HELP! need advice with Maternal Grandmother (my mom!!)

Melissa - posted on 02/26/2010 ( 6 moms have responded )

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Hi everyone...PS this is a total venting post seeking advice



Let me begin by saying I love my mom to death and she is very good to my son. However she is increasing getting on my nerves. I am a total non-confrontational person where she on the other hand is not. She has always been fiesty and able to speak her mind. I guess thats there the problem lies- we are totally different and she takes full advantage of the fact that I'm easy going.



My son Owen who is now 10 mths old has been sick ALL of February (its crazy!) and I have kept him in for the most part the whole month because he has an ear infection and the croup, not very comfortable conditions. Well my mother lives over an hour away and we just havent been able to see her. I did drive there one time (i still have friends there) and she was unavailable. She also had an entire week off work this month and never offered to come visit us at my home (it is an open invitation and she knows it) So i get the guilt trip that my son doesnt know who she is, she is nothing to him, he wont even recognize her, and she only sees him once a month. Which is a total exaggeration because we get together at LEAST 2-3 times a month and like i said she lives far. Just this month because he was sick..it is now ALL THE TIME.



Then of course she tells me "maybe you should/ or shouldn't "do this or that when it comes to Owen being sick. Maybe if I got him home earlier in the day and not at night so he isnt exposed to night air (this of course doesn't apply while we are with her). Maybe i'm not administering his medication properly (are you sure you read the label right?!?!?!?!?!?!) Maybe I should keep the house cleaner, maybe the croup is really allergies to DUST (she is like Marie Barrone) meanwhile my home is very clean but it is currently under going some renovations but I have been diligent about the dust.



Then we had an issue with my son's circumcision and how did she respond to that??.....Maybe you're not cleaning him right. What the heck does thathave to do with if the SURGERY was done properly. PS Im her only kid..she's never been around a baby boy before but now she knows everything about keeping them properly clean.



I should probably add that she and my MIL do not get along or even like eachother enough to be in the same room comfortably. My MIL lives 15 minutes from me and sees my son considerably more and she is his primary babysitter when my hubby and I get a date night. I think my mother is furiously jealous and it has somehow become a compitition for my sons love with her..she is the only one competing! lol...oh God help me lol



PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE send me your advice on what to do and if you too experience this. Its tough because its not even my MIL (she's cool) its my OWN MOM

Thanks (sorry for the venting lol)

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6 Comments

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Bobbie - posted on 05/03/2012

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that is more normal than you may realize. Your mother being "feisty" has learned how to get what she wants on her time table. That's okay, but the problem is she wants to have you cater to her insecurities that she harbors. Only an insecure person would make people around them feel responsible for their happiness by how much attention they get.
My advise is simple......
1 - Respond to her immediately when she acts out about you not visiting. simply call her out on her real emotions very gently. I bet she doesn't even realize she is coming off as being upset about missed time. EXAMPLE: you say to her with a concerned voice as if you share her emotion "I know, it seems like forever doesn't it? What do you have open in the next week or so, we would love to come see you again?: If you end each visit with a request from her to select a date for the next visit she will realize that you are putting forth a lot of effort to ensure she sees her grandson. In other words, she will feel as if she is just as important as the other grandmother.
2 - When she gives advise go to that place in your head where you have lots of patience and just breath :) When she spouts off just listen, no need to remark or correct her with your thoughts, this can actually make her go on and on more. You know her, let her say her peace and then move on to the next topic without resistance from you
3- Competition with the other grandmother is something she is forcing on you and causing strain. When jealousy raises it's ugly head your best answer is to agree. When she says that the other gm gets to see him more often just agree, remember the empathy response. say something like ?" I know, it's so sad he doesn't get to see you more often"
4 - stop her from going to the sad place where she whines or compares what she can have with the baby vs what the other grandmother has with him. Just smile and give her a hug, that is what she is looking for. Or give her a compliment about her being a fantastic grandmother, even if she isn't. she is just being insecure and needs your attention,. Some mothers are very needy with their grown children, she sounds like one of them :)

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You poor thing... Maybe start putting dates into the month when she can babysit and if you are comfortable even look at sleep overs.. only when you are happy for that to start... If the dates are booked then she has times and she can't throw that one at you. Even if it is time during the day so you can shop without any worries and it's your quiet time. I honestly think all mums want to impart all their wisdom on to their kids and they are doing it with the best of intentions but really alot of the time it can come off wrong. As for the other stuff you know how you relate to your mum.. van you say look mum love you lots but i feel it would be better for us and Owen if you could ease up.. Stop finding fault in what i do.. You are consulting with doctors in regards to your sons health and if you want a second opinion i promise i will ask... If that isn't what you can do then..... Wine!? lol i really wish you the best but perhaps a little honesty with your mum may help but do it in the form of what i need from you mum is... no accusations. Good Luck

Iridescent - posted on 02/27/2010

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It sounds like she cares, but she could make more effort on her part and be more understanding of your life needs (e.g. work) and his health needs (home when ill). A few points -
- you are fully capable of reading and following a prescription.
- some dust in the house is GOOD to prevent allergies (honest to God - exposure to dirt, dust, germs, actually increases immunity and decreases illnesses)
- there is NO difference between "night air" and "day air", it is all AIR
It sounds like she really is just jealous. Is this her only grandchild? Remember that she does love you, and it sounds like she is completely unsure of where she stands with you. Maybe have a little chat with her and remind her that she is important, but you have your own family's needs now to consider first, just as she had to do when she became a parent. And as she was the one that raised you, she can be certain that you're fully up to the job of raising your son as well.

Sue - posted on 02/27/2010

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I have experienced the Marie Barone criticizing with my mother in law. We seriously joke about how she is like her. But it is frustrating and irritating. My mother in law also lives close so I hear it every day. I have been told not to take the baby out because it is too cold (in her opinon - and i see others out with their babies) and even that I put a bib on her that is too bulky to be a dribble bib. huh???? Anyway, she always says it in a way where she either thinks I am too stupid to know it is a criticism or just doesn't care. I wish I could tell you how to better handle it, but it drives me nuts. Since I joined this family I have had to go on anti anxiety meds because they drive me nuts. It drains my energy to have to defend myself all of the time. (because her "advice" is not exclusively about the baby). I seriously think I am going to start therapy because I need to stop venting about it to my husband. Thanks for listening.

Rhoda - posted on 02/26/2010

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Hi melissa . it sounds like you have your hands full hon. I think what the problem is you are all your mom has . an she see s some else having more of you then she has . so she becomes upset. Blanes you your mil an everyone one else in your life . there is no easy answer . it may help to always assure her how much you love an need her. an I know you have a full plate with all you do . but try to call her as often as you can. maybe it will soon dawn on her that you are still there. an another thing is try not to brag on your mil to your mom no matter how cool she is right now your mom see s her as the enamy . taking her daughter an grandson. an lol mom s have a tendency to know everything or we think we do . the best of luck hopefully things will work out. Rhoda

Jade - posted on 02/26/2010

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LOL That was entertaining...and very long!!! lol...well maybe you should try "telling your mum how it is" tell her that your son WONT forget her...and just tell her to grow up...if she so badly wants to see him tell her to get off her butt and come see him...saves you having to drag him out of the house...and if she has such a problem with you "not having a clean house" then say don't come over....My mum has tried to have a go at me about not bringing my daughter over enough and i just gave it to her straight "if you want to see your grand daughter get off your butt and come see her" my daughter is sick too and so am i. I went to see her the other day and she said to me "give me Chloe" and i gave her to her then she said to me "ok your sick you stay outside and wait till im finished playing with her" I took chloe off her straight away and went home....lol I hope your sort soemthing out with your mum... Good Luck!!!

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