HELP ME PLEASE MOTHER NEEDS ADVISE

Yvette - posted on 11/28/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

10

0

2

I was a full time mum for four years. Ex took me to Court and got Sole custody because he had a lot of money. I see my five year old daughter five nights per fortnight it's just not enough. In the past month my daughter had been displaying signs of SEVERE separation anxiety from me when she is having to be returned to her father, she is clinging onto me for absolute dear life, she is crying uncontrollably to the point where she tells me she is having trouble breathing, she is screaming at the top of her lungs " Mummy don't go Mummy don't go " , she is using physical force not to go into the car when having to be returned to her father such as kicking me, biting, hitting, punching, trying to run away it is just horrific and traumatic to watch my daughter this highly distressed. I can see the sheer fear and panic on her face she she knows she has to go back to her dad. She has been sexually abused by him in the last but The Department of Child Protection and the family Courts did not believe my daughters disclosures as they accused me of making them up. This is more than a tantrum as she is nearly 6 years of age. I know in my heart there is something to my daughters severe separation anxiety. Please can anyone help me

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Sarah - posted on 11/30/2014

8,728

0

21

I have been trying to follow this post so if I am off target or repeating something, forgive me.
This child is 6, fully able to disclose how she is treated by either parent to a professional. A well trained child psychologist should see her once or twice a week, develop a relationship with her and will be the safe place where she can be honest without fear of upsetting one parent or the other. A good child psychologist with experience in this field will be able to separate the truth from the half truth from the false information. I am NOT calling your daughter liar but kids are very savvy and over the last three years she has probably developed a keen sense of what she should and should not say and to whom. She needs someone not emotionally tied up in this wreck to help her.
The guardian ad litum would be her legal representative in court and should receive her report cards, medical records, reports from the psychologist, photographs of any injuries etc. If your child is in as much distress as you describe then you need to get a third party to be present as a witness to her behavior during change in custody. A police officer in uniform may frighten her, but a social worker or other professional can stand there and watch and then give that information on to the judge.

Jodi - posted on 11/29/2014

3,533

36

3906

Yvette, I am a mother, and I do have shared care of not only my own son, but my husband has had shared care of his children too all these years. I am advising from a purely legal perspective. I, too, live in Australia, and have been through the family law system several times for various reasons.

Basically, unless the courts order that your ex has NO visitation, you don't have the right to withdraw it. End of story. Clearly you provided evidence to the courts, but they did not accept the evidence, so you proved nothing. Was there evidence of sexual assault? Physical evidence? Where is this "proof" that your daughter was sexually abused? Also, domestic violence of you is not evidence of why a child should not see a parent. The violence was against you, not the child.

I do understand how hard this must be to accept, but your evidence was not accepted. You did not then have the right to withhold visitation once it was ordered. This is why you lost custody. Not because he had more money, but because you chose to withhold visitation.

With regard to father's rights groups, can I ask why fathers aren't equally entitled to custody of their children as their mothers are? And are you aware that only 5% of fathers get sole custody as opposed to 95% of mothers? Believe me, courts are NOT biased against mothers when you look at those statistics. Why are mothers more entitled than fathers? The law states that custody rights begin at 50/50. If you want different, you need to go to court and fight it out.

It appears to me that you were fighting against joint custody and fought it by withholding visitation, he took you back to court because you were in contempt, and you lost. That's how it sounds from where I sit.

You ask if I am a mother or a father? Why? Because I think men should be entitled to 50/50 custody? Why shouldn't they be? Because I say more mothers manipulate the system? Well, they do, look at the stats. I am only stating what is fact. That doesn't mean I am accusing you of manipulating the system. I just resent you stating that too many fathers do without acknowledging the mothers that do it tenfold.

As several people here have said, have your daughter see a court appointed counsellor and get the court to appoint her a guardian ad litum. Neither you nor her father can objectively decide what is best for your child in this situation due to your clear hatred for each other. Let an objective person appointed purely for the best interests of your child decide what is best. You seem to be avoiding the good advice that has been given to you.

Jodi - posted on 11/29/2014

3,533

36

3906

Here is the problem. You don't actually have the right to withhold visitation from the other parent because you cannot decide that objectively. Only a court has that right. His behaviour aside, you had legal avenues you should have taken to have his visitation removed. First, you should have reported these issues to child protection to investigate, and secondly, you should have sought supervised visitation in the courts. Instead, you took the law into your own hands and withheld visitation. The courts would have very much frowned upon that and seen it as a situation of parental alienation. This is nothing to do with the money he has, it is to do with you illegally withholding the child from him.

What you need to do is keep records of your interactions with your daughter (a diary), talk to a lawyer, have a guardian ad litum appointed to represent the best interests of the child, and seek counselling for the child with a counsellor that will be prepared to testify in court.

With regard to the Family Court, it isn't that messed up. They operate on evidence. If you did not present evidence of the potential harm to your child, but your ex presented evidence that you were alienating him from his child, then yes, you were always going to lose that battle.

Allow me to just add that yes, sometimes the wrong decisions are made, often as a result of the evidence that ends up presented in court, but I assure you, there are more mothers out there that are skilled at manipulating the system than fathers - you only have to look at the statistics of the number of mothers who manage to cut the fathers out of their children's lives. Let's not lump all custodial fathers in the same category, ok?

Jodi - posted on 11/29/2014

3,533

36

3906

The only reason I can think of why they gave the father sole custody is because maybe you withheld visitation before the court case?

I agree with getting her into counselling with someone who could advocate for her in court.

Dove - posted on 11/29/2014

11,631

0

1348

She needs to get into counseling w/ a psychologist that is willing to testify in court and you need to get a better lawyer and a different judge.

I am horrified that any judge would do this to a child. Taking them away from their home and stability is NOT the norm... no matter who has the money.

13 Comments

View replies by

Dove - posted on 11/30/2014

11,631

0

1348

lol This is great.....

Of course Jodi doesn't know YOU... she doesn't know your ex either. All she is going off of is what YOU have said... and if you, in fact, withheld court ordered visitations... it's going to make you look very, very bad in a court room... regardless of your intentions. The courts don't care what YOU as a mother know... only what you can prove and you already said the only evidence against sexual abuse was that your daughter told you.

Jodi isn't calling you a liar about that... just that the court will not go strictly off of YOUR word.

My ex didn't even HAVE a lawyer (I did... a good one)... admitted in court to raping me, didn't see our kids for a year and a half and the ONLY reason he didn't get joint custody was cuz he moved too far away... because legally, even w/ all the above... that's what he was entitled to as a father. It's not about money... it's about law.

Yvette - posted on 11/30/2014

10

0

2

Jodi, Let me ask you a a few questions to start with. Firstly do you know me? No you do not. Secondly Jodi, were you there at our Trial? Again No you were not so DO NOT lecture me please about why I lost Custody because you do not know the truth and you do not know anything about my situation only apart from the very little bit of information that I posted. YES there was proof that my daughter was sexually abused. My daughter told me she was and THAT is the only proof that I need as a mother!! The domestic violence was not only towards myself but was also towards my daughter as well and yes there WAS proof of that as well Jodi and this proof was given in all affidavits. Now referring to your comments regarding the fathers rights groups I don't believe that there was any mention from myself that I said that fathers were not entitled to equal care with their children that is something that came from you. Your statistics are rather interesting so may I ask as to where you get these statistics from Jodi as I totally disagree. I do not know as to where you are getting your statistics from but let me assure that fathers these days are winning sole care of their children more and more each and everyday. If you do not agree with me than please feel free to make contact with my friend Professor Freida Briggs who is a Humanitarian and Child Protection Expert and who is extremely well known in the Family Courts all around Australia. We make contact with one another quite regularly and on a daily basis and she informs me of stories where yet another mother has lost custody of her children to an abusive father because of the corrupt Legal System that so many of us mothers have had to face. You seem to have quite an aggressive approach Jodi as I have seen how you have commented to many other mothers so just some advice you may want to find another approach as the one that you have now just ain't working sweetheart Yvette

Yvette - posted on 11/29/2014

10

0

2

Jodie are you honestly a mother OR a father as what you have said actually sounds like its a voice coming from a father. I presented ALOT of evidence to the Courts proving that our daughter was in unsafe hands whilst in the care of the father. I DID actually take the correct Legal avenues and all disclosures from my daughters were reported to DCP but my daughter and I were both accussed of fabricating the disclosures. Also for a time the Courts did organise for the fathers visitation to be Supervised ok but the father kept taking me back to Court over and over again as he was determined to obtain Sole custody of our child. It was essential that I not put my daughter in an unsafe environment with the father and all this was explained and proven to the Courts ok. Im sorry but I will have to disagree with you about that Courts rely on evidence however I do agree a little with this but overall who will win depends on who has spent the most money on Litigation as when we went to Trial the very first thing that the Judge commented on was how much money the father had spent on Litigation! I also had a very very weak Legal Aid Lawyer and the father had a strong and very powerful and confident and expensive Lawyer. There are many powerful father's rights groups that are making it impossible for many many loving mothers to remain as the child's main care giver. Family Courts are also extremely biased towards mothers as well these days which does not make it ay easier for protective mothers. So many Judges have also not be trained on how to see through skilled manipulators and perpetrators which is also another advantage to fathers when they take the mother to Court. Many Judges are not trained in the subject of Domestic Violence as they simply chose to ignore the statistics just as they chose to ignore the subject of Child Sexual Abuse.

Sarah - posted on 11/29/2014

8,728

0

21

A law guardian also called a guardian ad litem is lawyer (most often) appointed for the child. It is not always a lawyer, in the US we have CASA workers, court appointed special advocate. They are appointed by the court to solely speak on behalf of the child. They have private meetings with the child as well as supervise interaction between kid and parent and parent to parent. Super helpful!

Yvette - posted on 11/29/2014

10

0

2

Hello Dove yes it is coming up to two years now and I still can't believe that I am not a fulltime mummy anymore. It's like one day everything is going along fine and than its all just taken away. It's like my entire heart and soul was just taken all because my ex flashed his money around the family courts like there was no tomorrow. As we all know the Family Court system is severely messed up and they are putting so many children's lives at serious serious risk. These fathers that have money are getting away with murder basically and no matter what they do to us or our children they are taking our children's lives away and they know it. So many fathers are skilled manipulators and it makes me sick to my stomach what my daughter is going though living with her abusive father

Yvette - posted on 11/29/2014

10

0

2

Hi Sarah I live in Perth Australia. DCP did not believe my daughter because when she had two physical examinations they found no evidence of abuse which is the case anyway in 99% of sexual abuse cases. Perpetrators are clever enough not to leave any signs of abuse they are masters at this. When my daughter was three she was interviewed by two Police officers and because she did not talk they put it down as no evidence found. My daughter was also interviewed by DCP but she did not talk to them either therefore again they put it down as the child has not been sexually abused by her father. What do they honestly expect from a three year old child she was only three. Still makes me upset. I had Legal Aid but they were absolutely useless. Can I ask what a law guardian is?

Yvette - posted on 11/29/2014

10

0

2

Hello Jodie yes I did withold my daughter from visiting her father because did not have the parental maturity to care for our daughter responsibly.He was and still is a serious alcoholic, he would drive with my daughter in the car when he was drunk, my daughter would be returned to me with soiled diapers running down her leg, he would show up at my home intoxicated wanting to visit our daughter I could go on forever with his appauling behaviour.

Sarah - posted on 11/29/2014

8,728

0

21

At 6, why did DCFS not believe your child? It has been my experience (I am a school nurse so I do have to report occasionally) that they tend to believe the child until it has been proven untrue. Have you maintained and open case, does your daughter have a law guardian? Videotape her behavior (discreetly, you don't want her to know). If she does not already see a counselor, start. Where do you live?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms