw the error of his ways but that initial mistake set the groundwork for his daughter’s attitude.
I live in house that is not mine with his daughter who does not want me there and views me as an outsider interfering with her relationship with Dad and a man that spoils his daughter and does not make her work (17 years old never had a job) or teach her responsibility, she gets a free pass which makes her more attitudinal.
It is almost an impossible situation. As much as I love this man with all my heart this situation becomes unbearable at times for me to cope with.
His sister acknowledges that the daughter is spoiled and says she is almost out of the house. In the meantime every time we have to go out together I am on the verge of exploding when she says a rude remark. A 46 year woman does not want a 17 year old constantly combating everything I say. When I have to go out with them I do my best to remain silent and hold my tongue I am not good at that level of self control.
The son and I have a good relationship and are generally happy together.
I love this man. What can I do?


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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 11/25/2013




First, why did you agree to marry if the kids weren't in agreement as well?

Second, just because the 17 yo doesn't have a job, doesn't mean much. I didn't want my kids getting jobs in HS unless they could keep their grades up. My (now) 19 YO is living on his own, got his first job after he graduated HS and is moving forward. So, that's not unusual, nor should he be taken to task for providing for his daughter.

You didn't need to buy her a cell phone. That was most likely your choice, an attempt to connect with her that backfired.

May I suggest family counseling, as well as individual for yourself and his daughter...

ETA: You say that he's the father of his children first, and your partner second. In that case, he's got his priorities in order. His kids were there first, his kids are not adult, and his first obligation SHOULD be to those kids.

Jennifer - posted on 11/25/2013




Talk to the Daughter openly. Many times a relationship like this exists between the parent of the same gender child during adolescence. Daughter cuddle up to daddy and fight with mom, sons fight with dad but cuddle with mom. It is a part of growing up and it looks to me like she accepts you as a mother role at minimum in her life.
Work with a family counselor will probably be helpful as the 13 year old is soon going to be challenging dad.
Don't worry parents get credit and gain knowledge again by mid 20's.
And yeah life should revolve around kids, they are only kids for a short time, then there is plenty of time of no kids for the rest of your lives.

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