help ….feeling overwhelmed

Katrina - posted on 06/03/2015 ( 4 moms have responded )

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Hi ,i Have a 23 year old bad tempered ,abusive daughter ……that doesn't work , been sacked 5 times due to lack of working ethics ……lazy ……doesn't seem to fit in fights with everyone , family ,friends its always everyone else fault but hers …….I want her out of the house , I'm worn out with her as soon as i try to talk she starts screamings at me …..I kicked her out before and she's lived with her dad , but sure enough with in a couple of months she's back no where to go …no boyfriend nothing …so i take her back as i can't bear to think of her on the street , but within a couple of months she's back to being her rude self , she pays no rent as I've asked for $40 a week, doesn't do her washing , or clean her room…..when approached she just yells so much , and threatens she's going to kill herself over and over ….im at the stage i really can't take anymore …I'm remarried with a 10 year old girl and she doesn't need to see this behaviour, my husband now wants her out he's worried one day she'll stab me …..im scared too but how do u throw someone out thats got no where to go or no money ??? I've suggested therapy , she went 2 to shut me up , and when the therapist told her things she didn't like she refused to go anymore ..help ...

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Elizabeth - posted on 06/03/2015

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I keep coming back to this post for some reason.
It's got to be a lot more than "entitlement". I'm curious what's driving her actions and behaviors? She's suicidal and super depressed and angry. What's wrong? What hurts?

Cynthia - posted on 06/03/2015

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I have to agree with Raye's train of thought - make sure it is in writing. There are too many children out there today that I call the "Entitled Generation". They believe that the world owes them something (actually EVERYTHING) and that they shouldn't have to work for it. Your daughter is part of that group.

As hard as you may find it, you need to take a firm stand. By allowing her to continue this way, you are only enabling the behavior and it will only continue and eventually get worse. Your husband and your 10 year old daughter deserve their time with you as a family unit in a healthy, supportive atmosphere. If your 23-year-old cannot allow herself to be part of that in a constructive way, then she will need to take her leave and live the life that she wants on her own terms - paying for HERSELF it as she goes along.

You have raised her to adulthood, it is time to make sure that she spreads her wings and flies.

Good luck.

Raye - posted on 06/03/2015

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Your daughter is an adult, but she is not acting like one. You need to make her aware that her behavior is her responsibility, and she is directly responsible for her circumstances. My advice is to write up a lease agreement that she must sign, or she's out. She must abide by the terms of the agreement or she's out. Then it's HER decision to be an adult and be responsible and continue to have a place to live, or not.

The agreement should be fairly black and white, with as few gray areas as possible so neither one of you can "interpret" something in her/your favor. She needs to understand exactly what will get her thrown out, and you can't just change the rules if you're mad about something not covered by the agreement (although you can write a new clause that will be effective for the next time). So, it should include: Rent, keeping common areas clear of her mess, no drugs, no cussing, no violence, and whatever else you believe is a "must" for her to continue under your roof. Not keeping her room clean or her laundry clean is not the landlord's problem unless it creates a bug problem or is otherwise detrimental to the other inhabitants of the house. If she wants to live in filth, then that's her choice.

I also suggest having a demerit or strike system. She gets reminders or verbal warnings for minor infractions (leaving a mess in the living room, cussing, etc.), 5 reminders (strikes) for the same thing and she gets a written warning. Written warnings should be for accumulated verbal warnings, or immediately upon major infractions (non-payment of rent, violence of any kind, etc.) and 3 written warnings result in eviction. If she exhibits any severe behavior where she injures someone, etc. then that is a call to the police and immediate eviction. If you wish, you can also have a system where she can void a written warning by doing something especially helpful, but it would have to be something where you would see some improvement almost immediately, and possibly extended over a set amount of time (example: mow the lawn and weed the flower beds for a month).

There is nothing you should feel bad about if you have given her every opportunity and she refuses to make responsible decisions. They are HER decisions, and she will have to live with the consequences. You can't let her destroy your homelife and marriage and bring you down with her. It's heartbreaking, but sometimes you have to let go.

Anna - posted on 06/03/2015

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Hi Katrina, sorry I cannot help as my daughter is only 6 but the behaviour you described fits in with FASD symptoms. I keep reading on FAS as we are planning to adopt a child with FAS therefore your post drew my attention. Hope somebody will be able to give you good advice though, I do feel for you, it must be heartbreaking!

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