Help! Husband won't give back my son and I can't afford a divorce!

Christina - posted on 05/31/2016 ( 14 moms have responded )

20

0

13

I have always made sure my ex husband (now been separated from for three and a half years) and our five yr old son, have a relationship. I have never received a dime since we separated and even travel to a whole other state to bring our son for visits because he has no car or license. Being I am a single mom I haven't been able to afford a divorce since my ex husband was MIA and in and out of drug treatment for last three years. It was an abusive relationship when we were together and because of drug use I made him leave. My husband now is accusing my bf of two years (we have an amaxing relationship and has two children he has custody of around my sons age) that he spanks my son and apparently my son told him that. I know that's not true because I'm with my child 24/7 when hes not in school. I can only work part time so it does not conflict with his schedule. My son always plays with my bf and hugs and tells him he loves him. My son told me his daddy told him to say my bf is mean and hits him so daddy can get mommy and him back. I will say my bf has spanked his children once or twice since ive been with him but i dont feel that makes him a child abuser, i grew up being spanked and i believe im ok. I dont soank my child because we actually communicate very well and i was blessed with a pretty good kid. Now my son is telling everyone that when he's with his father but never when he's here with us! He cries saying Daddy wants us back mom he wants to be my daddy again. My son never did this before until recently. It makes my bf cry because he cares for my son and he doesn't understand why he's the bad guy suddenly. I took my son over to my exs mothers house to have him for the holiday week, as i know its important to my son he sees his father. My ex won't give my son back now because my bf and I live together and says if I move out and leave my bf I can have our son back. This is ridiculous how he can just up and take him when I've had him full-time for the last 3+ years with no help. There should be a law stating if a child resides with so and so for however long gets more rights to prevent this from happening. I want my sons father in his life but with my exs past with drugs and abuse to me, I worry. My son has only ever been there a weekend it's been 12 days now. I don't know what to do.....I have no family or friends to help me and I'm in a lot of debt because of my sons father. Please some advice

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jodi - posted on 06/01/2016

3,560

36

3907

"So am I supposed to live in fear of ever being happy with someone????"

Noone is suggesting that. You NEED to get custody sorted out - THAT is your path to happiness. Once you get custody and visitation sorted, THEN you can move on. But you don't have a divorce yet, so no, you need to sort out your past before you get to move on in the future without it coming back to bite you in the butt.

"I think some of you are being rather harsh about it. "

Not harsh, but realistic. That's just the way the law works. You can not like what we say and accuse us of being harsh all you like, it doesn't change the reality. What do you want us to do? Sugar coat it and send it to you on a unicorn? It may be harsh, but that's just the way the law works.

"I'm doing everything I can and I'm trying to get a quick divorce or custody agreement to make sure this never happens again. I have no where to go and no family to help I'm it, it's easier Saud then done."

Well, it's been 3 1/2 years. And you've done nothing about a divorce yet. Obviously you didn't realise the importance of having custody and visitation established. Unfortunately, you are one of the many that learn the hard way. That's just the way it is. I don't know where you live, so I honestly can't advise how to go about the divorce, but Sarah is right, it isn't necessarily expensive

"My bf got full custody and terminated the biological mothers rights, if he was so bad he would have never gotten custody of them."

Noone suggested he was bad. Noone here suggested you shouldn't be with him. Don't accuse us of being harsh when it is your husband (not ex yet) who is dictating the terms. He said you can't have the kid as long as you live with the BF. Yes, your husband is being an asshole and has no right to do that, but what are you going to do about it? If you do nothing, you don't get the kid. If you file for divorce and custody, you don't get the kid until that is resolved. If you stay living with the boyfriend, you might get the kid back. I have laid out your IMMEDIATE choices. I am not the one imposing those choices on you, so don't label me as harsh. Blunt, yes, but just laying it out for you so you can see the choices you have right now.

With regard to advice, document EVERYTHING. Every interaction, every conversation, every little thing. THIS will become your evidence.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

14 Comments

View replies by

Amy - posted on 06/01/2016

8

0

1

There has got to b a lawyer that will help you pro Bono there's alot of women right advocates and children's advocates that would surely help if they heard ur story I am so sorry u r dealing with this ur ex has no rite to do this to you.

Heather - posted on 06/01/2016

25

0

0

It takes only $200 bucks at most to get the papers to file- you can file them yourself....don't know how you couldn't get $200.00 in 3 years for a divorce...

if you're still married you both have equal rights so- I would go to the police station and ask what you can do in your state.

Secondly to a court all because you "had him longer" doesn't matter to a because that doesn't mean you are a better parent than the other one. Bad parents can have their kid for years...doesn't mean they are a better parent because "he lived with me longer". Try to get legal help where you can cause now you're most likely gonna need it...

Michelle - posted on 06/01/2016

3,625

8

3245

I think you have really missed the point on what we have been saying.
You need to get legal custody and visitation sorted out through the courts. It should have been done as soon as you split because if there is nothing in writing then the Father has as much right as you to have the child.
We all agree that it's not fair but the only way to fix it in the short term would be to (make your ex believe) that you have split with your BF. None of us have said your BF is a bad influence or anything of the sort.
We are looking at it from the outside and of course aren't emotionally involved. That's why we can give you the advice we are. That's all it is, advice, but sometimes stepping back from the situation gives you a better look at what to do.

Dove - posted on 05/31/2016

11,679

0

1349

I would have filed for temporary custody 3 years ago.... It doesn't cost much to go to the court house and do the papers yourself.

Is it fair what he is doing? No, of course not, but the ONLY way you can stop it is if you have a court order. There are no other options.

Christina - posted on 05/31/2016

20

0

13

I do have child support recovery trying to locate him for the last two years. They haven't been able to serve him because he has not been employed or moves every month. Also I tried twice to go after him but being he was a ward of the state I was told by an attorney to wait until he completed his treatment. I always kicked myself for not doing it anyways but life happens.

Ev - posted on 05/31/2016

7,361

7

910

{{I have always made sure my ex husband (now been separated from for three and a half years) and our five yr old son, have a relationship.}}-----Being separated does not make him an ex husband as yet. And since there is no court orders for a divorce you are technically married to him still no matter where he is living.


[[ I have never received a dime since we separated and even travel to a whole other state to bring our son for visits because he has no car or license.}}----The reason he has not sent you anything to help in the raising of your child is again no custody, child support or visitaiton orders have been set up. Until you get the child support issue fixed then you won't get any money from him for anything. As for travel expenses to take the child back and forth, again there are no orders in place stipulating that he has to pay for the child's travel to and from where he lives. You said he lives in another state.
{{ Being I am a single mom I haven't been able to afford a divorce since my ex husband was MIA and in and out of drug treatment for last three years. It was an abusive relationship when we were together and because of drug use I made him leave. My husband now is accusing my bf of two years (we have an amaxing relationship and has two children he has custody of around my sons age) that he spanks my son and apparently my son told him that. I know that's not true because I'm with my child 24/7 when hes not in school. I can only work part time so it does not conflict with his schedule. My son always plays with my bf and hugs and tells him he loves him. My son told me his daddy told him to say my bf is mean and hits him so daddy can get mommy and him back. I will say my bf has spanked his children once or twice since ive been with him but i dont feel that makes him a child abuser, i grew up being spanked and i believe im ok. I dont soank my child because we actually communicate very well and i was blessed with a pretty good kid. Now my son is telling everyone that when he's with his father but never when he's here with us! He cries saying Daddy wants us back mom he wants to be my daddy again. My son never did this before until recently. It makes my bf cry because he cares for my son and he doesn't understand why he's the bad guy suddenly.}}-----I do not know how old this child is but if he is being told by dad things that are negative about you and the BF that is not going to sit well in court. In court orders, parents have to refrain from talking bad about one another. But you can not get that fixed until you get this to court.

{{ I took my son over to my exs mothers house to have him for the holiday week, as i know its important to my son he sees his father. My ex won't give my son back now because my bf and I live together and says if I move out and leave my bf I can have our son back. }}----Since you are not divorced or have custody, visitation or child support set up through the courts and you two are in different states it is not going to matter to anyone who has the child. You still are married to the man and therefore either of you can have custody of the child. He could even file for custody in his state and you would have to go there to fight for it to have it in yours. ANd that means states with different laws on custody. You should have gotten this taken care of as soon as you could. Legal aid once again as a source. Or filing like Sarah suggestd.

{This is ridiculous how he can just up and take him when I've had him full-time for the last 3+ years with no help. There should be a law stating if a child resides with so and so for however long gets more rights to prevent this from happening.}}-----If only it worked that way but there is not a law and never will be one that states that who has the kid in their care the longest gets them. It never has and never will work that way and is not fair and stinks. And until you get a divorce and custody set, he won't help because there is nothing to force his hand to do so.

{ I want my sons father in his life but with my exs past with drugs and abuse to me, I worry. My son has only ever been there a weekend it's been 12 days now. I don't know what to do.....I have no family or friends to help me and I'm in a lot of debt because of my sons father. Please some advice}-----You have some good advice below in other posts. You need to get the custody going and also child support and visitation but be aware that dad could decide to try for custody where he is and that will get complicated. Instead of waiting 3.5 years you could have tried to do something a long time ago.

Christina - posted on 05/31/2016

20

0

13

First, my bf is an amazing man and i am very in love with him. I will leave in order to get my son but not permanently. This is the man i want to be with forever. All this stuff are lies and all I'm trying to say is i think it's messed up someone can keep bullying me into what he wants. So am I supposed to live in fear of ever being happy with someone???? I think some of you are being rather harsh about it. I'm doing everything I can and I'm trying to get a quick divorce or custody agreement to make sure this never happens again. I have no where to go and no family to help I'm it, it's easier Saud then done. My job is in this small town so what I'm supposed to move out be homeless and unemployed??? Yeah I'm sure that would look good to the judge. Idk why I even posted on this site. I'll try legal aid that's the only helpful thing given to me as advice. My bf got full custody and terminated the biological mothers rights, if he was so bad he would have never gotten custody of them.

Michelle - posted on 05/31/2016

3,625

8

3245

You need to get custody sorted out ASAP, you can do that before a divorce is granted.
I know someone who has lost her 4 children due to the man she is with, unfortunately she has chosen to stay with him and is even having a baby with him. CPS are putting stipulations on living arrangements when this child comes along and there is a real threat it will be taken away as well.
I would suggest you find a lawyer that will allow you to pay off the fees and get everything sorted out legally. As far as the law is concerned, he is the Father and has just as much right to have the child as you do.

Sarah - posted on 05/31/2016

8,728

0

21

" Being I am a single mom I haven't been able to afford a divorce since my ex husband was MIA and in and out of drug treatment for last three years. "
Getting a divorce is not expensive, you file with the clerk, if you don't know where he is, you publish in newspapers around where his last known address was or where his tax returns or government benefits are sent. You can get an order of divorce without him being there, and you could have taken any instances of abuse, drug use,etc to get sole custody. I agree, if I had to walkout on my BF to get my kid back? I would not even think twice.

Jodi - posted on 05/31/2016

3,560

36

3907

I do understand you shouldn't have to move out, and it isn't fair for him to expect that, but as I said, if it was between that and getting my kid back......I'd choose the kid. Your other alternative is to get that divorce and that custody order. Your choice. I wasn't judging you - you DID say you were with your kid 24/7, I just took that as you were with your kid 24/7. I'm also not judging your living situation. I am just pointing out the obvious - you need court orders.

Dihanna - posted on 05/31/2016

2

0

0

I feel for you. I understand how hard it can be to work with a child who is barely in school. I had to do the same thing until my child was old enough. Don't let someone's opinion upset you, if your doing the best you can that's good enough. Contact legal aid they could help you out. I went through them and made payments I could afford to get my divorce. My ex husband worked and I was a stay at home mother, I understand how hard it is to start over with a child and have no help. Contact them or apply online, I am sure they can help you especially if it was an abusive relationship. If you have been with your boyfriend for that long I agree you shouldn't leave because someone is making you feel bad about choosing between him and your child. I believe your son is being brainwashed and without a violent history from your boyfriend and if he has custody of his children it will look good to the courts. Parental alienation is a tricky fight but it would seem like your son is suffering from it. Courts see this all the time so relax, they can read through a lot of BS. I hope it works out for you

Christina - posted on 05/31/2016

20

0

13

I have a job it's just not a full time job because I live in a very small town and while my son was in school I worked and was home with him before he got back. I don't believe I need to move out when my bf and i have been together for years. My ex husband is having a baby with someone else so why can't I have a relationship. I waited over a year before I did. I have no where else to go and I'm paying insurance, food, my student loans plus rent and bills by myself. I am waiting until my son is in school full time so i can get a full-time job and I'm also taking classes online to be a cna. Sorry im not up to your par of living. My life is my son and I'm doing the best I can. I'm still suffering from the outcome of seperatiom and that debt.

Jodi - posted on 05/31/2016

3,560

36

3907

I'm sorry, but if you don't have a divorce, you don't have a decree over custody of the child, am I right? You NEED to get court ordered custody and visitation in place, or this is what happens. You want your son back, you are going to have to find a way to get that order.

It seems there is the option you can move out and leave your boyfriend........not fair, I agree, but if I had to choose between my boyfriend or my kid, I know what I'd choose. Then I'd get that damn custody order.

You mentioned you are with your child 24/7....how about getting a job so you can afford a divorce?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms