Help please I am having extreme problems with my 15 year old son

Danny - posted on 11/19/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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He does not accept any discipline or boundary that's set , he is verbally aggressive and very abusive both at home and at school and I fear for his future given the path he is on. He bullies his younger brother and is confrontational to his eldest brother and is confrontational to me also and has been physically aggressive too. I am a male single parent and this is by far the hardest thing to deal with as it affects not just him but the rest of us at home too He has had all kinds of interventions via the school but nothing has helped him. I wish there was a solution to make him see sense and end this nightmare I just don't know who to turn to for help.

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Ev - posted on 11/19/2015

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And to add to Raye's post its going to take time for him to get the idea that you are meaning business. But also at his age, its harder to deal with because he has his mind set. I saw a boy get to the age of 12 and he was mean and nasty and nothing anyone did or said seemed to get his attention to do what he should. His step father came in the picture when he was 11 years old. Inside of a year, this kid became respectful and apologized to all of us that he had treated so badly. It can be done but it takes time. A teen has the mindset of how things should be by the time the reach 15. It may work or not work as Raye has suggested doing things. You may need social services to help you with the family services unit. Its not wrong to ask for help but somewhere along the line you have had to have allowed his actions to go unchecked at some point.

Raye - posted on 11/19/2015

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You should be monitoring what he's doing on his phone, and he should not be threatening you if you ask him to hand it over. Kids can get in a lot of trouble with sexting and apps like SnapChat, etc. Receiving a naked pic from a friend or girlfriend who's under 18 is possession of Child Porn. If he's sending them to others, or taking pics of himself and sending them out, that's distribution of Child Porn. Each of these is a FELONY and could get him and others thrown in jail, have him required to register as a sex offender (which might affect job prospects, affect where you/he is allowed to live, etc.) and ruin his life. In many states, juvenile felony convictions can stay on a person’s public record. It seems like it would be a simple mistake, but these are serious things. Your child(ren) should not have privacy on their phones, the internet or social media. The parents really need to be involved and monitoring what their children are doing and who they are associating with.

You do not need to sit in front of the front door to keep him from going out. If he leaves, report him to the police. If you are at work, but you know he's left the house against your orders, you can still inform the police that the child is missing. Be sure to alert them again when he is found/home.

When you see a pattern of behavior that's unsafe and threatening to himself or others, then the consequences need to become more severe and authorities may need to be involved. Make it clear to your child that this is the consequence for abusive, destructive or criminal behavior. And, hopefully, he will learn from that consequence and make a different choice next time. These are choices he's making, and he can chose a different reaction. He may not feel he has control over anything, but he can control his actions and chose not to be abusive. He may need some serious counseling to gain control of the anger issues and get back on the right track. If your area has a juvenile detention center, see if they can send someone out to talk to him about the path he's on that may lead to him being removed from his family and put in Juvie or jail.

If you involve the police, you don't have to press charges, but it will give your teen a strong message that you're not going to tolerate his behavior and you're not helpless. I think that if the behavior continues, parents should press charges—especially if a parent or another sibling gets hurt. The teen would most likely not get sent to jail on their first offence, and again it sends the message you won't allow abusive behavior and there are real world effects to continuing to make bad choices.

This would NOT be being mean to your child. This is keeping your child safe and making them responsible. So when they become adults and leave home and only have themselves to rely on, they can make the right choices.

Raye - posted on 11/19/2015

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What kind of consequences do you have for his actions? You can't let him choose whether to "accept any discipline or boundary that's set", you need to make him mind. Many single parents feel they need to make the kids happy and make up for whatever bad that has happened. That's a terrible approach. You need to teach them how life is. A little tough love can get them headed in the right direction. Be calm, but firm. Consequences need to be implemented consistently every time, and you can't back down. They may not like it now, but they will be better off in the long run when dealing with the big bad world on their own.

You may also want to consider family counseling.

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Danny - posted on 11/19/2015

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Thank you both for your advice I will think deeply on it.
In addition to my first post , I have always set firm boundaries with him and my other children and I know for the most part that this is the age of moodiness. He doesn't care if he is restricted by not watching the TV or not being able to use the internet. If I try to confiscate his phone he is extremely aggressive and threatening and if I ground him he just walks out when I am not able to be there. Last night from11.30pm until 1am I had to sit in front of the front door to prevent him from walking out.He has always been a bit of a handful and I don't back down, I am the parent and he is the child/teenager. I have not had this kind of behaviour from any of my other children and they have all been raised in the same way. Each of them are different and respond to disciplines suited to them but I have exhausted all kinds of techniques with him ranging from a calm approach to a more solid approach and up until now it has been manageable. I have spoken with his Mother to hear her views and advice and she is of the opinion that contacting social services may be the best route and I know deep in my heart that it may be too. I have taken so much from him and I really don't want to go down that road, that is why I came here to see if anyone could help

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