Help with out of control teenager; drinking, boyfriends, disrespect

Jaaaamm - posted on 07/19/2015 ( 5 moms have responded )

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My daughter whom is 17 is defiant. She started drinking at 15, smoked pot in the past, came home covered in puke. It's frustrating because I don't know how to discipline her. I told her to leave out of anger, I didn't expect her to actually go, but she just packed a bag and left. When she goes out, she ends up coming home 3/4 in the morning, or she doesn't go home. We never allowed sleep over, but when she turned 17, she just started not going home (she has only done this twice) When she is mad, she go she goes insane, she starts crying. blaming everything on my family and I. She has even snuck boys in the house while I was at work, got an IUD inserted behind my back, I've also found condoms in her room... I have taken away her phone, yelling at her, grounding her.. She has extreme little fits whenever we yell at her. I learned recently that she lost her virginity in the 7th grade as well... She was molested when she was 3-4 by a family member (which i also didn't know about until her counselor accidentally disclosed this information).

Is it my fault? My daughter had an extremely hard childhood. Her dad and I had to work late nights, so she was brought to her grandparents place. Her dad used to beat her over the littlest things when she was younger, he would also lock her out of the house when she was 3. Now whenever they get into fights, shes not scared anymore to stand up for herself, she yells back at him. We didn't know how to show emotions so she was never exposed to love in a sense, well that's what she says, we never went out as a family, we were just there to clothe her, feed her and provide her shelter. I've always felt bad so I always financially spoiled her because I was never there for her. She got counselling, medical help behind my back, I had no clue she was on anti depressants since she was in grade 10... I had no clue until she opened up and told me, my husband and I tried to change our behavior and actions but she's still bad. She overdosed in the 7th grade for the first time, and again in her grade 12 year (which was this school year).

She is extremely independent, a 90's student who wants to become an oncologist, cooks and cleans. She got into university and is moving out in August which is less than two weeks. She didn't want to go to a university which we live by, but rather a one which is 3 hours away. She gave us three options; 1) She takes out student loans and works part time without our support OR 2) Help her with school (we have 90,000 saved up for her university in an education fund) and she works for her rent or she can take out a student loan. She seems to have her life all planned out, I have no control over her, she just doesn't listen, she just screams shouts, or ignores.

I know she loves me, she loves her family a lot.. I've seen the care and the love... She does listen 75% of the time. Surprises us by cleaning the entire house, baking us goods, setting surprise baths.

What do I do? Should I make her stay until she turns 18? How do I make her show some respect when shes angry?:

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Sarah - posted on 07/19/2015

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I really don't know what to say about discipline. If you have not had control for the last 17 years, you aren't going to get control in the next few months. You go from saying she is rude, drinking, drugging, staying out all night and having sex to the next paragraph raving about how smart , athletic and happy she is......

Jaaaamm - posted on 07/19/2015

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I regret what not giving her the love that she needed while growing up... I feel as if this is all my fault. I think she would be okay, she has been basically alone and independent for her whole life. There wasn't something that she couldn't do for herself. I just don't know how to discipline her,, Her therapist gave her an okay to go to school as long as she talks to someone monthly.

Sarah - posted on 07/19/2015

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Kids that appear perfect are many times carrying huge burdens and they strive and work insanely hard to keep it together. If they let one thing slip then they feel like the whole world will crash down around them. I can't tell you what to do but a kid that has been sexually assaulted, abused by her dad, has overdosed twice and has not received adequate therapy is not OK. I know you say she was seen by a psychiatrist but based on how you describe her current behavior, she seems ready to come unglued. You know her better than anyone. If you think she can handle school, send her. What does her therapist think?

Jaaaamm - posted on 07/19/2015

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She has seen a youth psychiatrist. Im sure she has done that, hence the treatment with her counselor, she even has one set up at the university that she enrolled in. So you don't think I should let her go? Am I impending on her future by holding her back another year for university? I talked to her about the molestation, she was so young that they didn't think it was necessary, she didn't want to press charges against him either. She never seen like she has these issues, she's well known and liked, mvp in soccer and track, all in all a happy teenager... She seemed okay..

Sarah - posted on 07/19/2015

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The first red flag was you say a counselor "accidentally" told you she was molested? Any counselor is a mandated reporter and would have called CPS and the police. I am not surprised your child is out of control...look at what she has been through. Read what you wrote; Her father beat her, locked her out at 3, she sought medical treatment for herself and a doctor prescribed medication to a minor? She overdosed at 12?
Was she ever in treatment for any of these issues? Abuse, sexual assault, overdosing and abusing prescriptions and other drugs. Simply that she is successful academically does not mean she is ok. You are responsible for her and her safety until 18, so yes you should keep her home. If this were my child, I'd get her into a psychiatrist to help her with her problems before she does turn 18 and refuses to go.

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