Sam - posted on 09/24/2014 ( 4 moms have responded )
Where do I even begin..?
So, I'm 24 and 22 and a half weeks pregnant. I'm living with the father, who's being extremely unsupportive in the least, verbally and emotionally abusive at worst. Up until a week ago, we were together, and I was basically a homemaker with Asperger's Syndrome and bad agoraphobia. Let me just say that we live in a rural area, I have no license, no GED, no money and no family at all. The only person I know who could take me in is 2 hours north and they have three cats (I'm horribly allergic), so my situation is pretty crap. I'm stuck.
He's also an addict and a felon and abuses pretty much anything and sells sometimes. Honestly, I thought people make mistakes, its not about his past. But I begged him to get help with his addiction. And I ignored his selling.
We'd always had a rocky relationship, but I loved him so I put up with a lot of his crap. I didn't even realize he was being a bit abusive. I had come to feel guilty and responsible for his addiction and for the stress of being the breadwinner, even though he constantly told me it didn't matter - he loved me. So, I didn't really talk to anyone about his behavior, but basically at some point he started resenting me and blaming me for his stress at work (among other things). He was either getting high with his friends all the time, or at home, or he would come home and treat me like crap. I guess a cycle started. But there were good periods of time. :/
For the past week, he has been extremely awful to live with. Screaming at me some days, saying he's cutting me off, I need to grow up and blaming me for everything. He almost got us into a car accident last week and said I need to deal with it, because I don't have a license. Other days, he completely ignores me and pretends I don't exist. And then sometimes he's tolerable. I had an appointment for my 20 week ultrasound today, but he made other plans, so I had to reschedule and we ended up getting into a huge fight about it, where he shouted at me, called me a b----, because I said his friends and drugs shouldn't be more important than the baby. At that point, I threatened to call the police and he laughed and said they wouldn't come out for verbal abuse. I think he had been drinking. :/
He comes home later, with $100 worth of new clothing from Rue21, acts like nothing happened, and brings food. Then, he tells me to put money on the phone, so I can have a cell phone (I don't have one). He's acting tolerable. But then I brought up whether or not I could ask him for money. He says depends what for. I say I need clothing, my underwear doesn't fit, nor do my bras, pants and shoes. He's almost agreeable. But then he says I could be getting money from the government. I say no, they count his income, even if we're not a couple, because we live under the same roof. Suddenly, he begins yelling at me again, telling me I am dumb and stubborn and I need to just do it (being call and get aid, don't include his income). I say I won't, that's lying and I could get in serious trouble. So, now he won't pay for anything.
I don't know what to do. I have no where to go. I cannot even fathom being homeless. I'm so humiliated and terrified. This is not what I imagined for my life. I'm so confused. Just a month ago we were supposed to get married and be a family. Now he looks at me like I'm disgusting and its my fault his life is so horrible. He says my Autism was too much for him to handle, I was an "inconvenience" to him and he got sick of having to consider me all the time. That he was miserable and unhappy and taking care of me meant not taking care of himself. Things just weren't working out. But his moods were erratic. I don't even know what was the truth or a lie.
We discussed custody last week and I said I would want the baby to live with me, to which he agreed. And we discussed the naming and last name. He seemed taken aback, like he hadn't thought of any of it. But now, I don't even know, because he's been so abusive to me. We talked about it yesterday when he was more stable. We have nothing for the baby at all, and he starts telling me about how he spent $140 on a vaporizer. I think I almost self-combusted right there. He had JUST gone out multiple times this weekend. I know he spent something like $200. I have no idea where he got the money. He JUST borrowed money from his mother for an oil change and told her I was hiding money from him, which he had previously given me permission to stash away money for the baby. And then he tells me about how he and his friends are going to grow (in this house) and sell weed, or at least just grow it for himself. I told him I wouldn't feel comfortable with him being high around the baby and he blows me off, saying he gets high at work all the time.
I don't know what to do. I just don't. This is the type of area where you NEED a car. Absolutely need one to get anywhere. My doctor is 45 minutes away. I was already thinking of leaving, as terrified to do it as I am. Or I was thinking I could stay and deal and get the things I need first (like new glasses, maybe a license, get him to sign papers). He's not always horrible. He doesn't hit me. He feeds me.. :/ I know, that sounds pretty pathetic.
I'm terrified he would fight me for the baby. I don't know if this is a plus or not, but he says he wants to be a part of their life, but I don't think he's really understand the gravity of a baby. And not just because he's a guy. I mean, going by the fact that we have nothing for the baby and he's spending so recklessly.
Should I apply for government aid even while living with him?
Anyone ever been in a similar situation? What did you do? What happened after you left? How did you get anywhere? What are shelters like? How did you eat or clothe yourself and the baby?