Help! My son will not speak to me. We were super close and don't know what to do!!

Chantel - posted on 12/11/2013 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hello,
Im 45 and have three wonderful kids, all grown up and on their own. My oldest has his own home and does well on his own. Very respectful and called once a week just to talk. He's one that is a giver when it comes to women and have seen him walked all over. But I've stayed out of his personal relationships, except maybe the be careful mom advice. I don't want any of my children to go through or make mistakes that I have and hope they have learned through some of my mistakes. My son is 25 and met a girl 2 months ago and brought her with him to visit. We went out to lunch and she slipped and said she was living with him, maybe they were keeping it a secret. It did not bother me until I found out she just graduated high school 2 weeks prior and has never worked, still don't and moved in with my son because her parents wanted her to go to college and she did not want to go. While she was hear all she did was play video games on her cell phone and not talk much. Okay, so not my first choice for my son but it's his life and I really understand that. My son told me she smoked pot and stopped because she has to get a job and help. While visiting my husband told me upstairs " does he know she smokes pot" ! He told me she went into the bathroom and did it and leaving out all details but I ran right downstairs and said something to my son. I don't wanna see him getting used anymore. He is just out of a relationship and had a really hard time with it. So anyway, yep me mom decided to tell him. He addressed it with her, she stomped upstairs, slamming doors and was making a ruckus upstairs. I did not know he would say anything but I did not know I would get thrown under the bus the way I did. I went to the dentist and came back and they were gone. I asked my husband what happened and he said they left. My son believed her. But the worst part is my husband did not tell them what he told me instead he told them he never said that to me to avoid drama. He sent me an email calling me a liar and lying because I did not like her. Let's just say, he's never ever spoke to me that way and he knows I've never ever lied to him. Yes, I gave him the be careful she's just out of high school and does not seem to wanna work type advice but it was what I feel normal caring advice. I've never been in any conflict with him and never had issues with him. He always called for advice and even when I did not know the girl( the one prior) I told him if he loves her, work it out. My middle son lives with him and before they came out he told me all she does is sit around watch cartoons and smoke pot. Yep, Cartoon Network was on when we went to bed. But okay my issue is I opened my big mouth and told my oldest that I heard she sits around smoking pot and watching cartoons and does not work. So when my oldest got home approached my middle son( sorry don't wanna use names) he denied saying that because he would have been kicked out. And I started thinking... Wait a minute I'm discussing private conversation that happened with my middle son to my oldest and I was wrong for doing that. So I don't want to be the one throwing him under the bus and understand him denying it, we even spoke and I told him I understood and should not have said a thing about what he told me. So boy oh boy got the email and was called a liar for that one too. Sadly, it's all true. But I realize I should have handled it differently and I really feel I should have been here to defend myself. Instead my husband of three years told my son he did not say that to me. I understand about my middle son. He even told me, " mom you know if I told him the truth I would get kicked out". I agreed and apologized and took the heat. I know I should have NOT said a word, I should have just let it go or handled it differently. now he won't speak to me. I told him to call my husband while I'm here and he will let him know what he said and he should be truthful. I've never had to "prove " truth to anyone. I'm unfortunately one of those too honest people and sometimes I've learned honesty is not always the best policy. So here I am blogging on what to do. My son and I were super close. We talk every week, I've helped him with college apps, and relationships and just so many things but he asked me for it. The only conversation I had with her was me asking what her parents did and the normal stuff... She told me she's on medications and her parents still pay for them and her parents wanted her to go to college and she was not ready so moved in with my son. She told me she was lactose intolerant but ate a shake and cheese and I just found it odd, she said that and why am I questioning that? I asked her if there are things she can't eat so when I cook I will make sure to leave those out, that's where " I'm lactose intolerant" came from. I was nice to her, paid for everything while they were here, had the room ready, bathroom all stocked. So excited to see my so . and all I said was something out of concern and now she has lied and my son believes her. I don't think my husband would make that up or my son. I know it's not my problem if she sits on a couch and plays games nor if she does not work and has only known him for two months. I can easily read people. I took my son outside and just said be careful she's young and never worked and "other son" said all she does is watch cartoons and get high. He defended her the whole way. I'm okay with that. But I really did not mean to cause anyone harm, to end my relationship with my son. I know he's one to talk it out and never seen him like this. He obviously likes her and okay. But I felt the need to tell him and it backfired on me. I just wish I said nothing at all. He's never been mean towards me, never talked to me that way and I'm in shock and so hurt by this or I would not being trying to get advice from other moms on a blog at 3AM. What do I do when it's the truth? What do I say....do I lie and say " your right" she did not do that, my husband did not say that to me? I'm not one to lie but do I lie and take the blame? I'm unsure on what to do here, I cannot sleep over this and it's bothering me everyday....

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Chantel - posted on 12/11/2013

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Okay sounds like you really know what you talking about here. You sound like a true helper of moms. In my email I said I was fault, so reminding me it was, I got that. You stated I advocate for medical marajuana, for someone who has back cancer and is legal, yes. Denouncing it evil,never said evil. Never said the evil word. In your state it's illegal, so it's illegal. You cannot use it legally. And we are law abiding citizens in my home and it's legal. I believe in the use for suffering patients not recreational. But that's what it's for legally medically necessity and I'm ok with that. This topic was asking what to do, admitting I'm at fault.being an adult and admitting I should not have said anything. BUT if your sons girl say did crack, not legal. And your neighbor saw would you want to know? Would you want to step up and help him from danger? From being hurt? Out of love not being a bitchy nagging mother. But out of love. I believe my behavior was not stellar, I don't think any parent is stellar, that's perfect behavior. And my son does not curse, none of them do and if mine was to curse at me without acting respectfully than he would be removed as well. But again back to the topic... I am a helper by nature! I'm a giver to the point at times I need to stop and allow them to know they can work 2 jobs instead of coming to me. But if I have the means I will help. I will never ever ever stop giving the best advice I can to my children. If I see they may be making a mistake I try to help, not dictate, help. I know one thing for sure.... I would do anything to have a decent mother who cared and was there for me and guided me. I learned from her what NOT to be like that's for sure. And I'm just that go to person for all the kids,my step kids come to me for advice before there own dad and I'm proud they respect me and trust me to do so. I don't know everything but I do know how to be the best mom I can be and that's what makes my world go round, my family. He texted me about 15 minutes ago and asked if he can call me later... Now that's my baby boy !!!! Opps man... I'm off now.... I helped myself by writing it down here, the gal below gave great advice, she's a charm. Made me feel really good...

Rebekah - posted on 12/11/2013

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For you to lie now and say that those things never occurred would not improve your credibility (you would give him reasons not to trust you) or give you the peace you are looking for. The truth will come out one way or another... if they are living together, how could he not (eventually) know that she does this? Her behavior or the smell doesn't give it away? How is she buying it? Time will bring it out.

In the meantime, I have to wonder why your husband didn't back you up, nor did your other son. How is it that the consequences are so high for being honest that your family can't even back each other up? Explain to your husband that his attempt to "avoid drama" has only made things worse, and has made you out to be a liar. Your son would have really kicked out his brother if he expressed concern to him about what is happening in the home? While you are compassionate about your "other son" not wanting to be kicked out (and taking the heat for it), your other son isn't doing his brother any favors by not being honest. While you spoke out of turn sharing what your other son said, your other son's denial of it again makes you out to be the bad guy and I'm wondering why your family is ok with you in that role. Tell them that if they see anything else questionable going on, they need to take it to the source themselves!

I'm sure your son is still in the "honeymoon" phase of the relationship, so everything seems rosy, and he wants to believe this is going to be a good thing. He might be the kind of guy that feels drawn to "save" girls in difficult life situations, so he may really think he's doing a good thing and doesn't want to doubt his efforts. But I still think that if she is sitting around getting high, not pulling her share around home, that will come to light soon enough on its own.

I feel for you... I would want to protect my son from such things. I don't think pot-smoking is a minor thing, so I think I'd be inclined to say something too (but I suppose it really has to be at the right time and in the right manner). But rather than you making an effort to defend your position on what you hear is happening and believe to be true, offer an olive branch to him and say you'll stay out of the relationship issue unless he comes to you looking for support. Apologize for the upset that your words have caused and acknowledge that you were only speaking out of concern, but don't say you were lying if you weren't. Just say you'll stay out of it and will respect his choices. This may very well be one of the "mistakes" he has to learn from, so let him learn. I don't think its too late for your husband to come forward if he chooses to tell your son what he observed in the home (and if you guys have a stance on pot use in your home, that would be a reasonable time to draw that boundary), since he was the "witness." It may help to repair the relationship. But even if he doesn't do that, I'd suggest just working at it from where you are now and keep your distance from the relationship issue. Assuming the truth will come out on its own, your son will see in retrospect that your words were true.

Not to be provocative, but any chance either of your sons might also smoke pot? I only ask because I wonder if this might be part of the reason for the defensiveness you are receiving. One son acts like he doesn't see it, and the other son doesn't want to make an issue of it--he says so he won't get kicked out--but is it because they might engage in it as well and don't want you guys to know? Just wondering. As I'm sure you know, some people don't see the dangers of pot use, so maybe--even if they don't use--they don't see it as much of a concern as you do (or I would). Good luck...it sounds very complicated.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/11/2013

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I'm not saying that their behaviour was stellar, but neither was yours. You had every right to remove them from your home, as I said, it's YOUR home, and YOUR rules, and if your adult children cannot respect that, then point 'em to the door. I would too.

Where you need to stop is with taking your criticism beyond your home. In their home, it's their rules, and you need to respect that. You do not need to apologize for mentioning that the chick was caught red-handed in your home, that was her own damned fault, and she should have had more respect for your home.

But, seriously, you cannot advocate for medical use of marijuana in one sentence and denounce it as "evil" in the next. The plant remains the same, the use remains the same, only the "legality" is in question. And, even in my state, although illegal, a small amount for personal use is more often overlooked than prosecuted.

Oh, one thing that just occurred to me: Your son is probably more pissed that you're treating him like a kid, than that you pointed out inconsistencies in her stories. Mine pointed something out to me the other day that kind of was a shock, but truthful. He told me "Mom, I'm and ADULT. You told me you were proud of me being an adult, and being able to handle my own affairs. NOW WOULD YOU BACK THE HELL OFF AND LET ME HELP???" I realized that yes, he's an adult, but I was still trying to take care of things for him, because that's my nature. He wants to be on his own and pay his way, because he can afford to and I need to step back and let him. I think this applies to all of us.

I know how hard it is to make that switch between full time mom of a kid, and mom of adult.

Chantel - posted on 12/11/2013

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I apologized for interfering with his life. But keep in mind under my roof, it's my life as well. What you do under my roof is my business especially illegally. now as far as pot, I'm all for LEGAL use. My husband does it for his back on occasion but he's LEGAL and it's under our roof legally. A cop owns our home. He's an adult yes, and should act like one prior to calling someone names and finger pointing. Most adults talk it out and get it done and fix it or just agree to disagree. Your making me sound because I'm concerned that HE told me she does not smoke and he would be mad because she needs to help out too that I got right in and started trouble. Yes, agree completely with the confidence of my other son, we spoke like ADULTS, handled it and I apologized and it's over. You want to allow kids in your home smoking pot without a legal card, that's okay but not for me. I'm not allowing it at all. I will call my son soon and verbally apologize for telling him his g friend was smoking pot. Remember she's just out of high school and was slamming doors, stomping on floors, yelling and continued to bang thing upstairs ( first impressions - not so good) IMO why would someone tell me to not dictate, when the message sure sounded like it was dictating what my thoughts were. I'm here to get good advice, not to be scolded like a child. I have 8 kids all together and trust me, each has their own life. This particular one calls me for help with everything and advice. He's a ranger ( disabled) took off for a year to care for him. He does not owe me anything but respect.

Chantel - posted on 12/11/2013

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Thank you so much. Could not have needed this more. I felt like I'm going to lie to get my son back and that's not my personality at all. I'm brutally honest. You are right on the husband defending me part or at least asking them to stay until I got back home. I have asked him to call my son and tell him what HE told me so I don't look like I made this up because I don't like her. Thanks much. Was wondering why they would allow me to feel miserable and not back me up either especially when they both darn well know the truth and allowing me to take the blame and it hurts me as a mom. I did not raise my kids this way and lying to get him back is not going to work for me, that would just be admitting I lied when I did not..you know the whole tell one lie you have to make ten to cover it up...

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 12/11/2013

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Apologize to your son for interfering in his life. He's 25, an adult, and capable of making his own choices. Apologize to your middle son for violating his confidence, and almost risking his living situation.

If you cannot accept your sons' choices, you don't have to. But you don't have any right to attempt to dictate to your adult children how they live their lives.

Oh, and just so you know, Marijuana is not the "devil." Do some research. It's being legalized in more areas, it's being regulated in more areas. It's a naturally occurring plant for crying out loud.

In regards to your house rules: Those are your rules, it's your house. If your houseguests (including your adult children and their partners) cannot abide by your house rules, you have every right to ask them to leave, but that's about as far as it goes.

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