helping teen daughter with broken heart

Jennifer - posted on 09/23/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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My daughter had been dating the same guy since the age of 14. She is now 20. By all accounts, they seemed to be a perfect match for each other. Both are in college now and he hd decided he prefers to pursue a relationship with a married girl from his nursing program. Needless to say, my daughter is devastated. I want to help her get over this but nothing i day seems to Jeep. Any advice without be greatly appreciated!

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It will take some time. Nothing you can say will make the hurt heal faster, she just has to wait it out. Just be there for her, listen when she wants to talk, and try not to pressure her to talk if she doesn't feel like it.

She will actually learn a valuable life lesson from this horrible experience. You cannot trust other people, no matter how well you think you know them, or what kind of promises they make, because you cannot see into their mind. You can only see what they show you, and there is no way to know if what you see is genuine or just a mask. Go into all relationships expecting the other person to leave or try to hurt you, then when they do, it won't hurt so much because you saw it coming and never got so attached to them. While they are with you, you will never take them for granted because you know the next day they could just get up and leave.

Also, it is obvious now that he doesn't love her, so it is good that he was honest and told her so. I have a friend who will never make any promises--he is in his 60's now--because he knew several couples who married but stopped being in love. They stayed together because they had promised each other they would stay together forever and would not break a promise. He said, I would rather the person I love be with me because she loves me than just because she promised she'd stay. A promise is worthless even if it is genuine and not a lie because we can never see the future. Promises can be broken by events beyond our control, or sometimes worse, can confine us to a life of misery. He gave me that advice when I was 18, and I've never made a promise since. Even for our wedding (which was a civil service because apparently you have to be a psychic for a church wedding), our vows said "I love you now and I HOPE to love you forever, until death do us part."

Those are good lessons, but they can only be truly learned through loss. That hurts, but at least she is young, and this loss probably hurts enough to make them sink in, so she'll only experience it once, whereas with a small loss, the lesson doesn't stick so much.

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Jennifer - posted on 09/23/2013

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Thank you, Kelly. You certainly make some very valid points. I think I am hurting as much as she is because it feels like we are losing a family member bc he has been such a major part of our family for so long. No one ever expected their relationship to last as long as it did, so for many of us, it gave us hope that true love was still a possibility despite the high divorce rates in the world we live in these days. I'm afraid that bc of this, my daughter will never trust again. I don't want her to give up on love and feel that she its not worthy of a relationship with a man who will treat her with the loyalty she deserves. She is a beautiful girl and will have no problem finding another mate. However, she sees this guy as her soul mate and in her eyes, no other guy will live up to his standards. Please pray that she sees herself as the worthy person she is. Thank you, again, for your insight. Your advice was great!!

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