help my 9 yr old is out of control

Tanya - posted on 11/13/2009 ( 45 moms have responded )

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she lies, she steals food, she throws tantrums every day, nothing works for her: time out, taking away things, going to bed early,spanking. She's out of control. She takes running down the sidewalk of our community, we have to threaten to call the police. She yells and screams, grunts and growls. We have long talks but now she uses this behavior in order to have the talks which don't work. I've had my mom, mother-in-law, and sis-in-law try to talk to her. I've read her excerpts in the bible regarding behavior and children. Nothing works! She's been like this since she was 5! I can't take it, I'm at my wits end! My 3yr old son laughs when she behaves like this and now is yelling at us/parents. She has no respect for her parents. What do I do?

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Brandy - posted on 11/13/2009

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My kids are both like this. To the extent that they become violent with us. I HIGHLY recommend that you talk to a psychiatrist and have an evaluation done. It sounds like she may have Asperger's or another mental health disorder. My kids both started around 3-5 and they are both on medication to where they can lead mostly normal lives. They are functioning again. Everyday is a battle, however, they can now speak. Please please please, have an evaluation done. I've seen this so many times. Your daughter can't express herself verbally. This is why she is grunting and growling. I beg you to get an evaluation to see if she can get some help. You can get all of your lives back. Pls let me know how it goes. God Bless you!

Jacalyn - posted on 11/16/2009

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I have recently experienced this same thing. My son was diagnosed with ADHD prior to this but we took a medication holiday and ended up with even more behavioral problems. I just recently took him to a therapist and his suggestion was to instill the punishment for the behavior but completely ignore his outbursts while he was being punished. After he is done throwing a temper tantrum and serving his time we can briefly discuss his punishment and ask why he was punished. If he is unable to tell us (as he does know why) then he goes back to "time out". It dramatically changed his behavior in just 4 days. He actually got the hint within the first day and we have had no problems since (knock on wood). This has also made it possible to reward him for positive behavior as we have not been able to do in the past due to all of the outrageous behavior.

Rabecca - posted on 11/16/2009

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There can be a numerous reason for this which can all mimic eachother in one way or another autism, bi polar, ADHD ,ODD, my son was Dx'x at 5 with ADHD and ODD which I really dont think he has the ODD just has issues because of his ADHD with impluse control you need tio have her evaluted what has her teachers said does she show this kind of behavior at school if not it may lye more on the side of ADHD than the others because it can be really environmental my son shows less symtoms at home than at school but really talk to her doctor its important if she does have one of these issues to find her a treatment that works because behavior needs to be untaught as well as taught and the longer it goes on the longer it takes to undo it as well as she may need some medication to help control her actions .

Does she make friends easlily listen stay seated is she agressive does she talk alot how does she sleep do you constanly have to repet your self and still not sure if she heard you can you tell her to do 3 things and they all get done is she overly forgetful is it hard to get her attention if shes waltching tv or consentrating in something she likes these are some indicators of ADHD there are many more so do a little research and if you have any question feel free to ask being a mom whose been there it would have helped me alot to have some to talk to at the time plus my son well for lack of better word loses his mind when he has any foods with red dye in it I mean he really is not my sweet baby hes like a little devil and alot of kids that have these kind of condtions have extreme sensativity to dyes its like it causes there brains to mis fire it is not easly to just remove them you will notice after thinking about what your kids eat it in everything these days cearals catsup tomatoe sauce candies but we noticed a huge inmprovment right off and if we do allow some its on an day where we are going to be home no school no shopping so we dont have to put up with the tasmainan devil in public haha .

prayer helps me lots and alot of times I have to pray for things like patience and wisdom and in the past there was a few why me why my child God but ther truth is God gave me my son who is the love of my life because he knew I would find a way to reach him and find what works he knew I would love that little boy enough to help him and I think I have am will contintue to today we have tried everything hes on medication and has had behavioral theapy for the most part hes just an average little boy he still hasd some things he has to work on everyday like not losing his temper and freaking out and running off for things that seem like no big deal to most people but he can be really sensative and gets mad really easy but hes learing how to manage his reactions and talk about how he feels frist befor just hitting its hard for him but hes doing it and somedays he messes up but fo rthe most part know hes got his emtions under control and for awhile ther I forgot how much I wanted and enjoyed being a mom and now I can feel that joy again

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User - posted on 12/02/2012

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Please tell me more about this...my 9 yr old son is really extreme too, i have had to call police just to get him in my car

Jill - posted on 11/21/2009

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Tanya, has your daughter been to the doctors for ADHD, etc...... my son is 8 years old and has ADHD. we found out when he was 4 years old. He got kicked out of pre-school. He also almost has tantrums daily at school, bus or home. He loves dinosaurs and grunts like them, yells, screams. He blams his sister for things I seen him or know he did. He is on medication for the ADHD. It has helped him. For 2 weeks straight he has had 2 good weeks at school. I'm not saying your daughter has ADHD but I thought you might want to look into it. I understand what you are going through. I am always making excuses for his behavior every where we go, can't take a vacation, and most of the time he has a meltdown in a store. He also talks fresh to us. I tried to punish, take things away, nothing seems to work either. they say start over each day on a clean slate. I think he also has O.D.D. Good luck in what ever action you take!

Carole - posted on 11/16/2009

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First and foremost, get her checked by a doctor. And another one if necessary. And see a counselor/psychiatrist if you think it would help. Maybe family counseling if the little one is starting to copy his sister. Get the behavior on tape, and take it with you; show it without her in the room if possible. Those types of behavior could indicate a medical condition.
Good luck!

Kiva - posted on 11/16/2009

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I think you should take her to the doctor. I know this can be a touchy topic to talk about with your partner or other family members, but your daughter's best interest is the main concern.

Everything will work out in time...be patient, change her diet and stay consistent with the discipline.

Good luck

[deleted account]

I agree with everybody else. you should take her to the dr. we took our son to the doctor after months of going back and forth on weather we should take him. it was the best thing we did. we found out that he has adhd.He is has meds to control it but we also found martial arts helps him control his anger. maybe if is some after program that she like it will help .

Leisa - posted on 11/15/2009

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i dont want to seem mean or insensitive, but you should of nipped this in the butt at age 5, now that she is 9 , she has complete control over the household, and thats not good.did she start this behavior after a traumatic event, divorce, accident, death??you have to find the root of this, its been 4 years now, and obviously, its been a big impact on her, and now she is used to this behavior, how about taking her to church, and having the community pray over her???and if you dont go to church, or pray for your children, you might want to start, if you really want to save your child, going to church and praying, you will be surprised what God can do for u and this child!!! i hope this helps, GOD BLESS!!

Cecily - posted on 11/15/2009

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I'm SO sorry for you, but you need to get PROFFESIONAL help!!! Immediately! You cannot do this on your own. I agree with some of the posts below! Please let us know how your both doing... Everything of the BEST!!!

Leslie - posted on 11/15/2009

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Sorry. I didn't mean to imply that your daughter may have ADD or ADHD. I was trying to make the point that diet plays a lot into a persons behavior. I think people are unfairly marked with a problem when the doctors can't figure out what is going on. I think that the study on this behavior shows that our lifestyle plays a large roll in how we behave. Keep digging and don't give up. I know it's hard but she's your child. She is worth it.

Clare - posted on 11/15/2009

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What do you think set all this off,was there anything that happened? It maybe she needs councilling and a visit to the doc for advice. Ive had behaviour problems too so i know how it feels but you've got it bad by the sounds of it. She needs to find a way to carm down, perhaps diet affecting her behavior maybe e numbers or too much sugar?

Gina - posted on 11/15/2009

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Why is everything ADD or ODD, you know kids are meant to be a handful. Some kids just more than others. My son is not either of these and I see all of these traits in him. He is an exceptionally smart kid and in him this makes him hard to handle. If she is good for everyone else but you, this is not ADD. ADD is there at all times, no matter who they are with or what situation they are in. They can't switch it on.
My second son is nothing like the first, he has the same rules and punishments. It is just the personality. You have to stick with your rules and mean what you say. Be creative. But a little counselling on your part helps you cope with it all.

Angela - posted on 11/14/2009

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Have her talk to the guidance counselor at school, after you talk with them and let them know how she can be. They may be able to help her figure out why she does the things that she does. My ten year old used to do off the wall things, and now that we talk alittle better things have started to change. But i have discovered that he has anger issues, so the guiance counselor put him in a group at school for anger management.Did all this start arounf the time the new nany showed up, maybe shes jealous.

Leslie - posted on 11/14/2009

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You may want to look at her diet. It may sound crazy but excessive sugar and red dye can cause aggression. Studies have found that children with ADHD and ADD have had good results when you change the diet. Also look into alergies with food. That can affect a person also. Definately consult your physician.

Elizabeth - posted on 11/14/2009

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this sounds quite out of control.........too big for you to handle.........find a therapist who is an expert on behavior in your community and have them teach you how to set limits that are going to work.........it does always get worse b4 it gets better and it sounds like she's outlasting all the people that try to help. also you can take her to her pediatrician to see if she has some sort of medical condition that is adding to her not being able to stop. don't try to hide what is happening because you think you will be judged. ask for help and be honest and clear and it will get better and your daughter will thank you in the long run.

Tina - posted on 11/14/2009

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I agree with the other mom's and take your daughter to a specialist. In the mean time....just start recording her behavior by keeping a journal (write down what her diet is like, sleeping patterns, etc...) Have a journal for you and have one that goes back and forth from school/home. I went through this with me son. I had to go to a few doctors to get answers..

[deleted account]

Tanya, i feel your anguish. i am the mother of a 20 yo man. when he was a baby he had such a beautiful smile, contagious laugh and spunk. back then it was cute. as he got older it got worse. he would do every thing i didn't want him to. when he was in Kindergarden, we took him to the dr and he was diagnosed with more than just ADHD. medicine DID work and he was able to concentrate. it was not an immidiate reaction. it's trial and error. spanking doesn't work. say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean. be consistant, praise the good things, no matter how small, the kids really do like to be told they are doing something nice. you also have to make sure you take time for yourself. if your child knows how to push your buttons then they have the power. if you take a break, calm down, take control and return to the situation, level headed. try and see if you can get someone to switch playdates so you can have a break and she will learn to play nicely with others. it's not hard, i always felt like an outcast with my son when he didn't play nice. im here if you ever need to just vent. i wish i had internet when my son was young. good luck and God Bless.

Althea - posted on 11/14/2009

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Have patients with her, she may turn out to be the best one, show her more affection, and dont push the issue. But when she is wrong tell her she is wrong, in a smooth way or dont say anything to her for a while, then when she is calm, put her to sit with you then talk like sisters, about the situation.

Althea - posted on 11/14/2009

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Stop leting her eat candies, show her more love, talk to her softly when she is in a high mood. take her to the Dr. check for diabetes, (sugar level) fasting & randon, ie before eating and after eating.

If you are a born again, Pray over her at night, when she goes to bed, let she hear you call her name when you're Praying. Sometimes it can be generation curse!!!! ( We dont know what our ansesters do before our time)

Joy - posted on 11/14/2009

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I have an 11 yr old that has been giving me similar problems. She is very smart but is not doing her school work and we have been totally un-able to get her to cooperate around the house with her chores and even just to join in with the family. She is the middle child and just moved back into my house 2 1/2 yrs ago and now her father is getting divorced. From my experience I find that a lot of the issues in girls this age begins with insecurity. She has started playing the trumpeet this yr which I think gives her something to be proud of and allows people to see her excel at things without being the center of attention.
I also recently sat down with her and had a long talk with her letting her know that I was diappointed with how she was doing at home and how she was getting along with everyone but then I talked with her for a long time about how great she was (pointing out all the things she was good at and how special she is to us) from this conversation alone I have seen a vast improvement. Some kids just really need a lot of extra love and attention. I will also say that consistancy is key. You have to stick with whatever system you believe in and they will eventually adjust.
I am also currently having her evaluated for ADD because after our conversation she told me she felt she was struggling with some things that made me think that could be part of her problem. If this is the case with your daughter you might have to adjust things is ways and in time frames that are less frustrating to her. good luck.

Rose - posted on 11/14/2009

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I think the fact that she behaves well at school shows she knows exactly what she's doing. I think she's winding you up simply because she can. She obvioulsy knows what buttons to push with you. All kids play their parents up, I did it myself and my 9 year old son does it too. To be honest I think you need to get tough with her, bring in certain rules and be prepared to stand your ground in order to enforce them. If she insists on having the last word then by all means let her have it, just make sure she knows you're not listening to her when she says it! Our angel would walk all over us if we let him so we don't. If she throws a tantrum let her throw it, ignore it as far as possible. If she runs out in the street grab her by the arm and haul her back in again! Once she realises that the bad behaviour won't be tolerated she'll get tired of it. It might take a while but I wouldn't be too quick to assume she has some sort of syndrome or condition. She might just need a more disciplined environment.

Vicky - posted on 11/13/2009

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I hate to sound like a horrible person, but if you have tried everything and it hasn't worked then you might need to stop threatening to call the cops and just do it, that way she will see that you mean Buisness and that they will come and get her. Because you don't want to loose her to Juvie and if she has been doing this since she was 5 years old it might take that... From what it sounds like if you don't get it under control you are going to have another one on your hands......But if that don't work you can always try calling Supernanny she seems to work miricles on some pretty aweful kids.... Sorry

[deleted account]

Hello all,
I know exactly how some of you feel. I have a 14 year old stepson who has been living in our home since June 2005. He was diagnosed with extreme ADHD and bi-polar and a low IQ of 68.
He was taking Adderall and Risperdal.
This child has made living in my own home a daily nightmare.
He lies, steals, throws a temper tantrum like a 2 year old, hits himself and others (including me, he has hit me 4 times in the last year and pushed me down once).
Then about 6 months ago he lost all medical coverage (his mom was court ordered to provide it back in 2005 and to date still hasn't).
His teachers are having problems at school with him talking constantly and not staying in his seat etc. but over all home life is less violent since stopping the meds.
This child is very destructive. He gets gifts for Christmas or birthdays and within 2 weeks to a month they have all been thrown away due to him breaking them.
We have a no tv watch for him cause everytime we let him watch tv he throws a HUGE fit when we tell him it's time to shower and go to bed.We have tried for the last 4 years to give him chance after chance after chance and it's always the same.
He thinks he should be able to do what he wants when he wants.
He told lies to the school counselor that while at his mom's one summer that his brothers did stuff to him in a sexual way... there was a big investigation and it was all a HUGE lie!
This child seems to have no remorse. He has been found abusing animals.
I mean I literally think I am living with the next Charles Manson or someone like him!.
All I keep thinking is I just have a few more years.
I fear what it will be like as he continues to get stronger. I feel he might kill me.
I have started calling the cops when he gets violent. The last time they told him if he hits me again they will take him away.
I feel like they don't want to do anything about him. I actually asked one of the cops if he had to kill me before they would do something about him. He basically just shrugged and then they left.
I am pretty much at my wits end. When he had in home therapists coming to our home they just wanted to blame me for his behaviors because I am the stop mom and I tell them no cause he did this when he lived with his mom!!!
God bless all other moms experiencing the same type of things. I can really feel for you!

Paula - posted on 11/13/2009

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I can not urge you enough to go to your family doctor and tell them what is going on. How is school? Have they also recommend testing and are they having these problems there? Contact your school to start having her evaluted by the Special Education Dept. to see if they see Autism. Autism can take awhile for the a lot of the symptoms to show. They do not happen all at once so some children are miss diagnosed. Please get help right away, and start with the school and your concerns. They should be seeing it there.

Tina - posted on 11/13/2009

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By chance was she tested for ADHD? My daughter was like this including the tantrums, the screaming, grunts and growls. She was doing poorly in school and we determined that she had ADHD. She is now on medication and is a different child.

Jodie - posted on 11/13/2009

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Go to a Dr. and get some help for yourself. Go to a spa and pamper yourself. Have your family members take care of the kids for a day. You need to take care of yourself too. Also think about the food you give her. Limit the sugar. I know this may sound strange but not too much red meat. My prayers for you and the family.
STAY STRONG!

Maggie - posted on 11/13/2009

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I don't know but I was a really difficult kid to punish when I was about, oh, 10-12. I was going through a HORRIBLE nightmare at school. I was relentlessly bullied and had no one in my class to pair up with in assignments. I was always the last one to get picked for anything. I never told my mom about the bullying because I was too humiliated. Eventually, my mother put me in a 2 week mental health program and it really helped, mostly because people were nice to me and there was no emotional abuse. Please make sure she's ok at school. There might be something going on that you or the teachers don't know about.

Tanya - posted on 11/13/2009

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For more background info, she's a smart girl but manipulative. She does well in school.. She behaves nicely everywhere else but home. Her teacher wrote on her most recent report card that she's an asset to the class. She's even shy. When she was younger, I tried putting her in dance class and wanted to put her in gymnastics but she didn't like being center of attention even if we stayed with her (age 4-5). Most of the time her punishments are to be sent to her room and to go to bed early. I feel like she's in there all the time. I even made up a chart that directed her every waking minute to avoid any devient behavior (i.e. get up, brush teeth, do homework, relax, snack, etc.). If she did the morning, afternoon, and evening routines well with little fuss then she would get a plastic coins. The coins went toward little rewards like ice cream, movie night, mommy painting her fingernails, dinner with dad, etc. She got bored with that after about 2 months. She's not violent, just relentless. She always has to have the last word. When we tell her to do something she back talks every time even for simple stuff like go clean your room or put your clothes in the laundry room. She was an only child (and first grandchild) until she was 6. Before the economic crisis we used to do things like go to the movies, go to the store and buy any toy under $15, go bowling, etc. We recently moved out of our home state a year ago to a place we could afford to live and to the beach. Any other kid would love to live at the beach. She keeps saying she wants to move back to be fam but my sis-in-law and her 4 kids are here and truth-be-told we see my family more now-just about every other month. For counseling, I'm going to have to secretly catch her on video b/c she's shy every where else. I just don't want her ending up like my sisters who have no ambition, cheat, lie, and steal. Could it be some hereditary chemical imbalance?

Valerie - posted on 11/13/2009

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I am a parenting coach and would like to help you. The most important thing I can tell you first is that the language you speak is powerful and I would like to help you to speak the language of virtues to acknowledge guide and correct behavior. If you are interested in my help I will share my contact information with you.

Coretta - posted on 11/13/2009

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I am thinking like everyone else, is she doing this at school also? If she is the school should have done something by now, however if she is just doing this with you, then I think this behavior can be controlled. Once you figure out what type of discipline or punishment will affect her, you must be consistant with it. Good luck.

Socorro - posted on 11/13/2009

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Try to have her examined by her pediatrician or a psychiatrist. There must be some problems with her because that is unusual.

Ashley - posted on 11/13/2009

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My 7yr old son is the same way. He has o.d.d. He is not on any medication because I do not believe in medicating my child, but he has a behavior counsler that comes twice a week. Once at school during lunch, and once at home for family. He also has crisis time where if something really big is going on and we or the school needs help dealing with him he can come right away. He teaches my son tools he needs to better learn how to control his behavior and the problems he faces on a daily basis. He teaches me during family time how to better deal with and gain some control on the situations that arrise. We have been working togather for about 8 months and it is going great. This has helped us alot as a family. I want nothing more than to see my son be able to learn how to control his behavior so he can succed father in life as im sure you do your daughter. Anyway just a thought if you have any type of programs like this where you live, to check into it. I know that it is saving us.

Diana - posted on 11/13/2009

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Please have her tested. This sounds like high function Asperger's or autism to me. I also ask the question, 'is she doing this for everyone or just at home?' If it's going on at school, someone is not doing their job because you should've been notified and recommended to a psychologist a long time ago.

Tammy - posted on 11/13/2009

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I am a mother of four and one of my children have autism. Point blank, you can't do it alone, you may have to find a behavioral therapist. I found that my son had autism when i went to one, the thing is he didn't fit the description i heard about. They can help you and show you what to do. I found out quickly that it upsets my kids to know i am disappointed in them. Have you tried to tell them they have hurt your feelings and that your upset with them such as mommy is disappointed in you. Then when they do something good reward them with positive behavior they see its awesome and they tend to not lash out or misbehave as much because they like the rewards they get when they do something good. I have been where you are and i hope it gets better for you and your child.

Jacky - posted on 11/13/2009

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I know what u r talking about.I have an 8yr. old that likes 2 b a complete terror at times, I actually take him 2 c doctors 4 it because I can not take it anymore.He is the same way,he was diagnosed w/ ADHD by 4 different drs. just by doing certain testing on his behavior.I am not saying your child has anything and please do not take this the wrong way but maybe u should take her 2 get tested for things that can lead 2 this behavior, I trust in the word of GOD more than anything,I believe he has also given people the knowledge 2 help also.Who knows it could b just an attention getter because of the baby.Well I hope u can find out the problem may b,I will pray 4 u 2 have the patients u need 2 deal w/ this situation.GOD BLESS!

Sherry - posted on 11/13/2009

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I know you said you tried taking things away...but when my daughter was 9, she acted the SAME way! I literally took everything out of her room except for her bed. No toys, no t.v., no books, NOTHING! It may sound harsh, but in the end-it worked! Don't get me wrong- it will be quite the job for you, but if you want this to stop, you have to do it! Everything she enjoyed, I took. Phone, friends, etc. You have to stick to it though, it can't just be for one day, it has to be until you see improvement. Other punishments you could do is make her do chores! Anytime she back talks-give her a chore & tell her it's her consequence for bad behavior. Good luck...

[deleted account]

Im confused? Is your daughter not talking? I she doing this in school? or is she doing it just to you and your husband?

Brieana - posted on 11/13/2009

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Get a psychological evaluation asap. She may need medication and psychotherapy. The sooner you get a diagnosis the better, especially since it's probably going to get worse. It may seem overwhelming, but you can do this!

Sharalyn - posted on 11/13/2009

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Tell her that her behavior is not acceptable and if she is going to act in such a manner she has to do so alone in her room and until she knows how to act she will not be allowed with the family. Also give her two options that you have chosen and are comfortable with and let her 'pick them'. She'll think she is in control of the choices she made because you only gave her two. Well all else fails, leave her in the room and let her know that you will not reward bad behavior. Hope this helps.

Chrystal - posted on 11/13/2009

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Time for some tough love I have had to do this and it rips your heart out as a parent, is there a Behavioral Health unit where you live? when she is in one of her tantrums call the crisis number they will send someone to your home. And they might have you take her for a temp (couple of days)To moniter their behavior you may find out she has bipolarWhich is what i found out) and she may need to be put on meds.I didn't like this either. However as the meds started working My son got better. But he also got sent away for seven months for his violence in our behavioral unit. Yes it was heartbreaking but i did it for him and he is now 15 and thanking me for it his attitude and moods turned around 360 degrees. And I am glad i did it. She might not b able to control it. Make sure you have a good family support you will need itA remember you are doing this for her.

Marie - posted on 11/13/2009

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i dont wnt to sound silly but have u taken her to docs and explained them all behaviour problems..i have pushed and pushed with my son since he was 4 and now he is 11 we have been told he has o.d.d . u know deep down as a parent that something is not right and u just have to keep on at docs because it really affects ur life..u dread going out with them or argue with ur partner.please let me know ...xxx

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