help to have a healthy friendship with my sons father

Emily - posted on 12/26/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

3

0

0

My sons father and I have been off and on for almost 5 years now and we have recently gotten back together and now he said he wants to just be friends to work on a healthier relationship. He says he isnt throwing in the towel yet on us but I really dont know what to do. I am so used to him coming home when he is back from work and itis really hurting our son because he just wants his daddy to come home and things be good.

4 Comments

View replies by

Ev - posted on 12/26/2013

8,144

7

919

Emily-

Jodi is right on this. I also know from personal experience that you can not force another to stay with you because you want it. My own kids asked me if their father would want me back again. No matter how I explained it to them that he would not, it took telling my oldest that when hell froze over he would take me back; that she got the message that he did not want nothing to do with me anymore. Forcing someone to do what they do not want to ends in a lot of hurt and anger. And realistically you can not force them to do what you want. It sounds to me like he has a good head on his shoulders and wants to work this out for the betterment of your son's life. Being friends is much better than being hated by the other parent for no reason at all when you do not know why they hate you so much. I had that too. I would have rather had their father stay but he would not have been happy and the kids pick up on this too. THey would have been unhappy. You should worry more about what this means for your son than for you. Its not about you at all really, but your little boy having his father in his life as well as you.

Jodi - posted on 12/26/2013

3,562

36

3907

What you have described is an "on and off" relationship. You can't make someone stay if they don't want to, and it is actually unhealthy for everyone if you dig your heels in and start fighting for it. You can't make someone happy. Another person's happiness is not up to you. You can only control you, not him or his feelings, or his decisions.

At this point, I would ask him if he is willing to go to counselling with you, but quite honestly, if he wants to go, there is little you can do to change that, and you'd be better off putting your efforts into a friendly co-parenting relationship than hanging off him with your nails begging him to come back and creating a situation where he just wants nothing more to do with you, even to the detriment of your son.

Emily - posted on 12/26/2013

3

0

0

Ok So it wasnt all on and off again we were together for 3 years and then he had left me for a little over a year and we just recently got back together and our son loves it. He did kind of spring it on me that we had things that we needed to take care of. I have an issue with stressing over everything so I know that that needs to change and I am working on it. Its just I want to be able to make him happy and not nag about the stupid things that cause fights. I plan on fighting for what I want and that is to be with him and all of be happy.

Jodi - posted on 12/26/2013

3,562

36

3907

Well, you've been "on and off" for 5 years. Big red flag there that there was never a real relationship. Your boyfriend is right. If there is a child in the equation, neither of you have the right to jerk that child around in an "on-again-off-again" relationship. It sounds to me like you are better off negotiating a good co-parenting relationship as friends than trying to be together as a couple. Your son can still have daddy in his life, just in a different way that is probably far more healthy for him in the long term than a confusing "on and off" situation.

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms