help for step children

Tammie - posted on 05/23/2014 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My husband and I have been married for 2 years, been together for 3 and a half. I have a 6 year old daughter from previous relationship, he has a 12 year old son from previous relationship. The problem is his son is rude and mean to my daughter. He is constantly telling on her for small things, gets angry if she sets near him, he tells her not to make noise if he is watching tv or playing a game. He has told his mother that he doesn't like my daughter. He told my husband about a year ago that he wanted it to just be them two again., he is at our house every other weekend and two evenings a week. it is obvious that he doesn't like my daughter, and it is difficult for me to be nice to him or to have a conversation with him. He told my husband(which made my husband cry) that he doesn't want to come to our house because of my daughter. it is making it so difficult for me to like him. My daughter keeps trying to be his friend, will ask him to play games with her, always makes sure she hugs him bye, which he does because his dad makes him.
This causes arguments between my husband and I. he is afraid I may end up leaving him. His son(before I came in to the picture) was a coddled, spoiled child, getting everything he wanted and had everything done for him, he said when they went somewhere, what they ate and so on.
it is clear that he is jealous that my daughter and I have his dad's time and attention and affection though my husband still shows him love as well, he is not neglected.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Monday I am spending the day at my mother's with my daughter because I don't want her subjected to him while he is at our house.
anyone else ever face anything like this? One of things that bother me most is that my daughter keeps trying...it's like she doesn't understand that he doesn't like her. she says that "he is being mean".

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Ev - posted on 05/26/2014

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I would say it is time for family counseling and I mean the whole family. Some outside for the boy might be also necessary.

Tammie - posted on 05/26/2014

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I do want to add that my step sons life changed dramatically when I married his dad in more than just the obvious way. my husband's parenting skills at that point were not very good. he allowed his son to dictate what they did, if he wanted to play on the play station for hours at a time, he was allowed to, they always ate out when he had him. when he wanted a drink, his dad went and got it for him. his mom was just as bad, they weren't teaching him independence or responsibility. all of that has changed in our home now. kids know how to manipulate and at times I'm afraid he may try to harm my daughter. one evening my husband was in the shower, I was in another room and the kids were in the living room, I heard him tell my daughter if she didn't move off the sofa so he could sit down that he would push her off and if she got hurt, it would be her fault because he warned her. another time I watched him stomp her foot, he denied it and cried so my husband said maybe it was an accident. another time he was playing a game on play station, and my daughter walked in front of him and said something and he snapped at her so I told him to turn the game off, quietly he says I wish I had a real gun. my husband was in the shower at this time, when he asked his son, he denied saying it so nothing happened other than being punished from playing games. That is something that causes arguments between my husband and I, he believes whatever his son tells him, thinking I see things or hear things wrong. my husband and I have a wonderful marriage outside of this issue but this issue is becoming bigger than the wonderfulness.

Ev - posted on 05/26/2014

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You never mentioned the baby talk before. And he could be doing that on purpose to gain attention. As for treatment, he does need to learn to be at least polite to her at times but you can not expect it all the time. You also still need to consider that in these situations the kids always suffer most and sometimes they act out in ways we as adults find below their age but its the way this child is saying he does not like the situation but he has to learn to deal with it eventually. My kids both did not want me and their dad to be apart but when I told my then 12 year old daughter it was going to be a cold day in hell before her dad would even come back to me, she got the point. The point is the kids suffer the most in all angles of this even blending a family. They do not get to make the choices and have to deal with what is brought into their lives.

Tammie - posted on 05/26/2014

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thank you both, I understand what you're saying about him bring able to talk about his mom, he still does however now its in a different way and doesn't bother me like it did before. I know before it was to get to me or his acting out because he didn't like the situation of me b eing around. his mother had been in a relationship before my husband and her were divorced. We are discussing counseling. Back to taking about his mother, hewasn't told he couldn't ever talk about her, he was told he shouldn't do it so much in front of me because my husband said he didn't talk about them as a family when I wa snt there. he is 12 and even my husband acknowledges that he doesn't act his age, he speaks in Baby talk a lot, yet he's not around babies to even pick that up. he may never like my daughter and that's ok with me to an extent , it's the treatment that bothers me.

Ev - posted on 05/25/2014

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This is going to sound harsh but its true. My own kids have had two step families in their lives. It has not been easy to blend them either. The first time did not last long but the second one has lasted 9 years but its not been good either. You have to understand that even though you have known this boy for three years, its hard on him. His world was changed when his parents no longer were together. He did not understand that then and most likely does not understand why now. Then add in yourself and a step sibling. It takes time to blend a family with success. By having his dad tell him to not talk about his mom while at your home is not fair to the boy. He and his dad have memories of being with her during certain things in their time together. By asking the boy to leave it out of your home is like telling him that part of his life did not exist. He needs to be able to talk about that time. It might help him cope with this new family life. I can understand that you do not want to hear it but until this boy grows up and leave the home, his mother is in the picture like it or not. My daughter's step mom did not like it when she selected some photos of herself for Senior Sunday slide show at the church her step mom and dad attended. Some shots had me in it with her and her dad when she was very little. Her step mom was floored but it was my daughter's time not hers. Anything to do with this boy's mom is part of his life and will be. Are you going to make him not say anything about his mother ever around you? He is going to resent that particular thing with you because its his mom and she is still there. As for how he treats the step sister; not all step silbings get along at all. My kids did not get along with their step sisters from the first step mom. And they sort of got along with the second set of step sibs they got now. It just sounds like you are expecting this kid not to talk about the past because it bugs you but his mom is still around and you can not do much about that.

Michelle - posted on 05/25/2014

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It's a hard situation because of the age gap between the children. Most 12yo boys don't want to be doing the same things as a 6yo girl, even if they are siblings.
He's also probably feeling upset that he realizes that his parents won't be getting back together. It can be very hard for pre teens to accept.
Have you discussed family counseling? It could give him an avenue to voice his feeling without being told they don't matter. He's acting out because he's being told that he just has to accept the situation.

Tammie - posted on 05/25/2014

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I have known this boy for over three years. in the beginning I didn't notice it so much but looking back now there were signs from the beginning. he was constantly talking about his dad and mom and things they did together until , I told my husband I didn't want to hear it and he told him to stop talking about it. he never joined in with us when we'd do things together like pla ying out in the yard, he'd stay inside and would cry and sulk when I'd have my husband make him come out and join us. I guess I thought he'd get used to me and my daughter being in the house. I am not mean to him but I am growing increasingly short with him because of his attitude with my daughter. my husband is having another talk with him tomorrow about it. last year we changed my daughter's last name to ours and the first thing his son asked was if he adopted her yet ( which we plan on doing). I need advice on how to handle this situation thatisquickly becoming a crisis in my marriage.

Ev - posted on 05/23/2014

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What was your relationship like with the boy when you first met him and how long have you actually known the boy? How did he take it when he was told of you two getting married? How did he react to your daughter at that time when first meeting and in the progress of getting to know her and you.

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