Help struggling mom

Melinda - posted on 08/04/2016 ( 7 moms have responded )

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I have a beautiful 11 year old daughter that refuses to go to school or take a shower from any number of days. We took her out of 6th grade due to the school not helping with her situation. The state I live in is big on truancy and i am scared that the state will come take her from me. We have done the pediatrician to the counseling and nothing it's like she has shut down from everyone and everything. I am open to suggestions. Her dad and I live together and are married but he tells me it is my job to get her right. I feel like I am not doing what I need to do and failing as a parent.

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♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/06/2016

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I will also add this: You have not witnessed any abusive situations with her, however, you are not with her 24/7/365. Up until this point, she DID leave your supervision for school, and you've said that she's also been under other care at her grandparents.

Either of these situations could have been the one in which abuse occurred, and, given her behaviour at school, I would start investigating there.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/05/2016

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No one is ridiculing here.

I'm glad that you are homeschooling. That should take care of attendance requirements, as long as your district allows homeschooling.

I'm still confused on the school issue though.WHY were they leaving her by herself in a room isolated? Were you notified of any behaviour that would warrant them putting her in isolation?

I also agree that you need to continue to seek therapy that she will participate in. As I said, it's not an option for her, but you may need to try a few different therapists until you find the fit.

As far as her father, being raised in a certain style is no excuse. In this day and age, fathers are expected to step up in the parenting department.

Michelle - posted on 08/05/2016

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I agree with Dove, no one was ridiculing you. People will ask questions to get a bit more information than what you had already posted.
I also agree that this isn't normal behaviour for an 11yo. You need to see another counselor or ask your doctor for more help.

ETA: I also agree that Dad shouldn't be leaving it all up to your. She is his daughter as well and he needs to be involved in helping her get better.

Dove - posted on 08/04/2016

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No one is ridiculing you. Asking questions to try and get a better understanding of the situation is the only way anyone CAN give better advice.

Has she been officially diagnosed w/ any mental/emotional health disorders? This is not the behavior of a typical 11 year old child. This is the behavior of a child w/ extenuating circumstances (like a mental/emotional disorder) or a child who has suffered a traumatic experience of some sort. If the therapist has gotten nowhere w/ her in an entire year it may be worth looking for a new therapist.

Melinda - posted on 08/04/2016

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Ok the school does not handle or have a program with anxiety or depressed children. No sexual abuse because she is always with us. Have done home school this year and have done family counseling. Come from a marriage thst the mother is in charge of her children and the father works. My daughter does not.open to the counselor and have been placed on medication with the ped. She has been through puberty for a year now. I joined this group to not get ridiculed about what I am doing with her. She is loved and we are great parents. Just did not.know if anyone else has been experiencing this with their child at this age aND was open for suggestions. I did make her go to school at the beginning of the year only to find out she would sit in a room by herself all day with very little interaction with peers or teachers. When attending counseling she sits in the fetal position and does not talk. I have no insurance and payed so much money to figure out what is wrong with her praying she would open up. I just wanted some positive imputs to see if I was moving in the right direction but I feel like this group seems to want to just make me feel worse than I do. Sorry I am a mom that would want to try anything and everything for her kids. She has never been in a abusive home or out of the home other than her grandma house.

♫ Shawnn ♪♫♫ - posted on 08/04/2016

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What do you mean "we have done the pediatrician and counselor and nothing"?

This child is 11. She doesn't get to dictate whether or not she will do something. School is not a choice. If you've pulled her out, are you at least homeschooling? If not, are you planning on starting?

What was going on at school that put her into this position? What do you mean "school would not help"? It's not up to them to get your child there. As far as her father's position, that is not acceptable. The child has two parents and it falls on both of you. The showering issue could be anything from poor body image, to embarrassment about her upcoming entry into puberty, to (hopefully not) sexual abuse.

If your child is having problems, she needs to be in counseling. No option to refuse. Perhaps it would be beneficial for the entire family, dad included, to have a few sessions.

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