HELP!! STEPCHILDREN

Mayra - posted on 07/13/2015 ( 12 moms have responded )

5

0

1

Hi My name is Mayra and im seeking for advice im really going crazy!! My fiance who i live with and have a 7 mo old baby with has two kids who are 6 and 9. The 6 year old boy drives me crazy he is so rude and disrespectful he has no manners and whines all the time constantly catch him getting on my babies car seat and hi chair, he always wants to be on his dad. every night he complains of something hurting weather its his feet or head and my fiance is always there rubbing his feet. this little boy is a different person when his dad is not there which makes it harder for me bc i feel like my fiance doesnt believe me when itell him how rude his son is.my fiance doesnt realize that his son isnt a baby and knows what he is doing he is old enough to know whats wrong he will be 7 in a couple mo! he wont let me husband even use the restroom by himself!! he also has a daugthter who isnt his blood but raised her since shewas 1 year old! she is a total different person she could be more humble but def has more manners than her brother but she alwasy seems to be in trouble when they fight bc her brother always blames her so my fiance believes EVERYTHING his son says!! my fiance is a good man (before his kids came) he helps clean wash and cook and he helps so much w our baby but i am so tired of the way he downgrades me in front of his kids he doesnt give me any authority and lets them well his son get away with everything and his excuse is he doesnt want them to hate him becuase he hardly has them and thats why he dont want to get them in trouble that much. he has them every summer since the mom lives in california.. and i hate when people tell me its only two months well this is the first two mo that i have lived w them and it already seems like 10 years and i have to put upwith them every summer is really going to be horrible if he continues to baby them just to make up time he doesnt have them!! ineed someone one to give me advice and patience pleassee!!!!!

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Lynnise Kathleen - posted on 07/14/2015

9

0

1

I feel ya! I have three boys with my husband and he he has two more boys from a different woman, so a total of five boys. It gets crazy let me tell you! His boys are very rude to me, they wouldnt eat anything I cooked, they never cleaned up their messes, and said hateful things to me all day. It didn't help that their mother encouraged them to hate me. At first I felt totally defeated, and I cried about it all the time because I truly wanted them to like me. One day I explained that I was not trying to be their mother, nonetheless it was not only their fathers house but mine as well and they needed to respect it. I explained that I cared for them very much and I would love to start over. It's kind of funny because with their mothers influence over them, they would not budge. Until one day they started having problems with their mom and came to me for advice. It's always an up and down type of situation. I believe if you gain their trust and show them you have the best intentions at heart things will only look up from there.

~♥Little Miss - posted on 07/13/2015

21,273

9

3058

I totally understand your frustration. But you have to try to see things from his side, and the children's side.

Their daddy just had another baby. The son is no longer the baby, and might have a really hard time adjusting to this. It is harder on them, than it is on you, trust me. They may feel like they are in competition with his "new" family. So what if the son needs extra daddy attention? Let him get it. Your fiance might need to take some extra time with them, out of the house doing special activities. Let them know the rules, like clean up after yourself, or ask for help to do it.

You have a 7 month old. You will find out in about 4-5 years that this is completely normal behavior. These are your fiances kids. They are not going to go away. You really are going to have to find a way to deal with this as a couple. If you do expect him to forget about his kids, then maybe rethink your relationship with him.

Look at it this way, you see him being a great dad to his kids. This is a preview of how awesome of a dad he will be to your little one.

It IS only 2 months, and he deserves this time with his children. Try to not make it a resentful time.

MaryAnn - posted on 07/16/2015

347

0

17

Libby... I feel like those are your issues- condemning this woman for having a child of her own and a marriage that doesnt align with you religious values is not helpful.
Being a good step parent takes time, and the bond doesnt magically appear because of a ring. Being out of state complicates this from the ideal- but it takes their reality, and theres no reason to bash her- or her husband- for carrying on with life regardless of this fact. Children do not make decisions, adults do, and thats the issue here.
Dear old dad here has the same unrealistic expectation that these things come naturally and smoothly- and its not that simple.

Raye - posted on 07/14/2015

3,761

0

21

The children won't hate him because they have rules. And children need rules. I think you're both over reacting to opposite extremes. You need to find middle ground and be on the same page with how to control the kids.

MaryAnn - posted on 07/13/2015

347

0

17

Do. Not. Allow your husband to allow them to control the house. When they are not present,have a firm talk with him about house rules. Once basic rules are established, have a family meeting. Make sure there is a clear warning system for when the rules are broken, and make sure he has them aware that you will both go through with timeouts as needed- remember, mommies and daddies need time outs sometimes too.
Patience is a virtue, and remember that they will learn this from you.
It takes time to build a relationship with them, and it takes time for ss to come to twrms with not being the baby anymore... but you are the grown up and you will be respected as such.

12 Comments

View replies by

Denofdemons - posted on 07/16/2015

2

0

0

Lynnise Kathleen Andrew thanks for sharing. You did the right thing. I notice you said we have five children all together. Also you mentioned a love for all the children and that you did not want to replace their mom or compete with the children. Because you acted like a grown up the children grew to love and respect you.

Thanks for sharing and caring. I wish so many other women would take the time to bond with a man's children from another relationship; before they just start having babies with the man. if women would bond with the man's existing children; then they would realize any baby they have would be an addition to the family not a means of competing for the man's love with the other existing children. Then the whole family can welcome the new baby together as a blended and loving family Instead of having a stressful pregnancy with step children who hate your guts & are acting bad and rude towards you. Also taking the time to meet the children's mother; if she is in the picture to let her know 1. I am not trying to replace you, 2. your children are safe with me; I have grown to love them and would never do anything to hurt them, 3. when your children are at our home you can expect at least one call a day; just to let you know how they are doing and everything is ok. So many women who get involved with men who have joint custody are very inconsiderate to the biological mom; by not at least giving her one courtesy call/message each day just to know the children are ok. that is because when they meet the men they don't have children and don't know how scary it is for a mom to leave her children with another woman. I have dated several men with children and never had any problems with any of the mothers; because I respect the moms and give them a courtesy call each day to know all is well. Many times they ignore the biological mom and only call when a child is hurt or something is wrong. Not the right thing to do. Courtesy call/message each day that all is ok will put the biological mother's mind at ease don't just call when the sh*t hits the fan.

Denofdemons - posted on 07/16/2015

2

0

0

First of all I never heard you once say MY STEPCHILDREN. That is your step daughter aND your stepson. He is climbing on his little sister's stuff not just your baby stuff. Your attitude has helped divide the family too. Act like an adult. Act like a mother of all your children. if you can not love both his children as your own children; then you don't need to marry this man. This is one reason I am against babies outside of wedlock. For some reason Baby Mamas see their child as separate from the other children and can not equally love a step child as if it is their own child they gave birth too. Every religion Christianity, Islam, Judaism, Buddhism, etc is pretty clear; if you can not love your partners children as your own flesh and blood; then you don't need to marry that person. When you aCT like a grown up; children will treat you like a grown up. it is not the kids against you. it should be You and your future husband working as a team to love all your children equally and raise all of them as decent, responsible people. if your fiance or you can not do this as a team love each child the same and equally; not playing favorites then yall should not be together or in any relationship that involves blended families. Right now you have your hands full with three children. You don't need another child. you are already stressed out enough with three children of your own (biological and step children). if you would have took the time to bond with his children, properly use birth control and wait to add even more children to the famity until 1. decided you could accept and love his children as yours then 2. bonded with your step children, 3. sat down and talk to your fiance about being a team and equally loving all children in the family, 4. then marry your fiance and as a wife realized and taken marriage counseling to realize the respondsibility of motherhood (biological, adopted, or stepmotherhood) it is all the same responsibility you needed to know about.

it is almost like you got pregnant to compete with his children and take his love away from them instead of adding a little half sister for his existing children to love and grow with. Your step children have had enough emotional change and trauma the loss of the relationship between their dad and biological mom, the addition of you, a new sibling. Everyone is doing what makes them happy without thinking once about these children; so yeah these children are going to have some behavorial issues.

Now you have to straighten you and your fiance need to straighten your acts up before yall do anymore damage than you have already done to all three of these innocent children. You need to be in some kind of family counseling and parenting classes immediately all of you as a family.

Mayra - posted on 07/14/2015

5

0

1

Yes they are new to the babysitter..
I have tried that they are extremely picky!!!literally only eat mac and cheese cereal and nuggets, that gets me mad too i don't think its good to let them eat cookies and milk for dinner but i don't say anything because after all im not their mom. I have told him to be have and if he makes a mess pick it up. Tried telling him its not ok to scream while others are trying to have a convo and not to walk on furniture etc.When i tell my fiance things that he does he treats me as if im the lier and asks his son why did he misbehave his son always swears he acted like a good boy and babysitter is really happy w him. i tried giving him allowance if he behaves well and hasn't worked yet.. when my fiance has to run to the store or anywhere i always tell him to take his daughter and leave his son so they can have some time he invites the daughter but always says things like "im going to the store but im just getting ___ and its going to be quick so if you want you can wait here" al,ost as if he doesnt want her to go but always takes him everywheree

MaryAnn - posted on 07/14/2015

347

0

17

How is the babysitter coping? They must be new to her, too?
Have you tried positive reinforcement?
Were it me, I'd probably focus on that by figuring out a luxury snack he likes- a favourite flavour of ice cream, or maybe a favourite kind of muffin... and have him get involved in buying it, or making it...
and telling him he can have it tomorrow if the babysitter says he's had a good day. It could help you build up some trust and the process could serve as a bit of "get to know you." It could also help dad get some well needed time with daughter.

Mayra - posted on 07/14/2015

5

0

1

Thats what i want is to be respected. I may not be their mom but i am their stepmom and the one who takes and picks up from babysitter. My fiance is OK with me doing that for him but then when i try to tell him how bad he was at the babysitters he doesn't do anything about it and he if i try to tell his son something he doesn't support me he just lets his son get away w it. i tell him they will never learn to respect me if that continues.. i don't want to dread every summer bc i know they are coming but my fiance seems to not realize how hard it is for me to bite my tongue when he is the way he is. In the long run it wont be fair for our baby bc he will know the rules and im going to try to have him behave well! but when his son comes along and does what he wants and doesn't get in trouble wont be fair for the rest..

Mayra - posted on 07/14/2015

5

0

1

I totally understand, well at least im really trying to see it in his point of view. he hasnt seen his kids and he is a good dad, its just really hard when i have his daughter coming to me sad and saying how much he only focuses on her brother and its true i see it all the time.. if he is with her he tries to get dads attention like for example we are at the pool and my fiance is with the daughter he will fake drown to get his attention. i get it i cant imagine being away from my baby but you can be a great loving parent but also be able to discipline at the same time. that is what drives me crazy he talks to me so rude and doesn't get in trouble for it because he doesn't want to get him in trouble he fears his son will hate him!
i don't want to loose what we have our little family together its just really taking a lot of patience especially when he never tries to see my point of view and doesn't get in my shoes and he needs to realize how hard it is to adjust to two people ive never lived w before and to deal w his sons bad manners and attitude!! ive tried talking to him but all that happens is he gets defensive and tells me how much they bother me and if i want they can leave to his moms.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms