help...please.

Samantha - posted on 09/07/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Tonight my husband told me something I had been trying to deny for a while; he no longer finds me physically attractive. He has been progressively more distant and less physical. No more little signs of affection like holding my hand or touching my face or putting his hand on my leg.
We got married march of this year, and I gave birth to our daughter Nevaeh exactly 4 months later.
We had only known eachother for a couple months before I found out I was pregnant and we got married when I had just turned 6 months.
Now we have been together for a year and things are so...different. he used to smile a special smile at me. .. haven't seen it for so long I've almost forgotten what it looks line. It used to be 3 days without sex was unthinkable. Now only 3 days is not too bad. I've tried everything I can think of. Read books like love and respect and his needs her needs. I tried to have sex more often, do things I know he likes. But it isn't getting better. In fact is getting worse. To the point he told me he no longer finds me attractive sexually. He used to say things like if the house was clean or dinner was on the table when he got home, then it would be better. Well? Done and done. No chanfe for the better. I'm a new mom, new wife, still quite young and going to college full time. Im not sure what to do. I love my husband. I would do anything for him. And I gave my weeks to him, my family and God on our wedding day and I intend to keep it. I guess I'm just afraid despite his verbal reassurances, he is going to look to have his needs filled elsewhere and leave us.
I put on some with Navi, trying to lose it and have a good stay but I'm not close to skinny again. He says if I put makeup on everyday and lost weight and was confident like a beautiful woman he wound be attractive. But how can I be "confident" when I know he is not attracted to me at all? When I see the girls he looks at whom I do not even slightly resemble. Heck, I even dyed my hair blonde because he likes blondes normally. I just do jot know what to do. I mean the last 3 things he told me, (clean house, dinner on the table, and blonde hair), didnt fix anything. Will makeup and continued weight loss? I just don't know any more. Im so confused and discouraged. Hurt doesnt even begin to cover it.

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Kristi - posted on 09/07/2013

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My heart broke a little more with every sentence. I hate to say this, but if he's not putting any effort into making things work, they're not going to no matter how hard you try, no matter what color your hair is or what time dinner is on the table.

I went through the same breakdown with my second husband. I didn't gain weight because we had a child together. I just gained weight because (at the time) I was pushing 40, I wasn't exercising and my diet was crap. But, we're supposed to be beyond that because we've been involved for 6 -7 years already. I didn't know it right away, but he cheated on me, regularly with girls half my age and the bodies to match, mostly Latinas. I couldn't compete. I tried for awhile but it was useless. I lost it. I begged him to go to counseling, please don't break up our family. We each had a child from our first marriages. Looking back, I should have manned up and either walked out or kicked him out when he stopped even pretending to try. At least then I would have left with some self respect and dignity. But, I didn't. I groveled and cried and refused to leave because when I said "I do" I meant it. Eventually, my mom flew in from WA and packed up my clothes and my daughter's stuff and flew us out to live with them and my sister and her husband so I had a support system around me and so my daughter could have a "normal" environment to be in.

I know this is discouraging and probably not at all what you were hoping to hear. Realistically, I think you were doomed before you really had a chance to get started and it's not even been 2 years and your husband basically wants you around to cook and clean. Your value should never be placed on your looks. Looks are subjective anyhow. He will, if he isn't already, have his needs met outside your home.

You need to focus on taking caring of your precious baby girl, getting your education and not letting this man take anymore of your self esteem. Surround yourself with people who build you up. People who are positive and supportive. You have your whole life ahead of you. I know how important he is to you right now. He is your daughter's father. You will always be a part of one another. He does not have to define your future. I know you want him to help you define it together but if things keep going this way, he will be the only one writing the definitions for all of you. Do you really want to feel and wonder and live the way are right now? Unless you stand up for yourself now (or he does a 180), things are only going to get worse for you.

I'm so sorry to be so blunt. I'm not trying to be hurtful. I just don't want to see you go any further down the rabbit hole. I don't want you to pin your self-worth on your husband's idea of attractive. Talk to him. Tell him he needs to step up or get out. It takes two. I tried everything and then some but without his help and participation, it didn't matter. You deserve better. Wishing you strength and peace of mind. xo

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Katie - posted on 09/07/2013

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You shouldn't have to change who you are Hun
You've had his baby so who hasn't still got a bit of baby weight? My friend says he fancies his girlfriend a lot more since she's given birth with the extra weight on
You shouldn't have to try be perfect Hun for him he should love you for who you are n if that means you still have baby weight or if u have or haven't got blonde hair
It's not all about looks
Xxx

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