HELP!!!! My husband wants all of his children to move in with us!!!

22with2 - posted on 06/20/2013 ( 38 moms have responded )

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I am a 22 year old mother of 2 young girls. I also am married to an older man who has 4 other children
with ages that vary from 4-14!!!!!! I am extremely depressed because ever since November 2012 I have not been able to get comfortable in my own home or any quiet time and its about to get even worse.
-11/2012 child #1 moves in and wants to stay attend high school but has just moved back with mom
-06/2013 child #2 wants to visit for the summer but now wants to stay here and attend middle school
-06/2013 child #3 wants to move in and attend high school
-and depending on the situation child #1 wants to move back in
OKAY So heres the deal im 22 with 2 kids of my own, but i really dont want to be bothered wit hmy husbands kids..he's always working so that must mean they are around me all day every day until they leave my house.
So now i will be having to cook, listen, or care for all of these skids(stepkids) who are not mine
they complain too much, talk too much, and to be honest i wouldnt mind if they visit for the summer, but my husband says that would make him very happy if ALL of his kids can live together with us...I dont know what to do...ive tried praying about it and also talking to him about it but-he has told me if i dont want his kids there then he will find someplace else to live-which is a divorce!-i dont know who to talk to or what to do..its seems like a very huge burden on me..i am sad very often because i am basically FORCED to deal with this if i want to stay married. i dont go out, im just stuck at home with his kids....i have to sneak and go places so his kids wont ask to go..i need sum peace sumtimes. and if i dont take or ask his kids to go they get upset and asks me why i didnt want them to go, but i never see him take his kids anywhere with him
I NEED HELP with this situation, because if i dont fix this now i only have 2 OPTIONS
1.DIVORCE
2. FOR THE NEXT 8 YEARS I WILL BE GOING INsane

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Angela - posted on 06/25/2013

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For everyone who's saying "You knew he had 4 kids before you married him ...." OK - she knew he had kids - but did she agree that she would take on the day-to-day parenting of these kids before she married him? Did she agree that they could move in? Did the 2 of them even DISCUSS his children and how the living arrangements would be before they married?

My guess is no! He didn't raise it because he didn't want her running for the hills. She didn't raise it because it probably didn't occur to her and she probably believed (quite reasonably) that the mothers of those children weren't likely to relinquish the care of their children to their father. From what 22with2 has posted one of the mothers has even encouraged her child to give stepmother a hard time with the aim of splitting her up from her husband!

It's all very well telling 22with2 to "grow up" etc .... But her spouse, at 15 years older than her doesn't seem to have behaved very honourably himself. He's ensured she's a mother within a pretty short time and at home with 2 small daughters. Now he wants his other kids living with them. She's at home all day as a stay-at-home-mother - so is he thinking that at home with 2 kids isn't much different to at home with 6 kids? Did he deliberately marry someone a lot younger because she may be easier to manipulate? How willing is he to pitch in and do parental duties himself? If he's been with her since she was 18 (or possibly younger) that's 4 years. She mentions in her opening post that the youngest step child is 4 - so what was he doing pursuing a relationship with her when he had a small baby with his previous partner?

How many ex-partners/wives/baby mothers has he got - I'm assuming there's two of them? 22with2 describes him as her "husband" so I'm thinking that he's legally married to HER - but was he ever legally married to the other women he had children with?

QUOTE: "he has told me if i dont want his kids there then he will find someplace else to live-which is a divorce!" From the way this is worded, I almost get the impression that the home you share was YOURS first, 22with2? If he's talking about someplace else to live then he evidently is happy for you to keep the current home!

Furthermore, I'm sure he knows that the children he has with YOU stay with you. So to me his ultimatum is a roundabout way of saying he prefers his 4 older children to your 2 little ones.

Get talking to him. I have an awful suspicion that this relationship is NOT on equal terms. If you do decide to take in those children, Ruby Manhard gives great advice in her post below. The kids have to understand rules and give a hand with household tasks. I would even have them signing some kind of agreement - their Dad too!

If he won't discuss and negotiate with you and insists that those kids are moving in and you just have to "get on with it" then I would be leaving him. He does not have the right to insist you take over the parenting of his other children if it's not something the 2 of you discussed and agreed to before marriage. Remind him that you're NOT a professional, career mother and you never aspired to be - you want a career of your own. Tell him you planned this for when your 2 youngest were in full time school and an extra 4 offspring in the house will make it far more difficult. Never feel that because he earns the money he holds all the cards. The fastest way of letting him see that he doesn't call the shots is to make him understand you're NOT bound to him simply because he earns the cash! Don't let money do the talking. Stand up for yourself.

Annie - posted on 06/24/2013

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You have many more options than just those two.
3. Talk to your husband about this marriage being a partnership. That's what you signed up for. A decision with this much impact on the entire family needs to be made with the agreement of both partners. Give him a reality check (calmly or course) about your current responsibilities to your two young daughters. How much of your time and attention they deserve at this point in their lives. Tell him that you simply cannot add to what you are already doing to give your children and your husband the home you all cherish.
4. Go to couples counseling. A licences MFT (Marriage and Family Therapist) will facilitate the conversation and help you find the confidence and the words to express to your husband. This will empower you to say what your husband needs to hear. (assuming that he is open to going to counseling.)
If he is unwilling to go to counseling then...
5. Make an appointment with an MFT and go on your own! The therapist will help you recognize that you deserve to be heard and that there is more to marriage than making your husband "happy."
I hope this helps.

Susan - posted on 06/23/2013

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The poor girl know he has 4 children of his own. Whats so wrong with them livin with their own mother and stayin at holidays ect?? If the fatger qants the kids to movw in he should be givin them the time and attention they need and deserve from a father nt just dropped on top of this poor girl. Im sure they are all lovely children to have around and if it is decided they all move in it should be her decision to nt just his. Hes tellin her if they dont move in it could all end in divorce!! Thats nt very fair he sounds like he is def wearin the trousers and its nt 50/50 as it should be in a marriage. I really hope for everyone sake expecially the children it can all be worked out. It sounds very stressful for everyone apart from dad in that household :(

Alisha - posted on 06/24/2013

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I have two step daughters. One of which is eighteen and flunked college. She is living with us. I have had so many martial problems with my current husband. Only because of the tension between her and I. It is so frustrating. I lean on the Lord for strength a lot. I have been to counseling too for it. I would suggest to schedule some counseling sessions with you and your husband before they get there. You will have so much less stress if you do. I try to think of my stepdaughter as a niece. I don't confront her or discipline her at all. Everything that goes on with her goes to my husband only. I will pray for you. Remember just love them :)

Kristi - posted on 06/24/2013

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At risk of sounding completely catty...37/22...multiple ex-wives/baby-mamas, 4 kids, a couple probably not much older than you...too many dollar signs get in the way of reality before you said I do? Now you've got some buyer's remorse because you're not just a trophy wife anymore, you actually have to earn his money...Well, it's time to put you're big girl thong on and be a grown-up. You're lucky a few moms had some helpful suggestions...try them. I'm with the other moms who feel sorry for the kids who are being played and bitched about and ignored by the so-called grown-ups in their lives.

38 Comments

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Jodi - posted on 03/25/2014

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@ Maggie. Whenever you marry someone with children, you are also taking on their children. Your opinion won't matter. You had your choice when you married him.

Maggie - posted on 03/25/2014

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I'm facing this same prob my husband wants to bring his four kids aged 24,18,13,5 children of three different mothers to stay with us .i don't think I'll be able to bear this.he hasn't asked my opinion yet but he always mentions it in dialogue

Jen - posted on 03/23/2014

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I just wouldn't. If it was messed up...and he's allowing his son's inappropriate behavior.

Jen - posted on 03/23/2014

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Doesn't sound like you have a choice. If you're already that far apart......follow your instincts. Trust your gut.

Sarah - posted on 06/26/2013

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Maybe the kids just need a good role model and support. I moved in with my step-mom when I was 10 and she hated having us live with her. It was horrible for me, from 11 to 18 I was miserable and lonely and felt like I wasn't wanted in my own home. Remember, you married your husband knowing that he already had children. You can't just have him, you have to accept his children as well. I know that this is going to be a hard time for you, but you just have to be strong. Be firm about the rules of your house. Try to make time to get to know these kids, you may end up really enjoying having them around. Encourage all of the children to have a sense of family with one another. Having older kids around that you can trust can be a huge asset, they can eventually take on some of the responsibility for the younger children, which will ease your stress and allow you to get the free time you desire.

Rita - posted on 06/23/2013

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Hello there mom. I can understand your situation. Both of you need to sit down and talk about it. Its not just about him. What about your own happiness?? Well if he can't talk that means he doesn't respect you mom.

I had the same problem too. But its only with communication we can solved the problems. ..
Me and husband talked about that. First he didn't want to listen, but I told him. I will leave and take my kids because I work.

Talk first to your husband, see what he says . If he thinks its not important, then you will have to act. You know why? Men cant take care of their kids while working. So women thread them to get them listen to us.

22with2 - posted on 06/23/2013

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Thank all of u for ur comments and suggestions.. i have bonded with my step kids bt having movie night and making fruit smoothies...i really don't have an actual idsue with my s_kids its jus that my husbands exs have dropped them off on mee the father works alk day almost every day. i already have 2 and now there are 5...ppk keep saying stop being selfish .i dnt think I'm selfish u jus feel overwhelmed and LONELY i have no friends bcuz they have no children and they jus dnt cum around ne more my husband works all day and i feel depressed every day...but i know something will give one day

Redragdoll21 - posted on 06/23/2013

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I too am married to a man 6 years older than me who has 6 kids from a previous marriage. We have 50/50 custody so I can tell you first hand that you shouldn't necessarily freak out. It's definitely an adjustment to say the least. I have no children of my own yet. Here if ya need to talk.

Cortni Hogan - posted on 06/22/2013

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Wow..ok..im going to stay neutral on this one soheres what i wanna say...i agree that u did indeed marry this older man knowing he has kids..no matter the ages..u knew..i also understand ur young and want some time to yourself..BUT...sweetie you married into what alot of men call "baggage" and when we marry we never know the things that will come our way so my advice is you ALL need to really sit down and talk and you need to express all that youve said on here to them...and btw-u said when u go places they wanna go...well just my opnion but i think thats a great way to get to know them and it shows they apparently like you so just stay calm and have a long talk about ur feelings bc in a relationship..THERE ARE ALWAYS OPTIONS! Stick it out for now..im sure itll all be fine and youll be ok :-)

Sarah - posted on 06/22/2013

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It really sounds like you don't want to divorce your husband so lets try to problem solve. You really have to get the kids on your side. Your husband loves them so at the very least you have to tolerate them ... but you may find that if you try to get along with them your life will get easier. Why don't you offer to teach one of the older ones how to cook their favourite meal. Then the child will be happy they are getting something nice and you are getting help. For a little while kill them with kindness. They might end up on your side and help you with the younger kids.
When you need your me time, explain that you need some time just for yourself but bring back a little treat for the kids, some popcorn and a movie you could watch together.
You're right they're not your kids but they sound like they are in a sucky situation and you could provide them with stability and a safe haven. I would be touched that they wanted to stay with me.
Do the lemons/lemonade thing. Hope things work out for you and all the kids

Ev - posted on 06/22/2013

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I have to agree. How old is your husband? You said he has teenagers. YOu were once so try to think or be in their shoes. As they others said you married him knowing he had the kids and all. Your only options are what you said. It seems you have answered your own questions.

A - posted on 06/22/2013

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Kelly, um what? She married him knowing he has kids- is he not supposed to be a dad to them cause her feelings are hurt. Selfish.

Oh yea it is not her life, it is their life- that is what happens when you get married.

Kelly - posted on 06/22/2013

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Oh wow thats not right he needs to keep his children to his self not drag them into your life yeesh tell him "NO"!! Take ur kids and say no other kids are gonna surround my life i work at Brunos in New Carlsle im not tj

Ruby - posted on 06/22/2013

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Ok time to have a sit down family discussion with husband and kids. To work out boundaries and limits. Voicing concerns, and working together to solve these problems.

In said family sit down with husband and kids you need to flat out say we all need to agree on a time of day that I have 1 hour to myself with out mom this and mom that. Which means honey I know your tired after work, but I need your help and cooperation in this matter. I need 1 hour to myself a day that you have all the kids so I can recollect myself. Even if that's when the kids are in bed and he has to wait an extra hour for playtime with you. Which means his turn for the stories, I need a glass of water, I need to go potty etc.

Time to also start assigning chores to the children according to age. (This works best with a incentive at the end of the week like going swimming, to the park, the animal shelter to pet the animals and play with them, etc. It doesn't have to cost money. Keep reminding them of the incentive and what they want from it.) One of those chores should be who is helping to cook dinner, clear the table, wash the dishes, put the dishes away. Don't just assign one always assign two to the chores and rotate them or you will end up with resentment. Have older children help younger children. Don't always stick the oldest ones with the youngest. That will also cause resentment, the key is constant rotation. Also rotation of yourself helping the kids with chores will help with positive bonding experiences. I have step children myself. Lead alone growing up my mom went coo coo banana's for a while so I ended up raising my sisters and brother. This is how I've lived through it.

It takes a bit to work out a working system customized to you and your family situation but you will get there with communication. Don't be afraid when your overwhelmed during the day to flat out say ok kids I'm putting myself in time out yes they'll laugh go take five in the bathroom a closet your bedroom. Let them go haywire for those few minutes, but always make them clean up there mess and it'll stop in time cuz they don't want to clean up. And you'll feel a little calmer to.

But above all always make sure you and husband are on the same page. Have weekly sit-downs with husband and with the whole family, So things get out on the table and everything starts working together. Not only does it reduce your stress but it reduces the husbands stress along with the children's. If you have ever heard the saying if mom ain't happy then nobody is happy it's true. When your stressed and depressed they will feel that tension, which makes things worse.

Oh and don't let things in house work aka Laundry stack up it only takes two seconds to put something away or throw a load of laundry in, have the older kids help with the folding and putting things away. Give the little ones the wash cloths the hand towels and various other little things to help fold. That will reduce your overall work load. Organization is a must with your time.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 06/21/2013

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Sorry, ms 22...you married a man with children.

If you were to divorce, and remarry, you would be bringing your children into the new relationship and wanting, no, EXPECTING your new spouse to accept your children, love them, nurture them, etc.

You would be flat out pissed off if he didn't.

Grow up. YOu married into a family of 4 children, and you honestly expect their father to blithely ignore their emotional health just because you might have to parent a little more than you are ready for?

"They complain too much, talk too much..." methinks YOU complain too much, my dear.

"me time" is not an unreasonable request. Requesting that you never be burdened with his children is extremely unreasonable and childish.

A - posted on 06/21/2013

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Also, in your original post you said you have two young kids, not that you are your husband together have two young kids- so we are left to guess that they are your kids from a previous relationship- which is why we assumed that. But also, you do need to grow up a bit. They are your husband's kids and your step-kids. If you love your husband and want to stay married then you will accept them as well.

Dove - posted on 06/20/2013

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No kidding you stated those options.... We can't help you grow up and deal with your husband and accept his kids. YOU are the only one that can do that. I suggest counseling... and maturity.

22with2 - posted on 06/20/2013

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Thanks ur right and i.actually stated those options in MY ORIGINAL POST...i am asking for help on how to deal with the situation

Dove - posted on 06/20/2013

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I only read part of the op and no responses yet, but I only have one answer. If you weren't willing to take on all these kids as if they were your own.... you were a fool to marry the man. What would the kids (and you) do if their mother died and they HAD to move in? I'm sorry it's hard on you, but you need to either get over it and find a way to handle this.... or leave.

22with2 - posted on 06/20/2013

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No the prob was that the child was disibedient and did npt wqnt to listen bcause i was only 18...i.can care less about ur sympathy and during that time it was only 1 child who was very disrespectful

Firebird - posted on 06/20/2013

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Why would you ever marry a man with four kids if you weren't ok with the idea of them all moving in with you? What if something happened to their mothers and your husband had no choice but to take his kids?

"one of my husbands exs knew i had a prob wit her kids " Why would you marry him if you knew you had a problem with his kids? You'll get no sympathy from me, but those kids sure do.

22with2 - posted on 06/20/2013

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Also this plot started in nov of last year
One ex told her son that she wud make sure i left so she told her son to keep doing wat he has been doing to keep me upset..but...they denied every thing when my husband asked them..so i feel very frustrated at this point

22with2 - posted on 06/20/2013

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I still don't think its fair..and its more than u think...one of my husbands exs knew i had a prob wit her kids when i was 18 so now both exs are plotting to break us up by forcibg their children on me they knw he works a lot and that i prob wud nt like the ideal of watching their kids

22with2 - posted on 06/20/2013

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I understand wat every one is saying but we have kids together so they're not MY KIDS they're OUR KIDS

Sarah - posted on 06/20/2013

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In my opinion you married him knowing he had four kids and knowing the kids. You choose the situation. My first response is to stop complaining and deal. This is the life you choose. If you did not want to deal with more kids then your own then don't marry someone that has kids. I think it is good that your husband's kids want to live with him. It is also important for your husband to have a relationship with his kids. You have to be accepting of his kids just like he has to be accepting of yours. How would you feel if your husband said your kids could not live with you.....only visit. I am sure you would not like that and would also state the same thing he is. Again this is the life you choose, so stop complaining and be an adult and deal with it.

Michelle - posted on 06/20/2013

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You married him knowing he had 4 children already. Even though he didn't have them then, there is always the possibility of the custody changing. What if the bio mum had an accident? It would be his responsibility to look after his children.
"but i really dont want to be bothered wit hmy husbands kids." This is not a good start. If you love your husband then you need to find a way to embrace his children. He had a life before and the children are a part of him.
While his options sound harsh I agree with him, just like when a woman remarries and has children from the previous relationship, so do men. If it was a man saying what you are we would be calling him selfish and telling her to leave. Just think about the role reversal. If you do get divorced then you would be bringing children into another relationship and how would you feel if your new husband was refusing to accept your children?

Tammy-jo - posted on 06/20/2013

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Hi this situation is making u unhappy. Marrige is equal understanding. U have 2 children of ur own n thats hard as it is to bring up. Try n compramise with hubbie. You would b left looking after the step-kids. Thats too much for u to handle. Av them every other weekend or something. Get hubbie to look after kids for few hrs once a week. So u can av time to urself with friends. N if ur hubbie does'nt understand that. Then mayb put ur kids n ur happiness first. Because if u get depressed that can affect ur kids too hunie. Good luck b strong xx

~♥Little Miss - posted on 06/20/2013

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While I can totally understand your frustration about him leaving all the responsibility to you, I can also see how unfair it is for you to feel you deserve to have both of your children there full time and not his. This should have been a huge part of your discussion before getting married. For both of you to express your expectations of living arrangements.

You married him knowing he has 4 children. These are his kids. Now you are their step mother. You can either embrace it, love them, and enjoy them, or you can bail. he will want his kids. Do not make him choose. That is not fair for his children, nor for him. What if he told you that he does not want your 2 kids living with you both any longer and does not give you a choice about it?

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