Help! My 17 year old daughter dating a 20 year old

Alma - posted on 11/11/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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Hello All,
I really need assistance right now. My 17 year old daughter (first time bf) is 20. I've made it very clear that this guy is not in her league. She has been on the National Honors Society for 4 years now. She will be graduating in June 2016. I don't want to lose our friendship over this loser! Yes, I said loser - working on his GED...no job!
I have decided to put my foot down and tell her that she is forbidden to see him.
Please advise.
Thanks!

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Michelle - posted on 11/11/2015

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If you do forbid her to see him then she will only go behind your back to see him.
You need to sit down and have a talk with her about your concerns. Explain to her (calmly and rationally) that you would like her to concentrate on her studies and to graduate.
The only thing is, you don't like him and she will pick up on that. She's almost an adult and then it doesn't matter what you say so it's it's best to have an adult discussion with her instead of treating her like a child.

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Tina - posted on 11/14/2015

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My daughter is 17 and her boyfriend is 20...they have been together since he was 17. He's a decent kid, very smart and is very good to her. I dont share that he is that old with some who may not understand because he was a minor when the relationship started. I am very close to my daughter and she has graduated (a year early) from High school and has aspirations to continue her education.

I would not "forbid" her to see him even though at times that seems like the perfect solution only because I don't always appreciate his influence on her. My goal is to stay close to my daughter and I do that by insisting on the boundaries we set up and always being sure that my guidance lingers in the background as a reference to her. She has a set of values and now it's time for me to observe her honoring them....

Stephanie - posted on 11/12/2015

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Don't push too hard cause it will only make her want him more, sometimes all you can do is be supporting and hope all the values u instilled in her kick and and she sees the light...she's smart and if your being her shoulder and ear and best friend will make you have a better chance on keeping an eye on things and gently encouraging her to get away from him..but the more you push and be aggressive the more she will rely on him and that's not what you want

Raye - posted on 11/12/2015

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A 20 year old and a 17 year old are mentally at very different places in life. It may not seem like much of an age difference, but it really can be. He will be turning 21 and wanting to party and she will still be underage. He will either be a bad influence on her and get her into partying, or break up with her because she's still a kid, or both. It's probably a matter of time before the relationship runs it's course and ends anyway, and forbidding it just makes it more attractive for your daughter. As the other's have said... talk to her as an adult. Warn her of the dangers. Take precautions where you can. And then try to trust that she will make good decisions.

Dove - posted on 11/11/2015

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The fastest way to get her to run off w/ him is to forbid their relationship. It is not up to you to dictate your almost adult daughter's relationships. It is up to you to trust that you have raised her well and she will make the right decisions for her life... whether you agree w/ them or not.

Now... she is still a minor, living in your home, and going to high school, so you absolutely CAN set rules and limits on her social activities, but it is much better to talk to her like an adult and guide her through conversations rather than attempting to control her choices.

Why do you not like him? Why does SHE like him? Open up a mature dialogue w/ her and be specific... calling him a loser is not productive.

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