help! got engaged last week and fiance now thinks I'm to be hone with dinner cooked

Sarah - posted on 04/01/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I got engaged last week. I noticed tonight my fiance was I'll because I didn't pick his daughter up! He thinks my daughter and his should become a unit and mine should take his everywhere she goes. His is socially backwards and mine doesn't want to take her everywhere.

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Christine - posted on 04/01/2014

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If you can envisage this for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.... stay where you are.... IF YOU CAN'T ..... end it

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Christine - posted on 04/01/2014

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Rebekah, I think your comment is very good advice.... the only thing that bothers me is that Sarah is being treated like a subservient person & they aren't even wed yet.
I such things as "counselling" needs to be addressed at such an early stage in the relationship... my gut is saying "this man won't change"

I saw our poor eldest daughter.... the minute that wedding ring was on her finger.... voila! he changed into a bossy, controlling, insulting & assaulting wife manipulator .... she was lucky, she had no kids, she got out!

She is now happily married with twin daughters to a man who respects her, loves her and is a team with her.

Rebekah - posted on 04/01/2014

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You and your fiancé have a lot of communicating to do before you get married. Are you already living together? Have you been sharing household/childcare responsibilities up to this point--and if so, have expectations changed? Talk about both of your visions of what married life will be like and find where there is room to compromise. I don't know if you are involved with a church, but often times before clergy will marry a couple, they can do some sessions of premarital counseling that really help to bring up any other topics that you haven't yet talked about to be sure you are compatible and crystal clear on what your partner wants/needs/expects... whether its household responsibilities, gender roles, views on money, religion, parenting styles, and if there are to be more children... etc. So much to talk about before making it official. If you aren't connected to a church, you could get premarital counseling anyway just for the health of your relationship.

How old are your respective daughters? Your daughter shouldn't have to be completely responsible for including his daughter, or for integrating her into social situations. If there are times that she can, great. You are becoming a blended family, so you (including daughters) will all have to sort out what that means. There is something to becoming a family unit and sticking up for each other, though pushing two girls to be joined at the hip without their investment in it is probably not going to instill any warm feelings on either part. I don't know what kind of relationship they have so far, or if they will both be living with you guys a significant amount of time, but that "sister" relationship needs time to develop... it can't be forced. Your daughter may need some coaching to help understand ways to be helpful to his daughter, but I don't think its wise to force anything. Hopefully over time, your daughter will on her own feel inclined to include her. In the meantime, his daughter's parents need to keep working with her to help her socially (or get counseling, if it is severe enough).

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