Help! Family falling apart

Nicole - posted on 11/14/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )




My SO is a very good guy. He loves kids & I thought we should have a lo before the marriage so we can plan a wedding. I was worried about the extra risk from older age. . To my understanding he was gonna buy a home, try for a lo & then get married.

A little extra important details... I have another ds who's about to turn 7. His father is in his life but not as a usual dad is. So he sees his dad but his dad doesn't get involved in his life because his new wife never wanted kids. My parents helped me raise ds while his dad wasn't around. Which was the 1st 2 to 3 years. So I've been pretty much mom & dad to him. I left his dad due to temper issues when he was 2 weeks old.
My SO is my other ds's dad. He's really caring, living, he's a guy most girls wish they could find. He worked at the same place since he got out of high school. But he was 30 & still living with his parents. He has a truck where the note is $800 a month & he's a bar rat. Meaning his "second home" is a bar. It's not because he's an alcoholic & I really don't fully understand why people are bar rats. It makes sense if your single, a good way to avoid being home. But he's taken it to another level. His gf before me was the daughter of the bars other owner & before that he was in engaged in long around 6 year relationship that ended because he got a DWI & she didn't want him bailed out of jail. Also I think she was close with another guy that she is now married to. && anytime we fight about the bar, he says I met him in a bar & he'll always go so if I have a problem with it... Pretty much says if I make him pick bar or family, he'll pick bar.
His family, the way he was raised is very different from me. My parents, us kids are all that matter. My dad, there's nothing he won't do for his family. When my 1st ds was born, he had bad colic. My dad was already supporting my son & I working long hours but he would still take time with ds so my mom & I could sleep & function. Idk how my dad does it. Idk if that's why i think my SO is lazy or what. My SO's dad was a drunk when he was young. Now he takes care of them. Not medically but financially, he has 2 brothers but he's the only 1 that they call to fix whatever. I admire his devotion to his family but idk what to think about our relationship, our home, & boys. I've been disappointed with the way the relationship between him & my oldest ds. Before we moved in together, he would do things with him. I thought ds would finally have that dad role model he needs but now he is still nice to ds but not like I expected.
I am a SAHM but I'm also on disability due to bipolar, fibromyalgia, carpel tunnel that is really bad. Need to have surgery but I'm pushing it off till this summer. I'm also having issues with nerves in my neck. Going see a dr about getting shots to help that pain. While I was pregnant, to stay off my meds, I couldn't do much housework otherwise I'd risk hurting myself. Well my SO spent most of those 9 mths at the bar. The house got so icky. I had. To fight to get the nursery done. I purchased everything for our lo so with my Lil disability check couldn't cover the stuff. I maxed out all my credit cards.
Well here we are a year later & idk what else to do. Our relationship is 2 ppl living together. My SO wants me to spend more time with him (he wants sex) but even at times like this weekend, i went to the bar Sat night for an old friends b-day party. He was there from bout 3pm till it closed. So I fell behind in house work. && lo sticks to Me like glue after he spends a night away from home.

All that said...
My SO goes to work, does stuff for his friends, shoots darts every thurs night at the bar, or just goes to the bar. When he's home he's either on the recliner watching TV or sleeping or on his phone. (Doing whatever, I've caught & kno he talks to other girls on a. Constant basis but will never tell me who) I've found convos with his ex's, he meets new girls online as friends. He swears he's not a chester but I think when were having big problems he has someone he turns to. Idt it's physical but emotions for another is just as bad. But he won't stop. & i figured I'd go crazy if I didn't let it be. Only place he'll go out is to the bar. He blames me for everything & apparently I'm full of excuses. Idk how to manage finances....

Currently I'm trying to plan a b-day party for both the boys the weekend before thanksgiving, he has yet to assist me with anything. So with everything that needs to be done & his disregArd for it I'm frozen in panic. In a few days he'll have stuff planned out with ease but we're not his priority. He expects me to help ds with homework while lo is running a muck. If he's home & sees it, he'll just he aggravated from everything in the living room.
I'm not your typical person. I have health issues. He expects me to care for lo, do as I should with ds, do everything in the house (except cook, he does that) leaves the mess for me to pick up. & wants me to be lovey dovy with him.... Am I just not cut out for this? Lo is cared for but deserves more. Ds deserves some free time just me& him, I can hardly help ds with homework much less just have fun with him. The house isn't icky but messy. Trying to clean most things with a lo, well y'all kno it's almost impossible. I go so non stop i hardly find time to bath.
Idk what fathers do with kids help moms have free time to take care of stuff. I want my boys to have the mom they deserve & a clean house & me & SO should still have quality time. How so y'all do it? Is it me? Am I expecting to much of my SO? Every weekend I ask him to do 2 things, simple things that can be done quickly & some weekends he doesn't do anything. I don't want my family to split but if things don't change, idk how much longer we'll last. LO deserves a clean house & ds deserves a mom that can hell him when he needs it without lo running around. But SO thinks he works so I do everything else like most SAHMs but my disabilities limit me & I contribute financially just like a workin partner. Help me please. advice,opinions, experiences anything so I can do something other than feel hopeless

Thank you


View replies by

Michelle - posted on 11/14/2013




Have a look at what you have written.
If he was someone that every girl would want do you really think there would be so much to "complain" about?
Your last paragraph asks if it's you, absolutely NOT!!!! My husband would always help around the house and with the children, even when I was a SAHM. My husband never expected a spotless house, he expected fed and happy children!!
Your husband has no right to make you feel hopeless, he should be supporting you and making you feel like a princess. That's how my husband makes me feel. He's always telling me how much he loves me, not how messy the house is.
He's always telling me that he loves spending time with myself and the children rather than spending it at the bar!
I think you need to seriously think about how you want to live your life. Do you want to spend it arguing with your husband or would rather be happy?
Do you really want to bring another child into an unhappy house?
Do you really want to marry someone who would choose the bar over a family!!!!!!!
This last question is the main one, please think long and hard about it.

Jodi - posted on 11/14/2013




Um, wow. I don't even know where to start. So I'll start with your very first sentence.

Your SO is NOT really a very good guy. Sorry, you can be as delusional as you like about it. If I read correctly (hard to read when you don't have paragraphs and punctuation, etc) you stated that this man is " a guy most girls wish they could find. " Um, no.

I'm confused as to why you thought you could change him. Because that is essentially what you are expecting. Anyone going into a relationship thinking someone will change just because you decide to have a child is absolutely kidding themselves. Why on earth did you have a child with this man? A man who clearly had no intention of marrying you first? You knew what his priorities were! And if you didn't know any of this about him, all these things that HAVEN'T changed, then you really didn't know him well enough to have a child with him.

I know my comments don't help you now, and really aren't answering your question, but I felt maybe someone needed to point out to you that he really isn't the man of anyone's dreams.

With regard to what you can do to help give you more time to be happy, maybe the two of you could attend some counselling to discuss your concerns and come to some sort of agreement. Sometimes it helps having a mediator when discussing these things, especially as they are able to help put some different perspectives forward.

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