HELP do i let the children go see their dad in prison

Leeann - posted on 05/11/2012 ( 14 moms have responded )

2

0

0

HELP I dont know what to do for the best I know what I want but is it fair on the children? My sister was murdrered by her husband and now he wants the children to go visit him in prison. He is serving a life sentence of 17 years and is currently in a high sercurity prison. My gut feeling is NO WAY why should he see them babies if she cant especially when it down to his actions that she isnt able to.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

[deleted account]

How old are the children now? If they're old enough, my instinct is to ask them what they want to do. If they're really little, then no, I wouldn't take them. But if they're older (like 8+) I'd ask them. Also, do they know what he did?



It also ticks me off that 17 years is a life sentence. I've always wondered why they bother calling it a life sentence if the person isn't actually going to spend the rest of their life in prison. Unless the word "life" refers to the life they took.



Leeann, I'm so sorry for what happened to your sister. If you've been left as guardian of her children, I'm sure you will do what's best for them. Just remember that, as much anger and hatred as you have for the man, for the sake of the children you may have to set that aside and let them have a say in whether they see him or not. Of course, I'm talking about if they are older children. If they're younger, like I said, I wouldn't take them. But if they're older and want to see him....if they know and understand what he did to their mother....seeing him may help them gain some sort of closure. Best of luck in your decision.



Edited to add: What we all have to remember here is that it's not about him. It's about the children. These children still may love their father, and that's ok. If they want to see him, but aren't allowed, in the long run it might make them resentful of the person who didn't let them see their father. Again, all of this is only speaking of older children who have more of an ability to understand tough things like this. And I just want to also say that in no way am I advocating visits for HIM. It's not about him.

Brittany - posted on 05/11/2012

0

0

42

Wow, what an awful situation. I'm sorry for the loss of your sister, and also the childrens mother, and father.

I can understand that a situation like this can be very difficult. My sons father was convicted of a very violent charge. I did let my son go to the jail one single time. I must say I regret doing this. He was 7 at the time, the police have to search the child, as well as you, bringing a dog around and also testing your clothing for drugs ect before you are allowed to enter the meeting room. I'm not sure about max. security but I would imagine the protocol is quite similar. My son was terrified. As soon as they started searching him I regretted bringing him there. Since this expeiriance he has shown fear of officers. I was pulled over last week for speeding (I Know bad mum ;) and while we were getting my ticket it was the most reserved I have ever seen my son. As soon as we were allowed to leave he broke into tears concerned he would lose me the same way he had lost his father to the police. (He does not know 'all' the circumstances of his arrest)

It is a very personal choice to allow the children to see there father after a situation like this. Was he mentally unstable when convicted? has he since been medicated? I agree with the other ladies that these children should be in therapy. Technically you absolutley do not have to.. but do they speak to their father? What are there veiws on what has happened? Do they want to go?

I don't think if it was my choice I would bring them there. But if you do please prepare them for what they will expeiriance, as I know it can be absolutly terrifying to children in a situation that is already very difficult.

What a wonderful thing you've done by taking these children in. Be very proud for your sacrifice for them. They will love you to peices for doing this.

Good luck to you and the children!

Sal - posted on 05/11/2012

1,816

16

34

How old are the children??? if they are old enough to make a decision? If so discuss it with a therapist who specializes In this area, and let them decide for them selves, if not you have the very difficult task to decide for them, and while your gut instincts are perfectly reasonable and I would feel exactly the same I feel that honestly the best interests of the children is the biggest issue,so seek advice from people who have this expertise, they will be able to make a judgment call that isn't biased by your personal feelings and purely on the needs of the kids.... This isn't abOut their dad as far as I can see it is about them, I personally don't feel for him
If the best thing for the kids is to never see him

Dove - posted on 05/11/2012

12,536

0

1354

If it was on a charge unrelated to killing their mother I might be inclined to say yes (depending on particular circumstances). For killing their mother though?! Hell no. They can decide if they want a relationship with him or not when he gets out. Tell him to write the kids letters if he wants and you'll keep them for the kids for when they are grown.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/11/2012

21,273

9

3058

Do you now have custody of their children?


I am so sorry for the loss of your sister, and my heart goes out to her children.

14 Comments

View replies by

Sarah - posted on 05/11/2012

1,258

14

164

Usually I read the original post before the replies before I type. I started to type than deleted it and wanted to see what everyone else had to say. Basically, I was going to say EVERYTHING that Joy had said. I think she's 100% spot on. I too am so sorry for the loss of your sister.

Sal - posted on 05/11/2012

1,816

16

34

There is no winning situation here, the only thing that is important s the long term effects on the kids and getting the best future for them. And I can't imagine how hard it would be to allow the shit. Bag to see them if experts feel that is the right path I would take them

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/11/2012

21,273

9

3058

Yes, but thinking of these children, if they are old enough to understand what the father did, it could really mess them up seeing their father in jail after murdering their mother. How horrible.

Tabitha - posted on 05/11/2012

296

10

68

I sort of agree with finding out what the kids want but I think even 8 might be too young to make that decision. They may still be too young to understand how this happened. They are also way too impressionable and will most likely believe everything he says. They should probably be seeing a therapist anyway with everything that has happened. Maybe the therapist can help you decide when it's the right time(if ever) for them to see their mother's killer.

[deleted account]

I agree with Sal about seeking advice from a therapist. No matter the age of the kids, they should all be in some sort of therapy. Sal is right in that a therapist will be able to evaluate the kids and make a non-biased opinion on what he/she thinks the kids can handle.

Alecia - posted on 05/11/2012

644

21

45

wow, i am so sorry for your loss, especially how it happened. those babies dont need to be seeing the man who couldnt control himself and murdered their mother. i hope they can have a great life despite what has happened, God bless you all.

Louise - posted on 05/11/2012

5,429

69

2322

No he has no rights to access to those kids. They do however have the right to know where there father is when they are old enough to understand. He will come looking for them when he is released and they need to be prepared for that. At some stage in their life they need to know what happend to their mother and why. They may be curious to what there dad looks like or want to know there roots. If you break it gently over the years that dad is in jail then they are prepared for when that day comes. Only you can decide when the time is right.

As to his wishes sod him, he has no rights at all.

Tabitha - posted on 05/11/2012

296

10

68

If he wasn't in prison for killing their mother, I would say yes, they have a right to know their father. But it would probably be more painful for them under these circumstances. No one should be forced to visit with their mother's murderer. I would not allow it. However, he can petition the court to force you to bring them so be ready for that. It will be free of charge for him and he's got nothing better to do with his time so it might be a nasty fight. I've seen judges force mothers to take their kids to prisons for visits but since he's there for killing their mother, they might not. Either way, I would allow NO CONTACT unless the courts force you to. No phone calls, return the letters and absolutely no visits. Poor babies, I'll be prayin for you guys.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 05/11/2012

21,273

9

3058

No. He killed their mother and he wants to see his children in a high security prison. Oh HELL NO! If he is serving 17 years, the kids will be old enough to make their own decision later on when they are adults. It makes me upset that they are calling 17 years a life sentence.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms