Here again....

M - posted on 01/11/2016 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I am back on here which it has been a long time. I am a single mother of an 11 year old boy. I have been on my own since day one. I had no real help/support system back in my home town of Ohio so I left and moved to Atlanta, GA where it has been no pleasant ride either. I have had the worse experiences of my life happen to me alone in Atlanta. I refuse to go back to my hometown since I am establishing my life here. Plus there was no support system there nor here so it'll be pointless to go backwards anyway. Anyway, my son was diagnosed with adhd and has recently started his medications that I denied for several years because I still don't believe in any of this crap that people have come up with nowadays. But report cards came out and he got straight F's. He has only been on the meds for 2 weeks. I am lost for words because he didn't have grades like this ever. I'm confused on what more I can do because I already have placed my life on hold and have experienced enough setbacks to the point where I don't even know if I'll ever be who I want to be or get to where I'd like to be in my life because I have to focus all of my attention on my son. I'm not saying I don't do that now, but its becoming so much for me because I already receive no help no support so its kind of life me giving up on anything I want to do to better our lives because I have to take care of his needs first. And OF COURSE, I know what is important, but I am already a pessimistic person, so every setback or disappointment that I've encountered has made me discouraged and wanting to give up on anything I had planned for my future to excel. I am already a negative, bitter person at the fact that I have no help and not very trusting of anyone due to the many challenges I've had since I've been in Georgia. Its like continue to make sure my son is great but I'm mentally and socially horrible. I want great things in my life but just can't reach them now because I have to focus more on my child. Like when will I ever get to where I dream of being? Why is it I have to put my dreams on hold again? If I could give more details I would but don't care to share much more. I already emailed his teacher and asked if we can talk about the report card further. He has an IEP, and a therapist, and our family therapist. It's like who else do I need in my business to help if we have everyone now? I work full-time, so yes when I get home from work I am so tired and want to just curl up in my bed but I have to hear mommy this and then going over homework, then dinner, its like I'm at my wits end. I've read so many blogs, prayed and I still feel like $hit at the end of the day. In my head it'll never get better. If it was going to, it sure would have presented itself a long time ago to give me some type of hope. Any more suggestions.....maybe?

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M - posted on 01/12/2016

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I understand that it takes longer than 2 weeks and his checkup is not until another week or so. I discussed his grades with his teacher and she said to wait until the next few weeks and see how he adjusts in the class while on medication to sit down and talk about his grades any further.

M - posted on 01/12/2016

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Yeh I've reached out to child support and since the father doesn't work and has never worked I received nothing. I'm over child support and reaching out to his father; I kind of been over and done with that because its pointless. That's why I never mention him because I've exhausted all efforts period.

Raye - posted on 01/12/2016

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I didn't say that you couldn't try to achieve your dreams. I said that your child comes first, and that you would have to explore the options available to you and work at getting a better life for BOTH of you. You don't trust people... I got that. But if you're struggling too much alone, what else can you do but either continue to do it all yourself or begin to let others in to help. Look back at the people you trusted that hurt you and learn from it. What red flags might have hinted at their nature before they hurt you, that might tip you off again so you don't let the wrong people get close? Not everyone is out to hurt you.

You said the father was never around, but what about filing for child support? Legally, the father is financially responsible for helping raise his child. You're not being mean to him by filing for child support. If it's your pride, that you want to show him you can do it on your own, then that's not helping you or your child. Your child has rights, too, and that is to have the best childhood possible for them to grow into successful adults. By not going after money to which your child is entitled, you're not giving him all he could have. Even if you didn't need it for everyday expenses, you could have been saving it for your son's college, helping pay for his first apartment or car, etc. Even if the father couldn't pay very much, even a small amount would help you and your son be a little better off.

I understand some of how you feel. I had plans for my life that were different than where I'm at now. I come home from work, and have to then be the brain for 3 other people (husband and 2 kids). They're all slobs. I have to constantly remind the kids of everyday things that should be routine by now... put glasses on your face, take retainer out and put it where it's supposed to go so it won't get lost (so far, one lost and one flushed), stop playing and get dressed, get your school bag, let's go, hang up your coat, don't leave shoes in the middle of the floor, turn off the TV and come eat your dinner, eat your dinner, EAT, take plates to the kitchen, finish homework, work on science project, work on scout project, no-we don't have time to watch a movie because you took too long not eating your dinner, no-you can't have dessert because you didn't finish your dinner, take a shower, get your pajamas on, comb your hair, pick your clothes up from the bathroom floor, put retainer in your mouth, sit still for story, no-you can't sleep in our bed, no-you can't stay up and read, go to sleep, yes I'll ask your dad if he'll give you another kiss goodnight, GOOD NIGHT... That's a typical day, and they're not even my biological kids. And then my husband that also leaves clothes and mail and stuff all over the house, forgets to tell me the kid's schedules with their mom, or their scout trips or family dinners with his parents, or everything else that has me scrambling last minute to find time to get it all done.

It's very tiring, and repetitive, and nerve wracking. I know. But that's life. Our rights as Americans are Life, Liberty, and the *Pursuit* of Happiness. Happiness is not a right and is not guaranteed. You have to work at it. You have to actively pursue it. You can't just sit around and think it should be handed to you. I know you work, I know you don't just sit around. But maybe you need to refocus in a few areas to start making steps toward your dreams. You have to chip away at that big heavy stone holding you down, little by little. Then one day, the way will be open for you.

Jodi - posted on 01/11/2016

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It takes MUCH longer than 2 weeks for ADHD medications to have any real effect. There is no instant "cure", which seems to be what you are looking for. Did you talk to your pediatrician about a follow up appointment? Generally, they will prescribe a certain medication and dosage and then follow up with any adjustments that may be necessary. Sometimes this can take months of tweaking the dosage, especially at this age. As he enters puberty (if he hasn't already), dosages will change yet again, and continue to need review right throughout adolescence, because hormones affect the medication.

I'm getting the feeling you were hoping for some miracle cure with the medication? You need to be patient and give it more time.

I have a student who is one of the most extreme cases of ADHD I've ever seen. Ever. I kid you not, I couldn't even describe this child. When his medication is working, he's still pretty full on but manageable. When it isn't, he's just totally off. We can always tell the days he doesn't take his medication - it gets to the middle of the day and we are like "you didn't take your medication this morning, did you?"...."No miss, I forgot". Anyway, they had to change his medication last year (puberty hit) and it took several MONTHS of work to find the right dosage. In the meantime, we had good days and bad days and just had to be patient and work through it with the foster parents. He will never be "great" at school - I'm serious when I say he is an extreme case (he has extreme trauma as well, so slightly different situation), but with patience, he is now on a dosage of medication that is working for him. There is no "one size fits all" solution.

M - posted on 01/11/2016

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His father has never been around and I frankly was tired of reaching out to another adult to get with his child. I will not believe that my dreams will never be fulfilled because of who I am. I'm not going to stop pursing any of them period. It may not be the time to now but hell no it'll happen. I have no support. Financial, socially, mentally none whatsoever. I'm well aware that my life is all about him, but does that mean that I forget about what I want at the end of the day. I never dreamed of being a struggling single mom, hell who dreamed of just being that. My son has his chores around the house and he has friends. The only area he is not excelling in is in school. Home he has no issues at all. I tried to get him in boy scouts for the last 3 months and they finally called back and informed me that its quite late to start him. So I have to wait for scouts and soccer to roll around again to put him in it. I'm overwhelmed with doing it by myself, and I emphasized that I don't trust people enough because of horrible situations I've been through here to reach out and make mom buddy's. Not really into people that much considering the things I've encountered with people here in Ga. I'm private so blogging and receiving some advice from here is all that I'm willing to do for now.

Raye - posted on 01/11/2016

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This may sound more harsh than I intend, but when you had a child, your life stopped being only about you, and started being about you BOTH. You have to be a parent to your child first. Kids depend on their parents to teach them so (hopefully) their lives can be better than ours. When do you get your dreams? Maybe never. If you want a better future for either of you, you have to stop focusing on how bad you had it in the past or how very hard everything is, and start making it better.

For one, ADHD is a reason for some of the behavior, but it's not an excuse. The child still needs discipline, just maybe a different approach. Medications for ADHD are not an exact science. There is usually a lot of trial and error to find the right cocktail in the right dosage. But that won't be a cure-all. He'll still be a child (soon a TEEN!) and you still need to be a parent. If you want to start making your own life better, you can. Your son is of an age where he should be starting to help with chores around the house. You have your job, and he should have his jobs (first, SCHOOL, and second, chores). It should free up a little of your time to start focusing on things you want for you.

As far as having support... I'm not sure if you mean emotional, physical, financial or all of the above. What's the situation with his father? If he doesn't pay child support, why not? Have you reached out to other moms with kids your son's age for support? You could take turns having the kids in the group at each other's houses to free up some of your time for rest or your own pursuits. (example, if four boys are in the group, and they meet on Saturdays, then one Saturday you would have all four boys, but for three more Saturdays, you would have free time). Would he be interested in boy scouts or another program that would try to teach him good habits, and also get him out of the house a bit for you to have a break? You need to scope out your area (I'm sure Atlanta has a lot to offer) and see what programs/activities would benefit you both.

M - posted on 01/11/2016

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I know his grades were not due to the medication. I was just giving some facts about my situation. I was hoping that the meds will improve him focusing and completing his work so that they school wont keep calling my phone and emailing me.

Dove - posted on 01/11/2016

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If he's only been on the meds for 2 weeks... it is highly unlikely that his grades have anything to do w/ the meds. It can take a while to find the right medication and the right dose, but I have friends who have kids on the right med and right dose and it is like night and day w/ the improvement.

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