HELP! I CANT STOP CLEANING...

Krazyme - posted on 02/22/2014 ( no moms have responded yet )

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So long story short, I've been with my hubby for 12 years, married for 9. We've always had issues, bickering and arguing and I always told myself that things would change once we got married, then had kids, and now I've hit a wall. We have three beautiful children that are almost always around when we fight. Most of the time I find that he criticizes what I do and how I do it and when I do it. I'm constantly being told that I need to manage my time and he's always blaming me for everything. If the kids fall it's because they left something on the stairs and tripped on it and I should have moved it. If my oldest gets in trouble at school, I somehow had something to do with it. If he burns whatever he's cooking it cause I distracted him. I joke around and say that if the house across the street were to burn down hed manage to find a way to make it my fault. He's over the top with the kids too when it comes to their well being which I have absolutely no problem with except that I really can't deal with being told that I'm a horrible mom and that he wishes that his kids would get looked after properly. With me, I compensate my shortcomings by cleaning. I suppose that it's the way I was raised. I began chores like dishes and sweeping etc when I was 5, and eventually all the house cleaning was on me by the time I was 10 or so. My mom didn't do anything. Around the house except cook, and I was expected to have the entire house deep cleaned every Friday after school, including my siblings rooms and my parents rooms, dusting vacuuming and changing sheets laundry folding cleaning their rooms, all by myself and she'd have me clean all day until I was done. So I would take my time because if I ever finished early she'd find something else for me to do. This would go on until it was about 8 when shed tell me to go downstairs and do my homework which I would stay up late doing. Crappy childhood with a lot of emotional and physical abuse, and she rarely if ever spent any time doing anything with me or my brother, such as watching tv ( which was an exclusive privilege for us that happened maybe once every few months) or taking us out, or playing with us. We were always home. So now I have three kids, I'm always home, always cleaning and stay up late doing so because with my kids, I can't get anything done during the day. My husband come home has his dinner and sits on the couch and falls asleep there half the time. Doesn't help around the house what so ever and rarely helps with the kids. So on his days off I'll sleep in and let him handle the kids and breakfast and I spend all day paying for it with his monstrous attitude and complaining ( which is all he does lately). He has very few nice things to say to me and is constantly complaining. My God I think it's going to make me mad. So I my question is... Am I running away from him by cleaning or is it just me? I know this is pretty vague, and a difficult question to maybe ask, considering you all don't know me, but I'm going crazy doubting myself. I go crazy if my house is unkept and stay home mostly because there's so much for me to do that I can't justify going out with a dirty house. I go to bed thinking about what I didn't get done around the house and I swear I sometimes get out of bed to do whatever it is that I missed. And my bedtime the last couple months is 2, 3 4 am, and I'm up at 730 by force, snoozing as long as I can before I get up to send my son off to school. Then it's caffeine all day and by the end of the night I'm wired cleaning until 2,3 in the morning and I'm in this vicious circle I can't get out if. I'm noticing too most nights I clean just to stay out of his way, but then again, if I hang out on the couch watching a movie or something I'll stare at the mess around me if I haven't cleaned up and spend most of my time sitting there planning my cleaning for when the movie is done. Is this OCD or something else. I've googled my eyes out trying to figure this out. Maybe someone on the outside will notice something I'm missing.

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