Help, I want to know if anyone has gone through this....Kids & relationships. Long Story but perhaps, I can get some words of advise or something.

Monica - posted on 06/07/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I want to have a discussion about relationships. I am at the point that I feel nothing will change. Some say I have to make drastic decisions & to be honest, I am scared I will lose what I love most.
My situation started 3 years ago when I made the decision to leave my Husband of 14 years. We had dated for 5 years before that. Never did I ever imagine I would be divorced. Issues in our Relationship didn't come to light till I was older. I tried to go to counselling but when a partner doesn't see the problems, its hard to fix. He always put everything down & insulted me. Was never there for us & only did things when he wanted to (that included outings, planning & even intimacy). We had 2 beautiful girls that he even decided when they should be conceived as he wanted them to be born in certain months. He told me once during our arguements that he gave them to me as he wasn't that keen on having any. He was a non participant parent. I did everything. They were my world. The arguments that we had were sometimes about what the girls should be doing but couldn't. We live on a large property but neither the kids or our dog were allowed to play in it as it would destroy his precious grass. If I ever wanted to have a BBQ, he would suggest I have it when he went up to our Cabin. He really never saw this as being wrong. So after 14 years, you can imagine the build up of frustration.
I decided before taking a trip with my girls, who were now 9 & 11 that upon our return I would be telling him that it was over. It was over a long time ago in my heart. I even tried one last ditch effort to see past all his faults & see if we mattered to him, so I asked him if he wanted to go on this adventure with us. We would be staying with some friends in different areas so accomodation was all taken care of. His response was "why the **** would I want to go?" That was the last nail in the coffin. Looking back now. I should of told him it was over & to move out while we were gone but I didn't. I was done. Has anyone ever felt like this?
So we're on our trip & we are having a great time. He doesn't call us to see if we got there ok & this was a 12 hour drive to our 1st destination. This didn't surprise me as I took the girls to Europe years earlier for 3 wks & never did he call me & didn't even bother to drop us off at the Airport or even pick us up as it interfered with his long weekend up at the Cabin!!! Writing this all down now, still gets me heated as why didn't I do something long ago. I guess I loved him & coming from a Divorced family myself, I wanted to make it work. But over time, it chiselled away my self being. I was low.
I am not going to hide anything in this long message. I want to be honest. So on my last part of our vacation, I met up with a friend of mine for 23 years. We lived in different Provinces so seeing each other was only occasionally. We went to each others weddings. He was just a great friend. No nothing intimate either, ever. He took time off when we came up & toured us around. The girls really enjoyed themselves with him. For the 1st time, I looked at him differently. He was now divorced & never had children of his own. But seeing him interact with my girls was very attractive.
I have to say one thing....I truly believe that no one can come in between a healthy relationship unless its already in trouble. No one has that power.
The attraction came to a point where on the last day, I crossed the line with him. He was surprised but had told me that he secretly had a crush on me for years but never wanted to ruin the great friendship we had.
When I left, I went straight home (again another 12 hr drive). I still had the plan that I first set out to do. I also had something else to think about. I never had any intention of starting another relationship either. The closer I got home, I was a little fearful. I have spent almost 20 years of my life with this person. Was I sure that I was making the right choice?
Close to 2hrs from home, my husband finally calls me on my cell & tells me I should stop at the cabin. I thought maybe he was actually worried about us & didn't want me to drive anymore. After some discussion, I decided I would stop. He was there waiting but really excited about something. He had me come in to show me something. I went to see & he showed me the hot tub that he just installed. He also mentioned he took 4 days off work to put it in there. I was flabbergasted. He took time off to do this & not any to spend with us on this trip. And, yes he has lots & lots of vacation. I was so mad, I went straight to bed, got up in the morning & the girls & I drove the rest of the way home. He arrived later that night & I told him I was done with this marriage. My daughter recalls that when she could hear us in the bedroom but tuned it out.
He agreed after a few days & said ok, lets separate. That next weekend he took the girls to the cabin so I could think. My 'friend' also suggested that I fly back to see him to see what was going on with us. We needed to sort this out. I agreed & kept it to myself.
All I can say is I was scared. I didn't know if I would feel like it would of been a one time feeling or what. That all went away when I saw him standing there with a single rose. I tell people it felt like I was home. Like we were puzzle pieces that just found a match. It was incredible.
Fast forward 3 years now & I still love this man so intensely that when we are together, I get very emotional. He still lives in the next province & we only see each other once a month. Why? I will tell you.....
My Ex refused to move out of the house, so I moved downstairs. He never knew how to use computers but I guess his co-workers were shocked that we split & suggested there must of been a reason. So he did some snooping one day. I wish I had deleted some of the emails that my boyfriend & I had written to each other but wanted to remember how we felt so one day, if we ever got too comfortable, we could refer back to them. Silly, I know. Anyways, he soon figured it out & since I saw him on the trip, he figured he was the reason the split happened. He doesn't have many friends as they take up too much of his time so when the kids were in his care, he would tell them about me & what I had done.
I realize now after going through counselling with them that they saw their Dad in a different emotional light than I was in. He wasn't ready for the relationship to end. It took me many years to finally come to terms with the end. They were told that because of this man, their parents would never get back together again. The girls would even come to me & tell me how much Daddy had changed & I should give him another chance. I couldn't as there was so much Emotional Abuse from him over the years, that I couldn't do that to myself again. Plus, why would I turn away a great relationship for a gamble. Yes I had kids with this man but the hurt was too much. Once my Ex realized that I was never coming back, he would paint this picture to the girls like how I can't be trusted & that I lie all the time & that I am choosing this man over them. Craziness as my kids are everything to me. They refuse to be any where near this man that I love so we chose to live apart. They are stubborn & will not be anywhere he will be. For example, they are willing to forgo any Christmas, Easter or any other holiday with the whole family if he is there. I am forced to choose as my family want to see them. My Boyfriend is so understanding & has tried to get them to like him. Nothing will work nor do I feel it will ever.
My Ex has a girlfriend of almost 2 years & they fully accept her but that is because she came into the picture long after he & I were apart. It makes me feel terrible. I hate it. This girl has been painted such a picture of me, that when I went to try to send her a note introducing myself to her through Facebook, she blocked me. I felt supposedly that I was going to bad mouth my Ex but on the contrary, I still cared about him & wanted him to be happy because everyone deserves to be. She even called me a Psycho without ever knowing me. I found her on Twitter which was public so I found out a little about her. Look, she was spending lots of time with my girls, I felt I had the right to know. Agree or not?
Anyways, that is the end of this, I appologize, long message. I would love to hear from others in the same situation or even hear comments on what I can do to make things easier. Every day apart gets harder & harder from my Boyfriend. I look so forward when we can spend a few days together on weekends or small holidays when the girls are with their Father. We have invited them on lots of trips & outings but they would rather sit in their rooms at their Dads. I just don't know. I love them too much to take a chance of him moving in here with me & losing them forever.
Thank you for your time. I look forward to hearing from you.

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Ahlmann - posted on 06/07/2013

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Hi Monica,

I would like to share my thoughts and experiences.

You asked at the end of the 3rd paragraph: "Has anyone ever felt like this?" Yes I have, not in any way as your experience, but with a close friend who was very dominant. I only realized this after I began questioning my friend for doubtful behaviour, and as I was more of the shy one it was good for me that my friend would take the initiative to go out and do things. I think that this kind of relationship, with friends or lovers, can work really well if both people respect each other. Clearly as I found out later he did not, as your former husband did neither from what I understand.

I could've realized it earlier, but I guess i was too happy to have a close friend to see the negative impact growing on me. I was not able to stand up for myself. It's funny how one can become dependent on someone for your own happiness, and despite all their faults that you're able to ignore and forgive them. I think by you opening up the window again of possibility that things might still get better, you have put too much of your own positive expectations in which left you powerless after he destroyed them again. Ofcourse I don't know you, but that's how I interpret it.

Your story gives me the shivers, your ex might actually be a psycho- or sociopath, and in that case he can never be trusted although it sounds like you still trust him with your kids. This might be very hard for you, but do you think your Ex qualifies as a dad apart from the genetic bond with your children? I ask this because of the continuous bad influence he will have trough out your children's lives. It might be the hardest decision you will ever have to make, but for your children AND own sake, and maybe even the safety of your BF, breaking ties with a parasitical being that has caused you and your children this much harm can be the only right thing to do here, maybe even go to court over it.

Also what is the reason you're apart from your BF, is it because how your children have been brainwashed and don't like him? If so I would seriously reconsider and don't depend too much on your children's opinion because it's based on lies. If your BF is really the good guy you paint him to be then moving in with him with your children will quickly let them realize what is true and what is a lie about him, because he sounds like the kind of fatherlike figure your kids DO need and have a right to have. If not then forget what I said :)

I would like to add to the reply of Evelyn that ofcourse your children are first priority, but if you don't take care of yourself first it makes it all the harder. Don't let their short term happiness conflict with their (and your) long term happiness. Think of how much happier your kids would be if you weren't in distress all this time.

And I ofcourse completely disagree that you crossed any line by having contact with another man after you divorced. Evelyn may have told herself that she can't have another man because her kids are first priority, I can't think of another reason why you would say that you CRUSHED THEIR TRUST, but it's perfectly normal to find love again and I think you handled everything with good moral standards and compassion. That is if you told the truth there ofcourse, but I can't see why you would go through the trouble of writing this all down in extent detail for the public eye without being completely truthful.

Hopefully I was of some help, good luck and stay strong.

Ev - posted on 06/08/2013

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It may have to do with most of that but in the end its about the kids not the adults and that is the point I am getting at.

Ev - posted on 06/08/2013

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Monica-I hear your words and understand what you are saying about yourself, you BF and your husband. But you also have to accept the fact that the kids may never like or want to have a relationship with your BF. What if when the divorce comes final and the custody agreement comes final the kids have chosen to live with dad; what then for you? The judge will take that into consideration greatly and may even grant their request since they seem to love their daddy so much. I know this personally because my own daughter went to court just barely having turned 12 years old and told the court she wanted to go to back to where she had been in school her entire life. Also, I had to let the kids go live with him because he would have fought me in court in a few months to get them. I could not do that to them so as their mother, I made the sacrifice to let them go so they could have some sort of peace of mind and not suffer anymore than needed. I agree that kids do not have say in who we date or marry after initially being with the other parent; but if that man or woman does not get along with the kids why push it? It makes it harder for everyone. And sometimes kids pick up on something about the new BF or GF they can't put a finger on but it scares them. I made the choice not to date mostly for the kids but also because I can not find a man around me that is not so full of himself, makes weird demands on dating (one guy would not date me because he wanted to have kids of his own and I was done having kids half grown already and he was my age), won't include my kids in things or make the effort to be a friend to them. Its about the kids....not us adults.

Ev - posted on 06/07/2013

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First, I am sorry that you are in this situation.

Second, though you may not be what he is painting you to be in the girls eyes, you did cross the line and that trust your children had was crushed. I know that when emotions begin to dally with each of us its hard to stay focused. I do have to wonder that if those girls were your world, why did you even send those emails and such when you knew it was not going to look good for you? Your girls needed you more than this man did. I am sure you know that now with their refusals of joining with him in any activities.

Third, you have to regain their trust some way somehow. It is not going to be easy. You need to sit with their father and tell him what went on during that trip and after and how it made you feel. You need to tell him that you had no intent of anything happening but it just did. He is not going to go for it. But he does need to know that under no circumstances is he to bad mouth you in front of your girls because he does not know all that has gone on. He also needs to know that the GF needs to not do that as well. Then you need to have a long talk with your girls about what happened and tell them on their level what is going on. Apologize for what happened and then make them your FIRST PRIORITY. Men can wait.

THat is my advice because when it all boils down to it, its the children that suffer the most from a divorce which you should know very well coming from a divorced situation yourself. Tell them you love them everyday, show interest in all they do, and keep firm about your visits with them but leave the BF out of them for now. Make it all about them. Still hold to your discipline you used when married to dad because structure is important to them. Hopefully over time they will trust you again and you won't loose them. And maybe in time they will come to like the BF.

I am a mother from a divorce myself and have watched my kids deal with two step mothers and two sets of step siblings. Its not an easy road to go down. But today, because I focused my energy on them and my attention, we are closer than we would have been if their dad and I stayed together.

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Jennifer - posted on 05/20/2014

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I went through the same thing with my daughter's dad & his wife. It all works itself.out in the end. My daughter is now 19 & none of that matters anymore. I do hate seeing them though as our relationship was bad from the beginning & I resented, even hated his wife for a long time. I don't even think about them anymore except when I have to see them at major events in my daughter's life but that is for her, not for me to ruin with my attitude. It WILL get better. The best time to remarry is when your children are young but I did & I have had a very hard time with my husbands children but we focus on us being the ones who will spend the rest of our lives together, not with our kids.....who are all now adults. They WILL go & live their own life & make their own decisions. Please don't base ur happiness on the opinions of ur children. Yes, it's WAY easier if they do like who you are with but they dont have to anymore than you have to like who they are with.
Hope this helps.......

Renee - posted on 03/15/2014

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I just have one question. ..has anyone taken the girls to talk to someone outside of this situation? I mean it might benefit them and you to talk to someone about what your husband has put you all through. Besides having that documented can help during a divorce.

Michael - posted on 09/03/2013

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Your talking to the wrong people your daughters should hear you say all that you wrote.If they heard the mental abuse they should remember.If they love you and remember how sad thier father made you they might be getting the same, unless he really did change.But turning your children against you don't sound like it.I think the only reason he is so mad about your knew guy is, he lost his hold on you.He is still using them to control you!If you want to make it stop it's easy, just every time they come over listen to everything they say.Know this (and this is comming from someone that had a controling game player play them for twenty five years ten after we split)your never going to get away from it until you do one thing.Beat him at the game!Find out everything he wont let them do and let them do it.Your not using them your saving them from a life like the one he put you through!Next they are teens now be a teen with them only with a checkbook!Plan a trip first to Datona for spring break than Stergis for the bike run(get your boyfriend to get a bike)and get them riding lessons.They will become the budding young women they should be, independent, free spiritet and most importantly, not the lumps of flesh he has used you to guilt them into being!You need to stop being the victem and take back everything he has taken from you and become the beautiful, free spirited woman you really are!Do it now if only for this reason, My girlfriend gave up on waiting for me after three and a half years and there has been no other I'm to fricken old!unless you want me to give you advice on how to be happy alone, but that's another letter.My name is mike. scamp I have a yahoo account at that address. If you chose Stergis I have hundreds of friends there and am willing to give you some really awsome contacts.Hope this helped.

Monica - posted on 06/08/2013

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I agree. But, what if a man came into your life that was everything that you are looking for. Always wanting to include your kids & is kind & not full of himself. What would you do if your kids didn't like him because their Dad didn't like him? That is where I am at.
I am legally Divorced now & have a Custody agreement. The kids are with me in the home that they have only ever known. Close to their friends & school. Nothing has changed other than Mom & Dad live apart. They don't seem bothered by their Dad's relationship which he introduced immediately. I think it has all to do with their Dad & his manipulation.

Monica - posted on 06/08/2013

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Thank you for your kind words. I am being truthful when I said, in the first post. that I crossed the line with my friend but that didn't happen after my divorce but before I returned from that Vacation where I told my Ex that I wanted to end our Marriage. My friend wasn't the reason for that. I had come to that decision long before.
Unfortunately, I was trying to be nice & allow him to live in the house because I cared about him still (funny as he wasn't to me). But now looking back, Here we are separated. Doing our own things but he portrayed to be the grieving Husband & made me look bad for dating another person. Some looked at it as though I was having an affair right under his nose BUT we were Separated. He was going out with young women & taking them up to our cabin but he was smart as he never was dumb enough to allow that info to get out & he knew I wouldn't of done that. Instead he shared information. One Friday I was going out. I had packed a bag & left it in the garage so the kids wouldn't of asked questions that I didn't want to answer. My ex cornered me at the door & demanded I tell him where I was going & with whom & he wouldn't let it go. He was always in your face until you broke down. He then threatened me to tell our youngest daughter otherwise he will & I would be again the liar. I told her as I was forced to. Who out there tells children about dates until they know this is the right person? I don't think kids need to be involved in their parents dating life. Couples break up & sometimes its tough on the kids because they either think that they were the cause of it or they are really attached to them.
I know I portray my BF to be this wonderful man but that is because he is. What man would stay with a woman whose kids will have nothing to do with him? If he knows that the kids want to see me but can't because he is there, he steps aside. He would love to do some activities with us but instead sends us tickets to go see the event on our own. A few years ago, we had a dog who got old & couldn't walk too well. I made the hard choice that I would have to put her down. This dog was like my child. The girls loved her too. That weekend, my BF was here. We found her on the floor in her mess not able to get up. The next day I texted my Ex to let him know & if he wanted to see her one last time. He said no. I let the girls stay home from school for 1/2 the day & we took pictures with her & made a stepping stone with her paw prints. They said their goodbyes. The whole time, my BF had left the house otherwise the girls would of never come home. He was with me when we put her down. It was a horrible thing to go through. I actually texted my Ex to let him know, she was now gone & he actually took that moment to say that my BF killed the dog. He said because of him, he couldn't say goodbye. He never took the dog to his place or up to the cabin again. He just abandoned her & he still says to this day that that dog was his life. This wasn't surprising to me anymore but really hurt.
With my BF, he knows I am a package deal. I see what he is like with all the people in his life. Even his ex step daughter recently came back into his life as she is now an adult herself & has matured. She is not upset that her Mom & him didn't work out but he was a part of her life for so many years while growing up, she wants to continue that. She blamed herself which he quickly corrected.
going to court to fight for my kids may of worked years ago but they are now 12 & 14. They will not be happy if I deny them their father. I am trying to limit his time with them, though. I read about parent alienation & found that that was actually happening with me. It needs to start from him if we all have to get along. But unfortunately, he is not willing to fix things cause in his eyes its all fixed.

Monica - posted on 06/07/2013

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Also, my Ex will not speak to me nor will he see me. If I drop off the kids, He hides. He has his Girlfriend write his emails to me which also mentions not to text him. I am not comfortable about that as we are the Parents not her. So the idea of me sitting down & talking to him will never happen. The girls I have spoken to about this & have appologized. I have told them & reminded them the reasons I left their Dad. They know how things were before. They have told me they remember.
Now when they see their Dad, they think he has changed but that isn't the case as his young Girlfriend is doing what I did....everything. She organizes the parties, outings, pick ups or drop offs, meals, etc.

Monica - posted on 06/07/2013

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Thanks for your response.
My kids & I have a somewhat good relationship. I am their Girl Guide Leader, help out at their school, am at their activities all the time & spend quality time with them as I did before. That has not changed. I even took them to Hawaii 2 years ago & next month we are on another vacation. We have time alone. I know that I have to get their trust back. They were mad a situation however when their paths crossed with my boyfriend where they were out right rude & acted as though he was invisible. I am the diciplinariun & always will be. If someone says hi to you, I expect them to answer. If someone gives you a gift, I expect them to know to say thank you. You don't have to like a person to do these things. It is just polite. I had asked her to write down her feelings & perhaps give this to him if she ever had the chance & she did. However, the letter was so horrible, I was shocked. It was as though my Ex had written it. In it were insults about his stature, Loser & D***head were some words that were mentioned. It was a way of her getting her anger out I do say but there are other ways of doing that too. She wrote what she thinks I should do & that it would make her happier.
There is one thing I know for certain & that is that the kids were traumitized. There was an incident when my BF came to town & I met up with him along with the girls & my friends & their kids. The kids were quiet & acknowledged him & were around him. They were starting to warm up to him. My daughter had just gotten a new cell phone & she got a call from her Dad. She asked me what should I say where we are. I told her to tell him the truth. I could tell by her answers that he wanted to make sure they weren't anywhere around him & not to talk to him, nothing. I saw the texts later on too. At the beginning, she was having fun experiencing something new & then after that call, she wanted to go. She rushed through dinner too. Like I said earlier, He was living in my house still because the closing of his house was happening in a few weeks but we were legally separated & divided all our assets. Big mistake on my part as the kids I'm sure thought, hmmm Mom & Dad are still living in the same house, so they must be together even though we lived like roommates. His Parents lived close & he refused to live there. I think he knew what he was trying to make me look like.
Please note that he was out every weekend with girls. I never said a thing to them about that as that is an adult conversation.
Anyways, he called me before I got home & told me what an Idiot I was & that he should bash my head up against the wall. My girlfriend who was with us was scared for me. I told her no, not to worry but she wanted to come back with me to make sure. As soon as I walked in he glared at me. I stepped into my room where he followed screaming at the top of his lungs what a B**ch,W**re,S**t. I tried to calm him down but he wouldn't. I actually thought he was going to get physical with me. My girlfriend had taken the girls into another room but had to intervene with us. My Ex through her out & locked the door. She was scared & called the Police. I stood up to him & unlocked the door & got out of the room. He then went into the room that the kids were in & grabbed them & said you aren't taking my girls from me. My youngest one was visibly shaken & crying out that she was scared of him. The older one sat on the bed & continued playing on the computer, dead faced. I asked her if she was ok. She just sat there with no emotion.The Police came & I did not charge him so they left.
I know as their Mom, that was the turning point. From that moment on they did not want to witness that Dad again. And any time that they would be around my BF, he would become that Monster. One night tucking in my daughter, she cried that she didn't want to lose her Dad. I asked her why & she responded that if he ever saw the BF, he would kill him & she didn't want her DAD to go to Jail. I couldn't believe that she said that.
This is the same daughter that told me that she wished he would just go away cause he never had time for her. He had broken so many promises. When we separated & I told the girls, she even said its bad cause we won't all be together but good because we will all be happy.
I had no intention of telling the girls about my BF till I was certain that this was a good relationship. My Ex ruined that for me.
Like I mentioned in the earlier post, I have been with my BF for 3 years almost & we still live apart. I'm pretty sure that shows that I am showing the girls who my priority is with. I only see him on their days with their Dad. There have been some overlaps where his flight has not left yet. Those are the moments that they have crossed paths with him. I never just have him drop by unannounced. It is on the calendar for them to see & they choose how to deal with it.
Yes over time, perhaps, they will like him but I wanted to know if there is any body out there that has ever experienced something positive because I can't help but think the worst. I am an adult & think that children really don't have a say in who you are with as I have told them the same when they get older. They may come across people that they don't like for some reason or not that are involved with family or friends. They need to learn to just accept it.
Its hard to take critisism but gladly listen to it. I am a good Mom & will never stop.

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