Help! My 10 yr old son has a learning disability and my husband just thinks he is lazy.

Darlene - posted on 09/30/2009 ( 30 moms have responded )

0

0

0

My son is reading on a 1st grade level and we kept him back in 4th grade this year so he would not struggle. The school and I think he needs some special help at school. The problem is that the school calls it "special education" and my husband says no way his son is going in special ed. He is really struggling and I want to get him help. I filled out the paperwork and sent it to the school without my husband knowing. I'm just afraid he is going to be very upset if he finds out. When I try to talk to him about it he says he doesnt want to talk about it. I don't know what I should do. If I don't get help for my son he will probably fail this year and really feel bad about himself.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

30 Comments

View replies by

User - posted on 03/08/2011

1

0

0

Special Ed is not for stupid kids. It is for children that learn at a different pace and need a bit more one on one. Now a days with the classroom size it is very important for many children to have that. I would tell your husband that it is nothing to be embarrassed about but to take it as a strength your child will be getting through a more individualized setting. In fact, tell your husband that as a responsible parent and loving father and mother you both need to do what is best for your child and not care about what it looks like. Just a bit advice. Thanks

Dee - posted on 10/08/2009

3

6

0

One don't over react. You sound like a very concerned mother and there are things you can do to help him.



Kids needing special help don't mean they are lazy as there might be an underlying problem. Perhaps having his eyes checked to make sure he can adequately see what he is reading. Tutoring after school may be an alternative.



Fathers sometimes still get that knot in the pit of their stomach when the word Special Education is mentioned as it has had a negative connotation in the past. Set up a meeting with the school counselors to help you talk about the problem with your husband. This will take some of the pressure off of you and may be they have programs where the classes can be worked into your son's schedule without him being put in a full time special classes program.



Provide extra reading help in the evenings when your son doesn't feel so streesed. Let him read about things that interest him.

Brenda - posted on 10/08/2009

4

9

0

Lot's of prayer! Pray for guidance in giving your child what he needs and the wisdom and words to speak with your husband. If you have insurance, I would actually begin getting him tested through an M.D., not just the school. If you could get him tested through the medical field, your husband is not just arguing with you, but a medical professional. Continue to follow up with the school, though. They will help you with the process. Many individuals feel that when a parent takes their child to get help through just the school diagnoses is based solely on "mom's" opinions and concerns. Get proof to back it up. Also, encourage your child to work hard and do his best. Try not to let his disability be an excuse for lack of achievement. Learn his limitations, set goals, and What your going through is difficult, but you will get through it. We all endure difficult times. Its how we handle the situation that makes us or breaks us :)

My experience...no background I guess, huh? I am a single mother of 3. I have a 'typical' 10 yr old girl in 5th grade, an 8 yr with bi-polar, who is still not stable on meds or nor is she in school, and a 7 yr old son in the process of being diagnoses with Aspergers. Fortunately, my children are not behind academically, but do struggle with many things. My 7 & 8 yr old also have seizure disorders. I also have an uncooperative ex-husband in denial of our children's issues even with medical diagnoses (issue all in itself).

I don't want to give advice on how to deal with your husband, except that you should always communicate. How to do that is up to you. You could always try counseling.

ELIZABETH - posted on 10/08/2009

11

10

2

Sorry to hear that your husband feels so stronlgy negative about a label. Would it help to tell him that Speech and Language Impariment (SLI) qualifies a student for special ed and show him a list of the qualifing categories (available through school SST or psychologist). Have they a 504 plan or considered a Resource Specialist to target his ares of weakness? As a parent, you are your son's best/only advocate so regardless of how your husband (grown man) behaves, it is your responsibility to help him (innocent minor) get the best education and benefit from recommendations for future success.

Maria - posted on 10/07/2009

1

15

0

hello, i would also would like some help!!! today my son 11years old was diagnoised as a focus issue!!! thet are going to see him again to give me a full diagnose i suppose & hope!!!
i really wasnt ready i think!!! its all so weird & new to me!!!!
i feel my stomache is going to burst!!!! HELP?

Charlie - posted on 10/06/2009

11,203

111

409

do what is best for your son , your husband is in denial !!
he will come around eventually , the earlier you get the problem the easier it will be .
good luck .

Clare - posted on 10/06/2009

10

3

0

You have to do what is best for your son. I am a mother of four and a special needs teacher and I hear similar stories to yours frequently. I believe that you are the best judge of what your son needs in order to experience success. I also have a son who is 13 and when he was seven he was diagnosed with dyslexia despite my experience as an educator I couldn't give him the assistance he required so we also kept him down a year and enrolled him in an intensive intervention program. Just this year he was awarded an academic scholarship at an exclusive private school having received the best test result possible for his age level in the whole country. My point here is that remarkable things can happen when kids find themselves receiving the kind of help that they need in the way that they require it. Perhaps you could also consider enrolling him in a language intervention program outside of school in order to avoid the special education stigma. In Australia speech pathologist often run these programs during school holidays. Some internet research should help you find out what resources are available to you. You may not be able to change your husbands opinion right now but if he see the fruit of extra support for your son he will appreciate your insistence.

Jillian - posted on 10/04/2009

8

5

2

What kind of disability does your son have? What is his diagnosis? Have you taken him to a psychologist for the diagnosis or did the school do it? I am the Director of Education and a teacher at a Sylvan learning center and we work with many families with these kinds of concerns. The most important thing that you husband needs to know that if your child actually sees a professional and is tested to have a learning disability #1 it is not his fault. #2 it is up to you if you let the school "label" him. #3 he will probably need some kind of educational intervention, however these assessments will give you and his educators ways to work with his disability if he indeed has one. Hope this was a little helpful.

Marilyn - posted on 10/04/2009

1

7

0

Quoting Darlene:

Help! My 10 yr old son has a learning disability and my husband just thinks he is lazy.

My son is reading on a 1st grade level and we kept him back in 4th grade this year so he would not struggle. The school and I think he needs some special help at school. The problem is that the school calls it "special education" and my husband says no way his son is going in special ed. He is really struggling and I want to get him help. I filled out the paperwork and sent it to the school without my husband knowing. I'm just afraid he is going to be very upset if he finds out. When I try to talk to him about it he says he doesnt want to talk about it. I don't know what I should do. If I don't get help for my son he will probably fail this year and really feel bad about himself.


 

Monica - posted on 10/04/2009

1

31

0

My son is also 10; he was reading on a low kindergarden level until he received extra help this year at his new school. He has progressed to a average first grade level in less than nine weeks. Just do what your heart tells you and deal with your husband after he listens to his son read to him for the first time. It brought tears to my husbands eyes because he was being so closed minded.

Teresa - posted on 10/03/2009

150

10

22

Hi Darlene, What a difficult issue for you to have to deal with on your own, I hope you have some support out their for you , firstly your husband is obviously going through some difficult things on his own also, although I am sure this is very difficult for you and I admire how you have handled it, but I can see that youir husband is probably feeling lots of diffrent things right now, maybe guilt that youre son is having sucha difficult time at school/ as a parent we sometimes take on as a failing our children if they come up against problems that seem out of outr control, as his dad I am sure he feels he should be able to pu this right and protect him, by not excepting that your son might have learning problems he does not have to deal with it and maybe if he carrys on as normal everything will be ok, of course relisticle this will not happen , this does not mean that your husband is being difficult it just means he is finding it hard to deal with right now , so maybe you will have to be very patirnet and give him some space , after a time maybe suggest he attends a meeting with your sons teacher to justy discuss wayd in which your son can be helped to increase his confidence at school , you done have to go into great detail with your husband right now, and I know this must seem like you are dealing with it all by yourself but in time you husband will begin to feel less of a failure as a parent and see that you are trying to do your best to enable your son to get the best education he can . If his denial continues then maybe suggest you both go to seea guidance counsellor who perhaps give you both a space to disscuss your concerns and issues together. take care

Cheryl - posted on 10/03/2009

1

6

0

My son goes to special education all his life. it was hard to adjust. Myself i am deaf not just hearing impaired. I go both ways to deaf class and hearing class in high school. I am happy that i have more help and see others have their own problems that i am not alone. About ur son he will feel happy to be in special education and see others have similar problem then he isnt alone and be happy to learn together with other kid. If he isnt in special education then it will be lots of pressure on the kid with problems by a kid who tease kid with problem that be worse. Best luck u can explain to ur husband. Just think of ur son in his future and image what is the best. From my experience I see from my son he has ADHD and his mind level kinda of two years behind. He adjust well with others since kindergarten to high school. Guess what he got lots of friends who support him and patient with him cuz my son learned adjust into normal world and his friends learned his disability and all of them accept him.. I am happy if he is happy that counts. For u, how to speak to ur husband, dont worry just take him compare to normal kids and disability kid from their experiences and think about it. Good Luck.......

Darlene - posted on 10/02/2009

0

0

0

Thank you so much for all of your support. Everyone is so kind to reply. My husband did have a learning disability. He still can't spell very well. I am his dictionary when he is typing on the computer. You all are right my son does need to come first. He is only a child. My husband is a grown man. He will haveto get over it...

Tamara - posted on 10/02/2009

10

18

0

It is very important to get your son the help he needs! Special education is no longer a place but an intervention and a legal protection with in the schools. I am a special education teacher and I mostly support my students within the general education classroom. The only time I pull the kids out is for reading. Is it possible that your husband recieved special education services in school and is afraid of the stigma that he may have recieved? You are doing what is best for your son. The school has your son's best interest at heart as well.

Lil - posted on 10/02/2009

62

20

2

I think that your husband is far too hard your son needs help so go for it' .I wonder if your husband ever need help when he was a child or was he lucky never to have a learning problem

His attitude wont help your son it will make him go backwards Knowing his dad feels like that have you had him tested for dyslectic Or prehaps he needs glasses your Sons feelings comes befor your husband s so do every thing you can to help him

So what if he needs a special; school. they do a wondeful job so please get him Help

Lil

Darlene - posted on 10/02/2009

0

0

0

Quoting Angela :

I am a special education teacher with a daughter that has a reading disability. 1st get your son tested, the only way to know how to help is to know what the problem is. Once he is diagnosed the school sit down with you and develop an IEP Individual Education Plan, this plan will map out the strategies they will use with goals and objectives to help your son. Most elementary and middle schools use co-teaching or pull out services (when he child is pulled out of his regular class to get extra help). I'm curious about how low you think your son is, usually students can not go on to 4th grade if they have not passed the 3rd grade FCAT. so he may just be a little behind not a lot, but it is best to work on it now because it only gets harder. If you have any questions you can reply to this post and I will give you my email address and phone number



Hi Angela,



Thanks for responding.  He is reading on a 1st grade level.  I had him in Special Education at his last school and they kept passing him when he wasn't reading well.  When my husband found out he was reading at a first grade level he demanded that he be taken out of the special classes.  He said they were spoon feeding him and not teaching him anything.  That is when he decided that he was just lazy and not trying.  We decided to hold him back in the 4th grade without special ed classes  because he was struggling in all areas and barely passed.  We moved and hoped that the new school would be better and he would feel more confident having already learned the same things.  The school was hesitant to let him repeat 4th grade but we insisted.  However, without having the support he had before he has made a nose dive.  Since you are expected to read all your school work and test he is not able to and he is getting 50's, and 60's.  I just don't want him to fall flat and feel like a failure. I just can't believe that after being in special education for the last few years he is only reading on a 1st grade level.  Could it be that the school was not doing a good job or maybe he has a real bad learning disability?  He was diagnosed with ADHD when he was 6 and it was pretty bad.  We could not afford the medication and he has pretty much outgrown it.  He doesn't have any of the symptoms except a learning disability.  I hate keeping things from my husband, but I have to get help for my son.

Kathy - posted on 10/02/2009

3

8

0

There are WORSE things in life than your son having a learning disability. You just keep supporting your son and letting him know how many strengths that he has. My daughter (she is now almost 30) had learning disabilities and she is now the manager of a very large establishment. Just because you are told that he has a learning disability DOES NOT mean that he is not smart. It simply means that whatever they are teaching him he finds no interest in. He will get it. Give him time and give him encouragement. Whatever you do, don't let the school tell you he needs to be held back. Tell the school, by law, they need to see to it that your son have a tutor. You support your son, in the long run..... he will come to the front. Good luck!

Vonda - posted on 10/02/2009

4

14

0

You have two look after your son even if your husband think he dosen't need the help. Because your son will pay for it in the long run. Get him the help he needs now that will help him in the long run. I have a son that has adhd I worked with him at home to with his reading he now loves to read everything he can get his hands on to. He was in special education up to 8th grade then he did not need it any more so it really dose help.When you help him at home poit to each word as you read it then have him read it back to you. Good luck.

Vonda - posted on 10/02/2009

4

14

0

Quoting Darlene:

Help! My 10 yr old son has a learning disability and my husband just thinks he is lazy.

My son is reading on a 1st grade level and we kept him back in 4th grade this year so he would not struggle. The school and I think he needs some special help at school. The problem is that the school calls it "special education" and my husband says no way his son is going in special ed. He is really struggling and I want to get him help. I filled out the paperwork and sent it to the school without my husband knowing. I'm just afraid he is going to be very upset if he finds out. When I try to talk to him about it he says he doesnt want to talk about it. I don't know what I should do. If I don't get help for my son he will probably fail this year and really feel bad about himself.


 

Kristi - posted on 10/02/2009

2

14

0

This is not about your husband - do what is best for your son! I'm sorry your spouse has an issue with this, but that is his problem.

Angela - posted on 10/02/2009

2

13

0

I am a special education teacher with a daughter that has a reading disability. 1st get your son tested, the only way to know how to help is to know what the problem is. Once he is diagnosed the school sit down with you and develop an IEP Individual Education Plan, this plan will map out the strategies they will use with goals and objectives to help your son. Most elementary and middle schools use co-teaching or pull out services (when he child is pulled out of his regular class to get extra help). I'm curious about how low you think your son is, usually students can not go on to 4th grade if they have not passed the 3rd grade FCAT. so he may just be a little behind not a lot, but it is best to work on it now because it only gets harder. If you have any questions you can reply to this post and I will give you my email address and phone number

Latrice - posted on 10/02/2009

24

14

0

My son is in a special education kindergarten class. He's 5 and he's doing pretty good. My husband was a little apprehensive about it at first but he wanted our son to develop properly. He needs to sit down with the school district and see that special education classes are not what they are portrayed to be, especially when we were younger. The classes will have students on his same academic level. The district will find the right class for him. He won't be mixed in with kids that have more severe problems. You are doing the right thing by signing those papers. Men don't want to admit that their sons may have a problem. Just be a good mom and get him diagnosed. He's got to realize that there is a problem and it has to be taken care of immediately. Hopefully he will come around but you have to do what's best for your son. Good luck.

User - posted on 10/02/2009

1

5

0

I actually work in learning support. Has your son being diagnosed with anything? That"s always a good start - then you know what you are dealing with and it will also show your husband that your son isn't 'lazy'. There is so much help that is available. With some of our students it is as simple as removing them from the classroom during an exam where they can have someone read the questions to them or even scribe for them - they also get a bit of extra time. I suggest you talk to the school and ask them to consider changing the name - kids do not like being labeled. We just call it Learning Support. I know sometimes parents struggle with the fact their child does have learning issues - it is very hard to come to terms with. Because your son doesn't 'look' different is is easy to push it aside and think everything is OK. Your son is your priority but also so is your marriage. I encourage you to sit down with your husband and tell if what you have done. (When he is in a good mood) I suggest that you get him to sit down and ask him not say anything until you have finished speaking. There should be someone at the school that you can both go to to express your fears and concerns and support you both on the journey. All the best.

MIchele - posted on 10/02/2009

2

20

0

Quoting Darlene:



Quoting MIchele:

I don't know what disorder your son has, but my daughter has a ADD (she deals with focus issues). I understand your husbands concerns because I was very resistant at first with my daughter. What helped me was seeing the difference in my daughter when we started making changes. I still struggle because she is behind socially and there isn't anything more we can do about that and it hurts, when she gets hurt. Academically the struggles were the worst in fourth grade also, it is kind of expensive, but we sent her to Sylvan. She was at a 2nd grade math level and they caught her up to 5th before we moved away. She did work very hard, and that is one of the reasons it worked so well for us.






How long did she go to Sylvan to get caught up?





She went about 18 months.  Her teachers at Sylvan did say she made the progress she made because of her desire to learn, but I think anyway we can help or children is worth it.

Darlene - posted on 10/02/2009

0

0

0

Thank you all for your comments. I feel better about my decision. I just want the best for my son.

Melody - posted on 10/02/2009

1

30

0

It sounds like your husband is going to have to swallow his pride. As parents it is our responsibility to get the best education for our children we can and when we see them struggle we have to be there to help. My nephew has ADHD, he has a hard time focusing. Their was a huge difference once they put him on medicine. He grades really improved. I am not sure what difficulties your son is having but in the long run you will see you did the right thing. Hopefully, once your husband sees an improvement in your son he will come around. You will see an improvement in your son in all aspects, socially, mentally, and etc. Good Luck!!

MIchele - posted on 10/02/2009

2

20

0

I don't know what disorder your son has, but my daughter has a ADD (she deals with focus issues). I understand your husbands concerns because I was very resistant at first with my daughter. What helped me was seeing the difference in my daughter when we started making changes. I still struggle because she is behind socially and there isn't anything more we can do about that and it hurts, when she gets hurt. Academically the struggles were the worst in fourth grade also, it is kind of expensive, but we sent her to Sylvan. She was at a 2nd grade math level and they caught her up to 5th before we moved away. She did work very hard, and that is one of the reasons it worked so well for us.

Cat - posted on 10/01/2009

45

68

8

Hi Darlene! I don't know what type of relationship you have with your mother in law, but if she is available I would ask her how your husband's childhood years went. The reason I say this is because although my children haven't been diagnosed, I am 100% positive they are both ADD/ADHD and my, now ex-husband, does not agree and doesn't want to discuss it. He says they are just being lazy and are misbehaving. I don't have a terrific relationship with my MIL now but we talked when he and I were still married. She told me that he had several different learning blocks as a child. My guess is that he is so embarrassed by his child hood that he doesn't want his children to be put through all the tests and spec ed classes. What he doesn't realize is that it woudl benefit them immensly.



As a mother, I think you did the right thing by signing the papers. It may not be a good thing as a wife, but as a mother you have a responsibility to do whatever you can to make your childs life the best it can be. All you want is for him to grow to be happy, healthy and feel like he can succeed with effort.



I'll be honest and say that this situation was a part of why my husband and I divorced. Now don't let that worry you because there were SEVERAL other factors. However, once your son begins the classes and you can see a change then you will feel better about it. In the mean time, you will still need to try and talk to your husband about it. Mine never came around, but hopefully things will work out for you.



Good luck!

Sharon - posted on 09/30/2009

11,585

12

1315

Get a diagnosis.



Our schools no long call various classes "special ed" and you don't need to use that term either. "reading lab" for kids with dyslexia or other reading comprehension issues... sounds so much more sophisticated doesn't it?



Tutoring? A computer program? Just tell your husband you enrolled your son in a "reading lab" at the school that will help with his disability and get a diagnosis.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms