HELP!!!!!! EXTREMELY ANGRY!!!!!!

Karen - posted on 10/07/2013 ( 18 moms have responded )

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I am a single mom that has a ten year old daughter in 5th grade. Up until this month she has had no issues in school with any student. She is a tough,smart,athletic girl. She even plays Little League with the boys (but she is also a girlie girlie too). Last week I found out from another student that she saw my daugther and another classmate in the guildance counselors office. I knew nothing about this. When she returned home from soccer practice that day I asked her if anything happened at school today. At first she said no, then I said, "Are you sure?" Then she proceeded to tell me that her and her friend went down to guidance because another classmate put a note in her friend's locker saying, "Why are you talking to Ana when we told you not to." Two weeks prior to this incident two girls in her class stopped speaking to her for no apparent reason and started telling friends of my daugther not to speak to her either. And they listened!!!!!!!!!! This is the first thing that makes me sooooo angry. Why on earth would not one of her friends think for themselves and say, "Ana is my friend, if you have an issue with her its not my business." So at recess my daughter sat on the bleacher by herself and cried. When they all saw she was crying they came over to her and asked why she was crying and that they didn't do anything to hurt her. My daughter said ,"Well I asked you several times why you aren't speaking to me and no one will tell me." So one of the girls said, "Oh because someone touched my locker combination and I thought it was you." Which was an utterly ridiculous reason to stop talking to her and get others to do the same. And the only reason they came over to begin with is that they didnt' want to get in trouble by the lunch monitor as to why my daugther was crying. So apparently they all made up. (or so I thought) Now again two weeks later one of the same girls and a different girl in the class stopped speaking to my daughter again. Only this time one of them put the note I spoke of earlier in another students locker. This is when my daughter made a decision to go to guidance. After a week long investigation by the counselor and teachers no one can tell me why this happened. None of the girls involved was able to say why it started to begin with. And to my knowledge no one got any kind of punishment for what they did. The guidance counselor was calling it a conflict. There was no conflict that needed meditiation. It was just pure mean girl bullying done for no apparent reasoning. The issue I am having is that the three of the girls that were involved I were girls that my daugther and I thought were her friends. I have had them over my house,sleepovers, invited them to parites,and pretty friendly with their parent. I am soooo angry that them for treating my daughter that way and just can't understand why not one of them stuck up for her. And this girls have the nerve to run up to me and my daughter's dad when we pick her up from aftercare and give us hugs. I don't want to talk to them or their parents because I am so angry..One parent I made aware that her daugther was involved because she also ignored my daughter when someone in the group told her not to talk to her. The funny thing about this is that all the girls are more on the quiet less agressive side, while my daugther has no problem sticking up for herself, so why they decided to pick on the strong one is beyond me. I just don't know how to stop being so angry at what they did! And what do I say to my daughter now she feels she can't trust any of those girls and I feel that they are not real friends if they went along with what one person told them to do.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/07/2013

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Welcome to the world of kids growing up.

Help your daughter to be strong, but explain that she cannot control other's actions, nor should other's actions control her.

If certain people don't want to talk to her, encourage her to make other friends, and let the rude ones see how much fun she's having with other kids.

No, they couldn't give a reason as to why they did this, because there was no reason. One morning, one girl woke up and decided she didn't want to talk to your daughter, and at that age, it's all about popularity. If you want to hang out with certain kids, you do what they want you to do to hang with them, whether its right or not.

Your daughter needs to adopt an "oh well" attitude towards those types of people. Soon enough real friends will emerge, but don't expect those friendships to last a lifetime either.

Don't forget what it was like when YOU were in school at those ages. The drama starts about 4th grade...and doesn't seem to end.

Helen - posted on 10/08/2013

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For every bully and for every victim of bullying, there is a classroom full of children who decide, out of fear or some degree of vicarious pleasure, to allow it to happen.
We should be working on making the children stronger and more confident about doing what is right and teach them how to do it. In the classroom, books and play acting are good means of teaching and practising being a good friend and ways to prevent others from being hurt. That leaves bullies with no accomplices.

When my daughter, age 11, told me about a child who was being bullied and that she was afraid the bully and her mates might turn on her if she intervened. I told her to say, " Actually I like her," whenever something mean was said. This went even better than I'd hoped. In just a few days a lot of others were saying the same thing! It took the wind out of the bully's sail! The majority of the girls just needed to know what to do.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/07/2013

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Actually, "queen", I've had similar talks with parents of rude little buggars, and NEVER has it come back against my kids.

However, I have taught mine that whoever pulls that shit with them isn't worth the time of day to begin with, to make other friends, and let the rude little shits see how much fun you're having WITHOUT them. Then, when the little buggars come back and want to be friends, I have taught my kids to make their own decisions, but if they decide to give the friendship another chance, to let that kid know that it's only by the goodness of my kids heart that they're being allowed to hang out together again.

Works like a charm. The rude little buggars get put in their place, and find out how it feels to be left out, all without my kid making one move, other than befriending another (usually better) person.

Its the same way I dealt with it when growing up, and the new friends I made were almost always better people, in both character and action, than the old "friends" that dumped me.

You get rid of a lot of baggage that way!

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/07/2013

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You don't have to say anything to them, you don't even have to acknowledge them. When they want hugs, you say "no, thanks", and leave it at that. If their parents complain, then tell them what happened between the girls, and that you aren't comfortable with hugging people who can be that rude to each other.

18 Comments

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Laurie - posted on 10/09/2013

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You don't have to say anything to them, you don't even have to acknowledge them. If their parents complain, then tell them what happened between the girls, and try to resolve the problems.

Karen - posted on 10/09/2013

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Hi Helen,

Yes you hit the nail on the head. The children should have been taught what to do at home. If they aren't taught at home too it doesn't really stick with them. These kids could care less about hearing lectures from the guidance on antibullying week. They have been hearing it since they were in 3rd grade. I place part of the blame on the parents because their childern were not taught how to respect other children's feelings. My daugther knows not to bully others, she wasn't raised that way. If she has an issue with someone she states it to them directly and doesn't get other people who have nothing to do with them involved. I didn't expect students that were not close to her to jump in but I expected kids that she thought were her close friends to say if you have a problem with her that's not my problem she's my find. They aren't babies and they knew darn well what they were doing was wrong. They even went so far as to start talking about "Bob" outloud real loud at the lunchtable instead of using my daugther's name. They said isn't Bob stupid,retarded, and ugly!" Which she is none of those things! So they knew enough not to use her name outloud. Right there at the table she questioned them one by one and said, "Whose Bob? Bob is me right?" They all denied it , but later one of them told them that the girls were referring to her and told her who made that plan up. I don't think guidance thinks she is a victim because she sticks up for herself and seems tough. Doesn't mean she is not a victim of their bullying does it? I think not. She shouldn't have to put up with their antics.

Queen Of My - posted on 10/08/2013

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Karen, I am glad you are feeling better. I think your daughter sounds really mature and am sure she will grow from this experience!

I would be really upset with the school to. I feel like any time a child is pulled into the guidance councilors office, parents should be notified. That should be a standard. It sounds like you have some good support from the teachers though:) God bless good teachers! They have such a strenuous job!
Shawnn, I know you never said that - if you reread my post, you will see that I specifically said "I am not saying you do this or are teaching your kids to, it just needs to be said". I wasn't trying to be brass or offend you :) sorry!

Karen - posted on 10/08/2013

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Shawnn,

I think Queen said that because that was what she experienced as a child. Thanks for the support I felt alot better after you responded and took your advice. Karen

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 10/08/2013

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Oh my...LOL..Never did I say "make friends with new people so that you can drop them when the old come back."

I believe that I said the new friends will usually be better people in both character and action than the old, and that if the old DO want to come back, it's up to you (or the kid in the situation) to determine whether the old 'friends' are really worth the trouble. Usually they aren't and it's no loss.

I never said "dump the new ones when the old ones come back...:"

Karen - posted on 10/08/2013

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Thanks for your repsonse Queen. I told my daughter to look around and see what other kids seem to be alone or shy or no one wants to play with and go make friends with them. Because that type of child that would probably treasure a friendship since they know what it feels like to be left out. My daughter was taught how to treat others and knows not to hurt other kids feeling or go along with others the way these girls she thought were her friends did. She told all of them in the guidance office that if you had a problem with me you should have come to me. No one else needed to be involved. I place part of the blame on the parents. All of their parents were called last week about their behavior and not one child apoligized to my daughter. If my daughter put a note in another student's locker like that I would have made her write another note to the student apologizing for what she did. If the parents don't care the you can't expect the kids to care. Same thing with the one mom I texted that said she would talk to her daugther. Not another word from her, not even just I spoke to my daugther. I just have a hard time understanding how people conduct themselves morally these days. I wouldn't be so angry if these were just random classmates but some of these girls were her close friends. I told my daughter that I was proud of her for seeking out help and to always let me and or someone if this happens again. I told her that these girls are no better than her and that for her to never "beg" them to say hi or talk or play with her. It's their loss. I told her to go off and do something else whether it be with someone else or by herself. These girls will only do this to another person they are followers not leaders. I was never bullied and Kiara is an only child so this is my first time experiencing this. Not fun,not happy with the way the school handled it. I was supposed to be informed the same day they were aware of the incident and was not. I found out by accident through another student. Honestly, I don't think they were going to do anything about it until I got wind of it because neither one of her teachers was told what was going on either, but they did see them get pulled out of lunch by the counselor because one of them had lunch duty. So they were annoyed to. And one of them barged into the guidance office to ask where her students were and what was going on! Smh guess that's part of my anger about this situation also

Queen Of My - posted on 10/07/2013

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That's a good point. Just make sure the new friends don't get dropped when the old ones come back. Using people to make someone jealous isn't the right message either. (Not that I think that's what you do or are teaching your kids to do - it just needs to be said). Being the nice girl that always got used and dropped - and used again and dropped again - it's not a good feeling. And no matter who you hang with from about 10 to 14 - girls are ruthless! She will see this again with her new friends too! It happens.

Queen Of My - posted on 10/07/2013

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Hi Karen - I am not saying this to be mean or disrespectful but I really think you are over reacting! I know it's so hard to not want to fix everything for your children but this is a part of growing and learning that every girl must go through. Being on the outside teaches you how it feels and how you should treat people.

I personally went through stuff like this everyday from grade 5 to the end of grade 9. Then I watched my much more shy and introverted sister go through it. Then I watched my youngest sister go through it. Hers was the worst, she was actually getting death threats sent to our house because she was the one girl who stood up to the group of girls that wanted to exclude a girl who wouldn't grow past 4 ft.

It's really sad and hard to deal with but it makes you a better person. I have younger children that haven't reached that stage but I am sure it is very difficult to watch your daughter be caused this pain intentionally. It will blow over though so don't do anything to these girls that they will hold against her when they do become friends again.
As for hugs - don't! Why would you? Tell them they're actions have hurt your daughter and she is your number 1. No hugs until they work things out!
Finally - in regards to your daughter, I completely agree with Shawnn! You must teach her coping skills and use this hard lesson to teach her that you cannot control others actions but you can control your reaction.
Sorry this is so hard for you ~ xx
Know that girls are fickle and as easy as this came on, it will go away too - as long as you don't make it a bigger deal than it is!

Karen - posted on 10/07/2013

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And the one parent that I informed that her daughter was one of the "friends" that chose to ignore Ana responded that she was suprised to hear that her daugther went along with those girls, and that she was very disappointed and that she would talk to her daugther that night. I never hear another thing about it from her. Like if that were me I would have said, "I spoke to my daughter, etc.etc." And I would have made sure my daughter apologized to her friend for acting that way. Now when I see this woman at soccer I feel very resentful that she did not apoligize to me or make her daugther apologize. One of these girl even had the nerve to tell the counselor that when they saw how upset my daughter got they didn't want to be part of it anymore and that they were going to apologize to her. Not one girl apologized...what a surprise. I teach my daughter not be mean to others, she goes out of her way to make someone who is left out or doesn't have a partner for someting to feel welcome. I teach her empathy and these parents are teaching what???? I told her to find other friends. I told her go talk to someone you see alone that no one else want to play with because they are probably the one who will turn out to be a good friend cause they will treasure a friendship since they are alone. Thanks for responding. My mom and sister(who has no kids) tell me to not let it bother me and there is more to come. I know that and I really don't need to her that, kinda of unsupportive if you ask me. Them saying that irritates me even more. I know that already that doesn't make it hurt any less. How do they not get that when your child hurts you hurt.

Karen - posted on 10/07/2013

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Thanks Shawnn,

My daughter SAYS it doesn't bother her but it must have if she went to guidance to begin with. She has no problem putting kids in their place, actually people no not to mess with her, that's what I find so interesting about this, is the the girls who did this are more on the meek side. And I think my daughter didn't say anything to them because she was shocked that all of her friends listened to this one girl who is not really her friend. My issue is I can't stop being sooo very angry at this girls its really bothering me and I don't know how to stop letting it consume me. When I see these girls I want to say something nasty to them but I know I can't. And it makes me sick to my stomach to have to act "nice" to them as to not isolate my daughter.

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