Help! My 9 year old daughter is disrespectful and malicious to siblings and adults.

Ashlee - posted on 01/16/2015 ( 13 moms have responded )

9

0

1

My 9 year old (9 1/2) daughter is so disrespectful to me and her other siblings. It seems like she goes out of her way to make everyone miserable. She walks around randomly yelling things and she does things to her siblings (1 brother 2 sisters) to drive them crazy or even get them in trouble. I'm sure there's a little jealousy but I spread attention out evenly between the kids. I've grounded her, taken things away, even spanked her, NOTHING fazes her it only seems to make her angrier. I'm at my wits end, I don't know what to do anymore. Any tips?

13 Comments

View replies by

Ashlee - posted on 01/19/2015

9

0

1

She's been like this for a couple years now, as far as troubles, she has her first male teacher this year which she doesn't like. She thinks he picks on her and blames her for everything. She's difficult when it comes to her siblings because she plays with them all from time to time but then she gets nasty sometimes and will only want to play with her brother or vice versa where she only wants to play with her sisters. And then I've gotta hear from the left out children that she's being mean to them and try to encourage them to all play nice or find something to do on their own.she does fairly well in school. So I don't know where it all springs from.

Cecilia - posted on 01/18/2015

22

1

3

Is this something she's always had trouble with or is this recent from when she found out about the baby? Or maybe when she says everyone is mean to her ask why she feels that way and after you can let her know you have certain rules in place and give the reason. Could be with the age she's at and things happening around she feels things aren't fair. I had some issues like that with my son and started talking about how his behavior wasn't fair to others but it only made him upset and he after a bit started telling he didn't care. Later I found out there were some unfair situations away at daycare. Is she doing well in school? Maybe some one on one activities with her can unearth what ever the issue is. If this wasn't a constant for her before it seems she has some big frustration going on.

Ashlee - posted on 01/18/2015

9

0

1

I've thought about having her see a counselor. She seems excited about the baby, she even wanted the baby to share a room with her(baby is going to be sharing a room with my step-son because it's a boy). I guess all in all a counselor is the best idea.

Sarah - posted on 01/18/2015

9,445

0

22

Have you discussed this with her pediatrician? Does she act out at school? She might have trouble controlling her impulses. Also, have you considered the idea that she feels threatened by the new baby? Kids can't always tell us their feelings and will act out in the most bizarre ways. A behavioral therapist may give you some ideas on how to help her with her anger.

Ashlee - posted on 01/18/2015

9

0

1

She's very spiteful towards her siblings. She thinks its funny to get the other kids in trouble. But of course hates when "what goes around comes around". She has an attitude problem and likes to control the other kids. She has to be the boss or she won't play with them. She TRIES to be the boss towards us adults and then when she gets put in her place we get the attitude, tantrums, screaming, arguing which only gets her into worse trouble because we don't tolerate that behavior. If I send her to her room and she starts flipping out and screaming from her room I give her a chance to calm down, if she refuses, she gets spanked and the time out in her room gets doubled. But as I said before nothing ever changes her behavior. We've talked before and she's told me that she wants to change but everyone is still mean to her. So I tell her she needs to be the better person because the only one who she's bothering with her attitude is herself. So after talks like that I might notice a change for a day or two but then she's right back to old tricks. I'm frustrated that she just doesn't get it!

Rowan - posted on 01/18/2015

31

0

8

Your daughter will mature into preteen soon when she turns 10. However, it is not normal for her to be rude to adults and randomly yelling. My daughter is 12 and she is almost 13 and there is some rudeness sometimes BUT it's only the tone of her voice, grumping, groaning that I find rude in her.

Teresa - posted on 01/17/2015

150

10

22

Hi, Ashlee, This must be a very difficult situation for all of your family to be ain, the confusion of why she is behaving like this coupled with not knowing what to do, can cause even more stress and make it difficult to deal with.

Your daughter is close in age to young adults who have a lot of issues around identity and friendships, and lot of confusion in understanding what is going on, and her frustration will be aimed unfortunately at those closest to her.

How are things at school is she getting on with her friends? If she is constantly angry ,it may be she is having difficulties outside of the home, and does not know how to communicate this to you or the family.

Although I am sure you give her a lot of attention individually, a special trip out with her to a place she enjoys being at, and use the opportunity to talk about what is going on for her , at home, school, be honest about your concerns , and explain you want to help her be happy and enjoy the time you have with her, and that you need her help to do that. If the behaviour still continuous over time maybe have a discussion with a school counsellor ,who may be able to spend some time with her and try to understand her issues.

Of course you can not ignore her bad behaviour especially if directed at her siblings, however it may be better to give her a time out to think about her behaviour, if you take away her things she knows eventually she is going to get them back, grounding her will only make her hold on to the anger she is feeling, spanking at her age only will make her regress to a younger child and so likely to cause a 'tantrum situation'. Time out in a separate room for 10 mins (I minute for each year ) will allow her to think about what she did immediately, but importantly separate both of you from the situation straight away. If she refuses to do the time out stick at it, if she moves away take her back start again.
When she does something you do not think is appropriate behaviour, just say time out walk her to the chair sit her down and say why you are putting her there, sit her down say 10 mins , and walk away. after 10 mins ask for an apology either for you or who every she upset, if she apologises hug say you love her and move on don't talk about it never bring it up again. But keep at it..... let me know if it works good luck you doing a great job !!!

Ashlee - posted on 01/16/2015

9

0

1

The idea has definitely crossed my mind. My biggest problem is I'd feel guilty not allowing her grandfather to see her because of the way she's acting. He's not a very healthy man, (he's 74 with emphazima ). I could never live with myself if he passed while I had forbidden her to go .

Trisha - posted on 01/16/2015

551

0

13

I think that is probably exactly what is going on. The lack of consistency is making it difficult for her to maintain a routine and get used to the 'strictness' at home.
It looks like you have done the right steps, but if her pop pop (who is this, father, grandfather?) is unwilling to help there is not really much you can do.
If it is her grandfather, than perhaps you can use that as a point of bribery. "If you don't drop the attitude, you will be unable to go"?
It is not very nice, but after only a couple of times of you actually enforcing this rule she might take it seriously, and change her behavior.

Ashlee - posted on 01/16/2015

9

0

1

All I really ask of her is that she keeps her room clean (which she really doesn't do well either) I usually end up going through all my kids' rooms once a month and giving them a good cleaning (they hold on to the most ridiculous things lol) and I'm pregnant right now so she has made herself responsible for cleaning the litter box for me since I can't. She goes to her pop pops on weekends and I think that might spawn some of her anger. They set very few rules for her. She's allowed to snack whenever she wants there vs our house they get a snack before bed provided they eat their dinner. When she gets punished that's who she cries for. Its pretty frustrating. But her pop pop is 74 I'd hate to deny her being able to visit and then his time comes. I've talked to him about how he spoils her, and about her behavior here, I've even gotten him to sit down with her and myself and talk but even he has little affect on her behavior.

Trisha - posted on 01/16/2015

551

0

13

Does she have a lot of chores/responsibilities that she might be overwhelmed with?
My stepson was acting out a lot when he was overloaded with things to do.
He just always felt like he was in trouble. We reduced his choreload, and started spending more quality time with him. Ex. reduced tv time etc.

Ashlee - posted on 01/16/2015

9

0

1

I've tried but she just shrugs. She tells me she doesn't know. We have rules on a white board which include treating others how you want to be treated. So I tell her that behavior is unacceptable, there is no reason to act that way. We've talked about karma. We've talked about having respect and even if someone else is mean to her that it's not up to her take action against someone else. I don't know how to make it any clearer to her. It seems like I'm always punishing her. But her behavior never changes.

Trisha - posted on 01/16/2015

551

0

13

Have you tried asking her why she acts like that, when she is NOT in a state like that?

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms