Victoria - posted on 09/27/2015 ( 1 mom has responded )
Hi all, I am feeling quite desperate and need to get myself together.
About a year ago when my daughter was 5, she came home from spending a weekend at her dad's. Previously she spent very little time with him but he suddenly became more involved in her life, which I was happy about since he had been absent for so long. She told me she had been "massaging" her dad's "peepee" which is what she calls her privates. I talked about it with her dad, and didn't put much thought into it... I allowed her to stay at his place one more time which I think was the biggest mistake I made. My daughter again was making these comments, to her this was nothing bad, she talked about it like a stroll in the park, I had not previously spoken to her about bad vs good touching. I began to ask her questions about it, like what he was wearing, if she knew what it looked like? felt... She described him being in his underwear and doing it over them so she didn't see it, but she said it felt "squishy". I jumped online and looked for a therapist near me, in my mind she was going to go to therapy and the therapist would say it's just something she said and not to worry about it, I informed her father of what I was going to do, I told him he could still see her but just to be safe he could only visit while I was around and not take her, he was upset about this, told me how could I ever think he was capable of such a thing and so on. We had that arrangement for several months. Until her father mentioned to me that the therapist had told him that she believed him to be a great father, that my daughter did not even need the therapy and that she was unsure of why I was even taking her to therapy, he also suggested that I change her therapist. There had been several incidences before this where I caught him whispering to her and asking her what she had been telling her "feelings doctor". Everything just didn't seem right, he had never even met her therapist in person, and even if the therapist had that perception of him it seemed too unprofessional for her to actually do that. I asked the therapist about it on my daughters next visit. She told me she never said that to dad, that he had been calling her over and over again, leaving voicemails, showing up to her office unannounced until she had to tell him to stop. This made me very suspicious, I had not really asked my daughter about the incidents again, by this time she was well aware of bad touching vs good touching. I talked to my daughter, she once again disclosed what happened but in a very reluctant way, I talk to the therapist about it, but she doesn't disclose to the therapist. I cut off communication with her father after this. 7 months after doing this I get served with child custody and support papers. He has been calling the therapist to see if my daughter has disclosed anything. I recently had a few talks with my now 6 year old about the subject. She started to say this never happened, then got really angry and said she hated when I asked her about it because it brought the memory back to her head. I told her it was good to talk about her feelings, and she asked if talking about it would make the memory disappear... but what gets me is that she changes the story, sometimes she says as the first time before she knew it was bad, that her dad asked her to massage him there, and sometimes she says it was an accident. So far she has supervised visitations with him by court order while the case gets going. I just fear that I am doing the wrong thing. I don't want her father to be punished and taken out of her life if nothing happened and this was all a lie from my daughter, but I am also afraid that it's not a lie and nothing happens. I need advice in talking with her, and making sure she is telling the truth, it's very very very hard on me. I can't sleep thinking about this. The times she's disclosed to me she is very descriptive of the event, she says they were both sitting on the couch watching futbol when it happened, she's also said that her dad told her if she told I wouldn't love her anymore and I would leave and go very far away, but the times where she says it was an accident and I ask her why she said otherwise, she says she doesn't know why she said that. I just don't know if it was an accident where did she get these ideas? I need help coping with this, I am going crazy with all this and don't know how to handle it or how to talk to her. Please any advice is appreciated.