Onenoono - posted on 05/30/2014 ( 2 moms have responded )
Just yesterday I confronted my husband for the it feels like 100th time for the truth, 4 months into our relationship, we were living together, i was pregnant to him and a full time carer to his two very young sons from his previous marriage while he was deploying back and forward, at this time he was in another country. In july (3 months later) he had got a text from a 19 year old girl (my friends found this out because they called the number) "kisses miss you keep in touch" with her email, i asked him, hey whats this about. he FREAKED. i of course being hormonal and pregnant and having doubts because i had found him still on about 4 dating sites, and with MILLIONS of girls emails and fbs, i asked him hey, if something honestly just tell me, i understand you probably freaked out new relationship, pregnant its alot to handle but you know i became an instant mother to your two boys 24/7 in a foreign country, its not like i am having a vacation either here. he denied it said they met at a bar and his buddy gave his number. I saw his buddy a week later who saw me and RAN, who usually was like a brother, i followed him and asked…did i do something wrong?? whats up? he couldn't make eye contact, i was like man whats UP. i immediately realized, "you were with him weren't you. what happened?" he choked up and replied "I'm sorry, i wanted her, but he took her" ……speechless i stood there, with his two little boys (who i had play while we talked), as he explained what had happened. i still couldn't believe it. he begged me not to tell him what he said. he gave me the girls name on fb to back up the story. i asked why he wouldn't just cover for him, he said, because we all know how much you do for him and we are tired of seeing this s$%." i was so humiliated. so i emailed the girl a nice emial just to clarify, she emailed back and then called me, they had go out danced, got wasted, next day met up for coffee and spent the day together getting ice cream. 30 yr and a 19 yr old. hmmm. so i confronted him again. he denied it. swore on EVERYTHING it was all lies. this went on for 2.5 yrs. in the duration i would find emails, texts, Skype logs with Skype calls and messages on a secret Skype account just for these girls, the same times he would messaging me and his kids, he would on to them. every time he went away for a trip. even posting up on PUA sites bragging about sleeping with girls. the same time he had ordered my engagement ring and our baby shower was planned he was still going out, picking up chicks. everyone would tell me, i would ask him hey i just want the truth, i can move past this if i know i can count on you telling me the truth, if you f$%d up, fine, it happens but i need to know i can count on you and what you say. FAST FORWARD…. 2.5 yrs later, we have been married 2 years, and have another child, so yes i am a mother of four who are my entire life. So things are great it seems, every now and then something pops up from the past, but we push it to the side as we have worked through my trust issues as we have had deep talks about what he was like before we got married. he swore… NOTHING physical every happened. every single time, he swore. so i believed him, and was like okay. I'm here for you, i know it was hard the first year but we got through it. its a pretty unusual situation. so he comes back from another deployment… i start getting strange fb messages again, i just shrug it off. then while on Skype setting up our sons account to Skype their grandma, i search for me, to add, for all the family. another Skype pops up with my husbands details. i confront him. he denies its his. swears to god for 2 hrs that he would NEVER lie to me, its not his. so… i walk to his bags, pull out his computer, and sign on…right there in the Skype application already logged is….THAT very Skype account. he gets home, i tell him i know. he denys it. denys it. finally i show him. and he responds… i can't remember the last time i used that. i have so many i can't remember. it is mine, but its for my work. I'm in the military and i need it for work. so…. being respectful and at that point where i believe we have worked through the trust issues i am like …okay no pobrlem. i respect that its work. and leave it alone. of course a few days later, curiosity gets best of me, and i log onto it, remembering his old password. it has not one single thing about work, its the old hookup Skype for girls. its not the point of what it was, and what he did BEFORE our married…he lied to my face NOW that we are married. I feel betrayed. so ….yesterday he comes home. I say.. hey so that Skype, and he said omg i have told you its not mine… i show him the pictures of the entire Skype log. he almost dies. without being upset i just say, okay if you can lie to me about this, what else can you lie to me about. i dont care what happened in the past, i just want the truth I've begged you for 2.5 yrs and you have made me think I'm going crazy.
he sits there, tears rolling down his cheeks, shaking, "i haven't done ANYTHING since we have been married, but i did f$%k at least one girl in *******, and i kissed the girl you called, well that i can remember it was one i can't tell you exactly how many i can't remember, but i have never been physical with anyone but you again and i ve been faithful since we have been married but yes i used that Skype to meet up and see girls"
finally i get the truth, i feel like a weight has been lifted. but what now, i feel numb. he keep saying it shouldn't matter it was before we were married. but if i had of done that he would have dumped me on the street. i do not know where to go from here. he's lied SO much, he even admitted he has told me so many lies he can't remember which are truth and doesn't want to open up any more drama. he cannot tell me if there are other things that happened before we were married because he can't remember, he can't guarantee more stuff will come up. but he can guarantee that when he goes away again this won't happen, that he's changed and tried to be a better man and he knows he doesn't deserve me but he wants to go to counseling and make it work.
im so confused. if he can lie to me SO long, what is going to stop him now. the lies on lies. i have given him so many chances and I'm exhausted. this has defined and been the foundation of our relationship. you can't just snap your fingers and fix this, which is what he wants. i dont know if i can ever touch him again, its one thing to cheat but to lie to me for so long. i just dont know. any advice?
honestly, i need to clarify a few things. i really should have mentioned before, I'm not sure if it will make a difference. i was pretty upset earlier.
when we met, we met online. he was deployed. we decided to make it something, i flew to him when he returned back from down range. so before this, we had never met, we were a ready made family with his two kids *(he was a single dad of two kids). his ex gf dumped him because his kids were too full on (just babies basically), and cheated on him. he tore him up. i was i believe the rebound. the mother of the two boys, was his wife for 4 years, she cheated non stop the entire relationship and time and time again he forgave her (She admitted this to me), she eventually tipped him over the edge by having an affair with his younger sisters husband, taking $60k from this guy and he caught them red handed in a motel room (with the little boys in there also). when we met, he was pretty fd up. no excuse. but maybe this will help you understand why i have given him so many chances, i know he has tried to get his head right, and he gives me anything i want, is an amazing father. he tells me weekly how glad he is that i stayed and he knows he does not deserve me but he's glad he woke up and changed. he believes he has changed. he says he makes an avid effort to make sure we never go to where we started. and says this is why he didn't want to open up all this shit, we honestly are the "power couple" to others evidently smh which i dont know what means, they say because we have been through everything. do i take into considering any of this>? or not
Also today we went to a counselor who insists my husband sees him again tomorrow he feels he has an addiction and need for attention that doesn't kick in until he is away from the family. and he admited. "i like the attention". so now everything is out in the open and he has begged me and sworn nothing has happened since we have been married. that he knows how much of a screw up he is and he just kept lying because he was terrified that i would leave him because he had let it drag out so long (not telling the truth). I WANT to believe him but I'm so torn up and choking on my own emotions. i want to hate him but i think i want to work it out with him too. I'm so sorry, i am just so alone right now.