Monica - posted on 06/07/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )
I want to have a discussion about relationships. I am at the point that I feel nothing will change. Some say I have to make drastic decisions & to be honest, I am scared I will lose what I love most.
My situation started 3 years ago when I made the decision to leave my Husband of 14 years. We had dated for 5 years before that. Never did I ever imagine I would be divorced. Issues in our Relationship didn't come to light till I was older. I tried to go to counselling but when a partner doesn't see the problems, its hard to fix. He always put everything down & insulted me. Was never there for us & only did things when he wanted to (that included outings, planning & even intimacy). We had 2 beautiful girls that he even decided when they should be conceived as he wanted them to be born in certain months. He told me once during our arguements that he gave them to me as he wasn't that keen on having any. He was a non participant parent. I did everything. They were my world. The arguments that we had were sometimes about what the girls should be doing but couldn't. We live on a large property but neither the kids or our dog were allowed to play in it as it would destroy his precious grass. If I ever wanted to have a BBQ, he would suggest I have it when he went up to our Cabin. He really never saw this as being wrong. So after 14 years, you can imagine the build up of frustration.
I decided before taking a trip with my girls, who were now 9 & 11 that upon our return I would be telling him that it was over. It was over a long time ago in my heart. I even tried one last ditch effort to see past all his faults & see if we mattered to him, so I asked him if he wanted to go on this adventure with us. We would be staying with some friends in different areas so accomodation was all taken care of. His response was "why the **** would I want to go?" That was the last nail in the coffin. Looking back now. I should of told him it was over & to move out while we were gone but I didn't. I was done. Has anyone ever felt like this?
So we're on our trip & we are having a great time. He doesn't call us to see if we got there ok & this was a 12 hour drive to our 1st destination. This didn't surprise me as I took the girls to Europe years earlier for 3 wks & never did he call me & didn't even bother to drop us off at the Airport or even pick us up as it interfered with his long weekend up at the Cabin!!! Writing this all down now, still gets me heated as why didn't I do something long ago. I guess I loved him & coming from a Divorced family myself, I wanted to make it work. But over time, it chiselled away my self being. I was low.
I am not going to hide anything in this long message. I want to be honest. So on my last part of our vacation, I met up with a friend of mine for 23 years. We lived in different Provinces so seeing each other was only occasionally. We went to each others weddings. He was just a great friend. No nothing intimate either, ever. He took time off when we came up & toured us around. The girls really enjoyed themselves with him. For the 1st time, I looked at him differently. He was now divorced & never had children of his own. But seeing him interact with my girls was very attractive.
I have to say one thing....I truly believe that no one can come in between a healthy relationship unless its already in trouble. No one has that power.
The attraction came to a point where on the last day, I crossed the line with him. He was surprised but had told me that he secretly had a crush on me for years but never wanted to ruin the great friendship we had.
When I left, I went straight home (again another 12 hr drive). I still had the plan that I first set out to do. I also had something else to think about. I never had any intention of starting another relationship either. The closer I got home, I was a little fearful. I have spent almost 20 years of my life with this person. Was I sure that I was making the right choice?
Close to 2hrs from home, my husband finally calls me on my cell & tells me I should stop at the cabin. I thought maybe he was actually worried about us & didn't want me to drive anymore. After some discussion, I decided I would stop. He was there waiting but really excited about something. He had me come in to show me something. I went to see & he showed me the hot tub that he just installed. He also mentioned he took 4 days off work to put it in there. I was flabbergasted. He took time off to do this & not any to spend with us on this trip. And, yes he has lots & lots of vacation. I was so mad, I went straight to bed, got up in the morning & the girls & I drove the rest of the way home. He arrived later that night & I told him I was done with this marriage. My daughter recalls that when she could hear us in the bedroom but tuned it out.
He agreed after a few days & said ok, lets separate. That next weekend he took the girls to the cabin so I could think. My 'friend' also suggested that I fly back to see him to see what was going on with us. We needed to sort this out. I agreed & kept it to myself.
All I can say is I was scared. I didn't know if I would feel like it would of been a one time feeling or what. That all went away when I saw him standing there with a single rose. I tell people it felt like I was home. Like we were puzzle pieces that just found a match. It was incredible.
Fast forward 3 years now & I still love this man so intensely that when we are together, I get very emotional. He still lives in the next province & we only see each other once a month. Why? I will tell you.....
My Ex refused to move out of the house, so I moved downstairs. He never knew how to use computers but I guess his co-workers were shocked that we split & suggested there must of been a reason. So he did some snooping one day. I wish I had deleted some of the emails that my boyfriend & I had written to each other but wanted to remember how we felt so one day, if we ever got too comfortable, we could refer back to them. Silly, I know. Anyways, he soon figured it out & since I saw him on the trip, he figured he was the reason the split happened. He doesn't have many friends as they take up too much of his time so when the kids were in his care, he would tell them about me & what I had done.
I realize now after going through counselling with them that they saw their Dad in a different emotional light than I was in. He wasn't ready for the relationship to end. It took me many years to finally come to terms with the end. They were told that because of this man, their parents would never get back together again. The girls would even come to me & tell me how much Daddy had changed & I should give him another chance. I couldn't as there was so much Emotional Abuse from him over the years, that I couldn't do that to myself again. Plus, why would I turn away a great relationship for a gamble. Yes I had kids with this man but the hurt was too much. Once my Ex realized that I was never coming back, he would paint this picture to the girls like how I can't be trusted & that I lie all the time & that I am choosing this man over them. Craziness as my kids are everything to me. They refuse to be any where near this man that I love so we chose to live apart. They are stubborn & will not be anywhere he will be. For example, they are willing to forgo any Christmas, Easter or any other holiday with the whole family if he is there. I am forced to choose as my family want to see them. My Boyfriend is so understanding & has tried to get them to like him. Nothing will work nor do I feel it will ever.
My Ex has a girlfriend of almost 2 years & they fully accept her but that is because she came into the picture long after he & I were apart. It makes me feel terrible. I hate it. This girl has been painted such a picture of me, that when I went to try to send her a note introducing myself to her through Facebook, she blocked me. I felt supposedly that I was going to bad mouth my Ex but on the contrary, I still cared about him & wanted him to be happy because everyone deserves to be. She even called me a Psycho without ever knowing me. I found her on Twitter which was public so I found out a little about her. Look, she was spending lots of time with my girls, I felt I had the right to know. Agree or not?
Anyways, that is the end of this, I appologize, long message. I would love to hear from others in the same situation or even hear comments on what I can do to make things easier. Every day apart gets harder & harder from my Boyfriend. I look so forward when we can spend a few days together on weekends or small holidays when the girls are with their Father. We have invited them on lots of trips & outings but they would rather sit in their rooms at their Dads. I just don't know. I love them too much to take a chance of him moving in here with me & losing them forever.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.