Help with a 17 year old who is very defiant & oppositional

Ava - posted on 09/15/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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My rules a clear - no dating guys out of school until you are out of school. My 17 yr old went behind my back & started dating a guy of 21 who works & has his own apartment. She started bunking school & this guy would fetch her from school & drop her off at home at the time she was supposed to arrive home on the bus. She was caught out & considering I had never met the guy before, I banned him from the house & from seeing her. the school asked me to take her to a psychiatrist who then said she was severely depressed & needed to go to a psychiatric hospital to be treated for severe depression. Once she got there, things changed drastically. She refuses to see me & has now informed me she does not want to come home. I found out yesterday that this "boyfriend" is in the hospital too as a patient & they were caught kissing, which is against the rules. She then cut herself. Her father & I are divorced & he maintains she is there because of me. She refuses to do any of the therapy treatments & is constantly lying to all of us. A year ago she was the sweetest person I knew, now she has turned into a monster. Her brother and sister are so angry with her behaviour, they don't want to see her. My husband does not want her back in the house. What do I do?

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Debera - posted on 09/16/2013

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I had gone through something similar when my daughter was that age. I tried everything and it was all I could do just to keep her safe. She did not have a boyfriend so that was not part of our issues. I was at the point where I wanted to give up when out of nowhere I said, "I don't care how much you hate me or what you try to do to me, I will always love you." She was quiet for the first time in months without being sedated. She had a high I.Q. and was testing to me to see if I would really be there for her since her father left her when she was around 5 years old. My daughter has recently been diagnosed with Schizzo-Affective Disorder. (I hope I spelled that correctly) We made great strides until the father came back into the picture suddenly and I have been thrown aside. I have been advised by a psychiatrist that this happens when a child has gone through what my daughters went through (Stockholm's Syndrome or brain-washing). Now I am trying to pick up the pieces on my own and continue raising my other 3 special needs children that have a very rare disease and have tripled their age (3 sons from my first husband and my daughters' 1/2 brothers). Now I have guilt feelings for having my freedom and don't know how to make friends anymore. the only other advice that I received that helped me was "You have to love them when they are the least lovable."

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