Help! My 11 and 7 year olds won't listen!

Amparo - posted on 03/13/2014 ( 13 moms have responded )

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Hi, so I have 11 and 7 year old girls who seem to have lost all ability to listen to me or my husband when we ask them to do anything around the house. They also tend to "forget" that we have asked them to do simple chores. Instead we get big attitudes and lots of tantrums and back talk, especially from the 7 year old. When the 11 year old does do her chores, it is almost worse than if she hadn't even started. We have bribed, grounding, taken away things, time outs, and positive reinforcement, but nothing we have done has helped. We are almost at our wits ends and don't know what to do now. I feel like our family is really starting to suffer. Does anyone have any ideas for how to help our girls to listen to us?

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Nadine - posted on 06/10/2016

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I agree with taking away the trimmings. It worked with mine. My youngest made a smart comment once that the playstation was his, because he worked for it. Yes, yes, that was true, but the power was ours... Thus ended the rebellion.

Sarah - posted on 06/09/2016

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My youngest is 12 and i assure you, if you are consistent and follow thru with your threats, they obey. I told my kids 5 years ago, every single thing in your life except the roof over your head, the food in your belly and the clothes on your back is a bonus. You don't like my rules? Try life without all the "trimmings". My then 15yo decides since he was taller and faster and felling independent he did not need to obey, we tried the phone, then the next step was to strip his life bare of everything. He had nothing but a clean change of clothes, a pillow, a flashlight, and food. No door, no phone, no computer, nothing. Was it a huge hassle? Sure. Would I do it again? You bet! None of his younger sibling who were 12. 10 and 8 at the time have ever challenged me. They know I mean what I say. I'd much rather go thru what I did one time, then beat my kids endlessly for every single infraction.

Ev - posted on 06/09/2016

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My kids are a bit older than yours and at those ages I used a lot of things even what you did. You have to find their "currency".

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Sarah - posted on 06/10/2016

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You leave the toddlers bed and belongings be. At 11 your daughter won't have any use for them.

Chiara - posted on 06/10/2016

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My oldest daughters father passed away before her 1st birthday. I will def try this consistency thing. I am going to box everything up in her room. But my concern is... my 2 year old shares a room with the oldest so how would that work.

Sarah - posted on 06/10/2016

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"I have taken everything from my 10 year old and she will play with imaginary friends"
So you took everything? Her bedroom door? Her furniture? When I say I took everything from my son, he had a flashlight, pillow, blanket and a change of clothing. He was allowed one shower and to brush his teeth and use the restroom. He insisted he needed his computer for school, too bad. He had to ask permission to use the land line to call a friend for a ride to the library and used the public computer. This was hard, it is not easy. The beauty of sticking to it is everyone learned and I never had to repeat the process. The spanking page will go on and on about how spanking transforms their naughty little one into an angel; well if it works so well, why must they spank and spank again, and even give maintenance spankings? It's ridiculous.
If your daughter is left with nothing but her imaginary friends, fine. Trust me that will get boring after a few days.

Ev - posted on 06/10/2016

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{{I have taken everything from my 10 year old and she will play with imaginary friends. Cant take that away and if I could I think that would be the only thing she cares about.She is passionate about school but I cant take that from her either. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.}}

{{My oldest daughter literally isnt phased by anything. I can take away everything and anything and she is just not phased. I yell, I scream, I take things away, I hit her... no results. That is why its so frustrating! Its not like I can kill her and bring her back to life and say "you see" lol. I often feel that because I am so small and my voice is rather soft (no base). Dont get me wrong when I flip out I see the fear in her eyes but I just dont want my kids to necessarily "fear" me.}}

I agree that you can take things away and some you can not because they are necessary such as school. But to me with both girls it sounds like you tried one thing and then went to another and did not stick to any one thing long. You bounced around trying to find it and then gave it back when they complied only to have the same actions happen again and then took something else away then gave back to have the whole process repeated. So you need to take all their things and store them somewhere that they do not have access to. Leave them bedding and clothing in their rooms. Do not allow them to go out with friends, go do fun activities, or anything all summer since school is obviously out or is out soon for summer break. Do not give in to their saying they are going to do the things expected to get it all back. Make them earn it one thing at a time. It is going to be hard but it can be done. You need to be firm and stand your ground on it. As for yelling, hitting, and such, those things never work. Hitting can be considered abuse if your daughters say anything about it so stop. Also, where is dad?

Chiara - posted on 06/10/2016

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I have taken everything from my 10 year old and she will play with imaginary friends. Cant take that away and if I could I think that would be the only thing she cares about.She is passionate about school but I cant take that from her either. I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Chiara - posted on 06/10/2016

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My oldest daughter literally isnt phased by anything. I can take away everything and anything and she is just not phased. I yell, I scream, I take things away, I hit her... no results. That is why its so frustrating! Its not like I can kill her and bring her back to life and say "you see" lol. I often feel that because I am so small and my voice is rather soft (no base). Dont get me wrong when I flip out I see the fear in her eyes but I just dont want my kids to necessarily "fear" me.

Chiara - posted on 06/09/2016

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Evelyn these kids of today are not phased by anything. Consistent or not nothing works. Do you have children in the age group of which we speak?

Chiara - posted on 06/09/2016

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I dont have advice however you are NOT alone, my 10 year old is the WORSE like it sucks to say but she makes me wish I never had kids sometimes. I find myself yelling all the time. When she wants something she expects now results but when I tell her something I must wait. I am trying so hard not to get physical because I fear I might knock her into another galaxy but OMFG I am really getting annoyed. Her father isnt in the picture, never has been. But my 2 year olds father has stepped in and also there is an ex that has played the role for many years. I work from home. I take them out to nice place (regretfully because she doesnt know how to act). The latest issue I have been having is she whines all the time. I am losing it in here

Charity - posted on 03/13/2014

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I don't know if this is allowed anymore, but when I was about 10 or 11 years old, my older sister and I used to procrastinate about doing the dishes after dinner or mowing the lawn. One day I did a crappy job cleaning up the kitchen and mom took her leather belt that was hanging on the wall and made me lean over the bed while she "spanked" me with it. I cried really hard, because it hurt sooo bad and I was so humiliated, but I'll tell you what. Next she said do the dishes, boy, I was in there lickety-split and scrubbing and cleaning like you wouldn't believe. She also occasionally used the leather shoe which hurt really bad, but didn't leave marks. That might work for your girls. Boy did it ever work for me.

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