Help! My 10 year old son is becoming increasingly disrespectful and demanding

Elisabete - posted on 11/21/2012 ( 2 moms have responded )





I'm getting increasingly frustrated with my son who is becoming more and more demanding and disrespectful.

I try to set rules and be as strict as I can but sometimes he tells me I'm too soft!

We do also have nice times, I work from home and always find time for us to have a chat or do fun things together.

But for example this afternoon I was going to help him decorating a Christmas bauble for school, I told him to wait for a bit because I needed to use the toilet and he got really angry (his dad was coming to collect him soon, for a couple of hours as normal on Wednesday evenings) and said : "Oh but you said you were going to help me and now you're wasting time, my dad is going to be here soon"

I asked him to stop talking to me like that as I can't stop myself from going to the toilet but he just carried on and on...I asked him to stop for the last time, otherwise I would not help him considering he was being disrespectful... to which he replied 'You never help me anyway'. I do help him with his homework, and the problem is: many times when I'm trying to explain something or help out and he just gives me bad attitude.

Also if things go wrong he blames me for it, for example if he gets in trouble at school for not having done his homework he blames it on me.

It feels like we're trapped in a vicious circle and I'm not sure how to get out of it.


View replies by

Ariana - posted on 11/23/2012




I would sit him down (during a calm time) and explain this to him. Tell him that you feel like he blames you or speaks disrespectfully towards you unnecessarily sometimes. Tell him explicitly that you are there to help him as much as you can, but you will not be treated disrespectfully. I would also explain to him that school and his projects are his responsibility, and if he needs help he needs to ask you for it, otherwise what happens (him getting in trouble at school) is his responsbility.

He may get defensive about everything, don't argue the point, simply tell him how you feel about everything. If he seems receptive (or even if not) you could try asking him how you might solve this issue (what he thinks should happen if he's speaking to you disrespectfully) and see if there are any ideas that are workable. It's amazing what kids can sometimes come up with. He may think of nothing which is fine too, but it's good to give him the opportunity.

After that I go by the 'it takes two to argue' theory. So if he starts to speak to you disrespectfully tell him, I don't like how you're talking to me right now (at first you may want to point it out and give him a change but if you've done this three times go to this immediately) then walk away or ask him to leave the room. He might argue or pester but simply repeat what you said, I don't like the way you're speaking to me. If he's been extremely rude I would stay quiet and simply walk away. Later if he asks you to do something for him (or go out or something) quietly say 'no' and nothing more. Eventually he will inquire (or go WHY NOT??) and you can simply say, I didn't like how you spoke to me earlier (even if it was this morning) and then walk away to avoid another argument. Even if he decides to 'apologize' (to try to get what he wants) don't crumble, say maybe another day.

Sometimes actions speak louder than words. Don't allow him to treat you like this, if he's acting like this at 10 he's going to be a real handful at 14!

Also if he EVER blames you for something that's obviously his fault (schoolwork) I would immediately tell him to go to his room. Nothing else, just go to your room, if he refuses take away all privilages (tv, going out, anything non-essential) as soon as he's complied I would go up (once he's calm hopefully) and tell him that you are NOT responsible for _____ and you expect him to write a mini-essay on all the reasons HE is responsible for doing his school work. Do the whole thesis three paragraphs conclusion thing (give hima template if he needs one). If you do this every time it will

1. make him think about all the reasons it isn't your fault and

2. make him think 'do I really want to sit and write an essay on this even if I truly do believe it's not my fault?'

Also your son is 10 so he does NOT need second reminders. In your post you said you asked him to stop multipe times and he refused, once you've talked to him it should be a 1 chance policy (or not even after you've carried this out two or three times). He might holler and act out but he's going to know you don't sit in the same room and listen to someone treating you disrespectfully.

If you want out of the vicious cycle you have to stop it, he's doing this to project blame to you and it's working, you're ingaging in the craziness. Stop responding. Next time he starts bothering you tell him you don't listen to people treating you disrespectfully and walk away. If he wants to blame you he can go sit in his room until he's ready to write out all the reasons that blaming you is inaccurate. After doing that a couple times he'll think twice before speaking.

Good luck!

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