Help my Blended Family!!!!!

Angelina - posted on 05/17/2016 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Hello. I am not sure how to put this without sounding like Mother Dearest! I am so frustrated and stressed out at this point, so here goes my newly founded family lifestyle. I was a single mother for about 2 years, with my 2 boys who are now 9 & 11. I met a wonderful man with 2 children of his own, ages 3 & 8. At first our blended family was the best thing ever, it seemed to go so smoothly. Now......it seems to be a train wreck at times! My 2 boys have some adjusting issues they have dealt with, not to say they are angels. At first my 2 boys give attitude and have talked back to their stepfather, which I have addressed their behavior each time. Now, I feel that my 2 boys are doing much better with their stepfather, they talk to him more and give less attitude, not to say their attitude is completely diminished because it's not. On the other hand my 3 year old step and 8 year old step daughter come with us every weekend and I am having a hard time with enjoying their presence! I battle myself from knowing I am the adult and they are innocent children that deserve the best of both worlds, to me not even wanting to deal with them. My 3 year old step son always cries and throws fits when he doesn't get his way, he's constantly being bullied by his sister (my SD), She will lie all the time when she makes him cry and turns it back on him. She never takes responsibility for her actions and is shockingly quick to cover her actions with a lie or blame it on her little 3 year old brother. It is coming to the point where she will be in her room, across the hall from our bedroom, and text her dad that she's bored or whatever it may be instead of coming to our room. Her father and I were playing rock paper scissors the other night, yeah we are total geeks when it comes to that. We play rock paper scissors to see who loses and has to do something the other doesn't want to do. Well I lost, and left the room, not even 2 mins later my SD calls her dad from our room to hers and asks to play rock paper scissors, which he did and is great, and then she asks to sleep on our floor (which we never have allowed that with any of our children). She constantly talks like a little baby, and it's frustrating. I get that she is seeking attention, but I need help as I feel she is seeking it in a negative manner. I want to correct her behavior without her dad being on the defense! I don't want her thinking it's ok to act that way. I want to assist her in becoming an independent strong little lady. Any suggestions/Advise? Whew...I never knew it would be so complicated with a blended family! I love my significant other and we have an amazing life together, I just need to get these children in line and not allow them to play us against each other like their puppets...

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Angelina - posted on 05/17/2016

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And I get the constant daily battles, I'm just not used to how things are going. I want to be very close with my SD like I am with my step son. I'm not sure if she is trying to get her father and her mother to parent like I do with my 2 boys. But everyone parents different. I just don't want her to struggle when she gets older or have more problems in school than she already does with not listening and talking to her peers. I really don't know what else to do without coming off as a mean stepmother. Thank you for your suggestions.

Dove - posted on 05/17/2016

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My 8 year old son and I are in constant battles... EVERY day. The only time we don't battle is if I let him do whatever he wants. lol

If her mom doesn't want her nails painted... you should probably find another activity to do together. Maybe play a game? Go out for ice cream? Etc....

Dove - posted on 05/17/2016

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Probably the same way I can give advice to other people on all sorts of issues... yet my own home is a mess. lol

Angelina - posted on 05/17/2016

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You know, I never thought of video taping her and showing him! :) I will give that a try. Thank you for the suggestion, I am not sure why I haven't thought of that one on my own

Angelina - posted on 05/17/2016

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I have tried to build more of a friendship with my step kids. I have taken my SD with me to stores with me and to the nail saloon. While at the nail saloon she would not sit still and would run a muck, just as she does in any store I take her to. Her and I got our nails done and spent alone time with each other. Then not even a week later she had her nail polish peeled completely off and said her mom made her do it. I know it's not her fault, but I was really frustrated because it was what she wanted. I feel bad because when I do take her places, I feel that I am constantly correcting her behavior when it's just her and I but I refuse to allow her to think it's ok to act that way. I never allowed my 2 boys to run a muck in any public place nor would I allow my step children to do the same. I will offer to do her nails at home, and she just picks at them and can't sit still. I get more of a reaction out of my 3 year old than I do her. She's at the " I don't know" stage and can't seem to get out of it. We have busted her in lies after lies and have explained to her why lying is a bad idea, but we can't seem to break it the revolving door. I don't see how she can be such a great liar at age 8, not to sound too harsh because I care and love this little girl, or I wouldn't be on here seeking advise to help correct her behavior.

Dove - posted on 05/17/2016

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Could you possibly video her behavior and show it to him when she's not there? I'm not really sure what else to suggest other than speaking to a counselor that knows about blended family situations.

Angelina - posted on 05/17/2016

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In August it will be 2 years. We have not tried counseling yet. At first our conversations about the kids would go really terrible, where both he and I would become defensive really quick and then just shut down on each other. Now we are able to discuss it a little more, but somehow I think he still falls back into guilt parenting with my SD. I have laid off of having any involvement in disciplining them what so ever so he can't say that I am nit picking them. But I will not allow them to run wild in our home and destroy things, if that makes sense? I am trying to put the disciplinary part on him, but he seems to not be able to do it.
He will discipline the 3 year old more often than my SD, who's 8. It's to the point where I see what she does to him, and I will tell him what I seen, but she still seems to get no consequence what so ever. She constantly bullies him and makes him cry, how do I get him to see past the baby talk and pouty faces and discipline her? I have never treated her poorly and I never will as she is an innocent child. Nor have I ever suggested that he spank them.

Dove - posted on 05/17/2016

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Family counseling might be a bit beneficial for you all. You both have to be on the same page as far as rules and consequences go... and he needs to be willing to stick w/ it.

Have you sat down w/ him and talked about your concerns? What was the outcome of that conversation?

How long have the two of you been married?

The 3 year old's behavior is VERY normal for a kid at 3... add in the upheaval to his family and it's totally to be expected. A lot of patience and consistency should help him out... but expect it to take quite a bit of time as well.

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