Help on disciplining when spouse doesn't agree

G - posted on 12/15/2011 ( 8 moms have responded )




My husband complains to me that I am to harsh with my almost 5 yr old. That I yell too much and get after her about stupid things (and I agree I do some times, but when you have told her to pick something up for the 5th time or she has asked the same question 5 times in a row, you get frustrated). When I know she knows where things go, etc. (He feels like she shouldn’t have to pick up everything all the time. I want her to pick up when she is done playing.)
I blame a lot of my frustration on the fact that I worked in childcare for 13 yrs (so I had to deal with other people’s children before having my own).
When he gets frustrated with me he brings up how his mom disciplined him as a child and he has horrible memories of it (which I then tell him that he still needs to deal with that on his own). The conversation between me and him ends up turning into an argument or me upset because I feel like he is telling me I’m a horrible parent and that I can handle our daughters. I then in turn tell him that he yells too about stupid stuff, but he always comes back with he doesn’t do it as much. He feels that they are going to remember the horrible over the good. I tell him that she knows that I still love her no matter what (and she does).
I really believe he has so much built up angry and frustration still from his childhood and that he can’t let go so he is hearing me get upset and it’s triggering bad memories for him. Which I’m sorry that he had a bad childhood but that doesn’t mean that my children aren’t going to get disciplined because he doesn’t want me to yell at them as much or get after them about stuff. I need some suggestions here. Thanks


Amy - posted on 12/15/2011




Stop yelling, you're getting nothing accomplished and your husband is right. At most ask your daughter 3 times to pick something up, after that take it away and have her earn it back!

[deleted account]

I'm a yeller too and I agree w/ the majority... it doesn't work. All it does is turn your family into a family of yellers. :(

Kelina - posted on 12/15/2011




Stop yelling. Take a time out. Because I only know what you've posted I agree with your husband because it's the same way I was raised. My mom made me pick up everything right after I was done with it so after a while I just stopped playing. Would you be able to compromise and have her pick up before naptime, before dinnertime, and before bedtime? My kids pick up once a day if that. I'm not too fussed to be honest they're just going to pull everything out again the next day, but they do pick up certian things. Their laundry has to go away when it comes off, my son when he was in diapers had to put his diapers in the garbage after a change. Some kids talk. Tehy never stop. My 5 yo niece is one of them. I can remember babysitting once about a year ago and It took me almost a week to recover lol. She talked all the time, nonstop, asks the same questions all the time, over and over and there's nothing you can do to stop her. She's a bit like chip and dale from mickey mouse. So try to deal with the asking of questions a different way, maybe put up a question about it here on COM because you'll probably get some good ideas. When you ask her to pick something up, how long do you give her to respond? a good rule of thumb is the 5 second rule, wait 5 seconds for them to do it before you ask again or whatever you plan to do. My thing is if I ask him to do something he's got 5 seconds to start and then I count to three. If he's not done by the time i get to three, either the toy gets taken away, or he gets put on time out depending on what I've asked him to do. From what you've posted, I think you both need counselling. Raising kids is a two parent job if you guys can't agree on discipline you're going to be fighting a lot. Maybe a third party can help you work it out without your kids feeling the brunt of it.

Denikka - posted on 12/15/2011




I agree with Amy.
I know how it is. I'm a yeller too. It really doesn't work. I'm doing my best to reign myself in before my kids get older (my oldest is 2.5 right now). Yelling accomplishes nothing, especially when you're yelling about the same thing 5+ times in a row.
Try something else.
And talk to your hubby. Maybe counseling would be a good thing. Perhaps approach it more for your daughter instead of about him.
example: Ask him to go to counseling so that you can both learn different and better ways to deal with discipline and not make the same mistakes your parents made.

Yelling is a hard habit to break, it's so easy to turn to when you get frustrated. You and hubby both have some issues. It wouldn't do any harm to see what you can both do to improve your family :)
Good luck :)


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Pamela - posted on 12/20/2011




First, do your best to NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY!!! It often happens that couples have children without sitting down to talk about such things as discipline either before or during the first pregnancy. This is why these kinds of disagreements occur.

I would agree with you that at age 5 a child should already be learning to put their things away after use, as well as to pick up clothing, etc. behind themselves. At 5 years of age I was taught to hand wash my own clothes on a wash board because that was what we used until they invented laundromats and later we got a washer.

I would caution you, however, to do your best to learn to control your temper and stop and breathe before yelling at her. Why? Because she will end up parenting the way you parent her. It's an inevitable process!

It is important to not argue about these things in front of the child(ren) because it is upsetting to little ones to see their parents disagree and they have no real concept about what adults need to decide to agree upon.

As for your emotional response and his....consider this....If you have a strong emotional response to ANYTHING, that means that there is a reaction coming from some past deep seeded experience that was never cleared in your own life. When this happens, it is BEST to 1. stop immediately and catch yourself before you blow up or go off on the other person. 2. Then take the time a short while after to sit with the reaction and try to find where it came from in your own emotional patterning. (i.e. --do you have a 'short fuse'? If so why? Where did it come from or when did it start?

The same goes for your husband. Have him look at his "stuff" too, on his own. It would be great if you both did it at the same time (in separate places) and then 3. come back and discuss what you found from within your own self.

When we all learn to correct our own deep seated REACTIONS to others on whatever level, this world will become a more peaceful and pleasant place to live!!!

[deleted account]

Yelling isn't discipline. It isn't even really punishment. It's just unpleasant.

If something is so unpleasant that it triggers bad memories for your husband, why would you want to create such memories for your daughter?

Kim - posted on 12/17/2011




I am definitely a yeller unfortunately but I have started to count backwards from 5 and my 6 year old normally jumps up to do it or stops doing whatever it is he's doing normally if I do get to 1 and he hasn't picked up whatever it is or stopped doing whatever I tell him he has one more chance to pick up or stop and after that I usually pop him once on the butt and then take things away from him... Yes I am still a believer in spanking not ridiculously and not to leave marks but the school he goes to also does corporal punishment and it's a good structured environment but also my son is add ADHD so I have to keep it tough for him he's not on meds and me and my husband have talked it over and we both have agreed on these things or set up a reward chart for the month if she does certain things without having you yell at her she gets a star or sticker and at the end of the month she vets a reward of her choice hope it helps...

Sherri - posted on 12/16/2011




I personally don't have a problem with yelling I am a yeller. However, the biggest issue is you and your husband need to get on the same page as it can tear your marriage apart if you don't.

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